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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner isn't supporting me through my depression

44 replies

PurpleRain08 · 17/07/2019 16:50

Hi everyone,

I know that living with a mental illness is not only incredibly difficult for the person going through it, but also for the people around them, especially the partner.

I suffer with depression, and borderline personality disorder. I have history of self harming and suicidal thoughts. I was doing much better, but this past week, I am just in an awful black hole that I am struggling to get out from. I have self harmed twice this week - after a 7 month hiatus. I feel hopeless, like a burden ect.

Normally my partner is very supportive, but this time I just feel like she hasn't been there for me. She knows how unwell I am, and how much I need her. I have a very big sensitivity to rejection and abandonment, so I know I am hyper vigiliant to looking out for any signs she does not love me... but this week she has just said some things that are really concerning to me, and I don't know what to do.

She said on Monday that she needed a 'night off' from having to do anything for me, for having to be there for me, that she was exhausted and drained, and needed to be on her own. I went home, obviously feeling shit. I already feel shame and guilt, and feel like a burden, so just having that said was hurtful. I was crying and could not get to sleep, I tried calling and messaging her but she said she didn't want to talk about it. I was so upset. She did come over but I felt so upset that she had enough of me.

The next day she says she needs space and that perhaps we shouldnt speak for a few days... even though she said she didn't want the space, she feels she needs it. Again, because I am so low, the thought of being without my main support system, the fear she is going to leave me, the fear she cant cope with me, the fear she isnt there for me was absolutely awful. She then backtracked and said that she could tell that wasnt good for me so she won't do it.... but she obviously needs it? How can she get her space, and me have her support when I am so depressed? How can I not feel unloved and unsupportive that she isn't there for me when I need her most.

Today she came to my house to see me, but was asleep the whole time. We didn't really talk about anything, and when she woke up, she did some work, and then said she was leaving to meet friends. Obviously I was upset because we hadn't interacted the whole time she had been there, she knew how bad I have been feeling, and she said she needs to have a life, she can't be there for me all the time, and don't I want her to have fun?

I just feel like neither of us are getting our needs met right now, and maybe she just can't give me the support and attention I need when I feel like this.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 17/07/2019 16:55

It sounds like she’s finding things hard at the moment. It is hard having a partner who is struggling with depression.

What support have you had from your gp?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 16:57

I know you're having a hard time, but you're putting a LOT of pressure on her.

It's not healthy to have just one person as your total support system, and it's really not fair on her.

She asked for a night off, and you then kept texting and calling. She's telling you she needs some space (presumably for her own mental health) and it sounds as if you're emotionally blackmailing her into realising that's not good for you and spending time with you. If she slept the whole day, she was probably exhausted.

Please find some support from other sources or I think you'll just both just implode. Are you receiving professional help/counselling or medication? Please make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible. I hope things get better for you.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/07/2019 16:59

It is very tough being in a relationship with someone suffering depression and it sounds like she is really feeling it at the moment.

Do you have friends and family? Have you had help from your GP?

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/07/2019 17:02

How do you know this is not your depression talking and misrepresenting what she is doing and saying? I know my Ex H thought these kinds of things and they were not true.

Original poster

PurpleRain08 · 17/07/2019 17:22

We are going to couples counselling, which was proving helpful, and just a few weeks ago she was saying how well I have been doing recently. And then I just had a bad day that has spiralled downwards.

I have had months of solo counselling in the past. Have also tried antidepressants - I didn't notice a positive difference and had bad night sweats. I guess I feel hopeless right now that my brain is broken and I will always be like this.

I understand it is hard for her, it must be draining. But I can't help but feel so abandoned and unsupported that she left me to go out with her friends whilst I am crying in front of her. I don't understand how she can go out and have fun knowing I am in this state? I don't think I would ever leave her alone if she was self harming and telling me she needed me. How do I not take that as a lack of love and care? :(

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 17/07/2019 17:25

Why wouldn’t you consider you crying and leaning heavily on 1 person, telling them that without them you won’t cope, a lack of love and care? Or is it only you that gets to put themselves first?

She is your partner not a therapist and she is asking you to consider her for once? Listen to her or risk pushing her away

PurpleDaisies · 17/07/2019 17:26

There are lots of different anti depressants you can try-it can take a while to find the right one.

If she’d stayed, what would you have wanted her to do?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 17:26

I think you've whipped yourself up into a very stressed and upset state. Would it help to think about all the times she HAS helped you? Rather than focusing on this one-off event? No-one can do that 100% all of the time and it really does sound as if she needs a break.

She's probably not having much fun; but hopefully she can offload to her friends which will help her support you. I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you're looking for.

Keep going with the counselling and there are 100s if antidepressants available, ask your GP for something different and explain about the side effects.

fedup21 · 17/07/2019 17:28

You are expecting her to meet your needs but you aren’t listening to hers.

She needed a night off but you guilt-tripped her into coming round, anyway. I couldn’t live in a relationship like that.

I suspect she will break up with you if continue like this.

TitianaTitsling · 17/07/2019 17:34

Who else have you contacted to say you are struggling? How can I not feel unloved and unsupportive that she isn't there for me when I need her most. But how often is your 'needing her the most' it sounds like 24/7.

BandsAndBeer · 17/07/2019 17:42

I don't understand how she can go out and have fun knowing I am in this state?

Because she is a person and she deserves to have a break and to have fun. Because you already guilt tripped her into coming round. Because she expects you to meet her needs too occasionally.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/07/2019 17:48

Because perhaps she knew that if she stayed it would be detrimental to her own mental health, perhaps she knew she has nothing more to give to you and needs a break to recharge. She probably feels suffocated, depression can make people very selfish and it is exhausting to deal with.

Rainatnight · 17/07/2019 17:49

Can you get any crisis support for your depression spiral?

It’s a lot to put on one person and your needs at the moment don’t leave very much room for a normal relationship or for her needs. I mean that kindly - I’ve both suffered from bad depression and been in a relationship with someone who did, so I can see it from both sides.

You know the advice to put on your own oxygen mask before those of others? That’s what she’s doing and I think you need to give her the space to do it.

Wolfiefan · 17/07/2019 17:54

You need to go back to your GP. Of course loved ones should be supportive but they can’t be your only support and certainly can’t make you better. You need to take charge of your own mental health. She is obviously trying to take charge of hers.
I tried several antidepressants before finding the right one. And each time they take weeks to work properly and dosages may have to be adjusted. How many have you tried and for how long?

Bufferingkisses · 17/07/2019 17:56

Your behaviour is manipulative and dependent. It is not, in any way, healthy. Yes you are having a hard time but that is not an excuse to treat your loved one poorly. You're not asking her to support you, you are asking her to hold you up and then punishing her is she shows the slightest waver.

I realise this behaviour is not, necessarily, conscious on your part however it is vital that you see it for what it is and do something before you crush any ability to support she has left.

Antidepressants didn't work? Try a new one. If that doesnt work try another. Engage with support groups, find yourself friends to share the load. It's hard supporting someone who.is going through what you are. It is even harder if they are not doing everything they can to help themselves. "Hating it" (the behaviour/reliance) is not enough, you have to change it.

Bookworm4 · 17/07/2019 17:59

You sound very hard work, you don’t live together but expect constant support and attention. I don’t blame her for wanting time to herself. You need help for yourself as it is you will push her away.

pointythings · 17/07/2019 18:00

You can't pour from an empty cup, OP. Your partner needs to take care of herself, otherwise she will be unable to support you - and won't want to. You can't rely 100% on one person for all of your emotional support. It isn't reasonable to ask that. The way you chased after her and hassled her after she had asked for a night off crosses a line.

If you're in a crisis, you need to get back in touch with mental health services and let the professionals do their job.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 18:02

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, but it really does seem you are expecting far too much from your partner. She's just one person and she's not a therapist. I think she is feeling completely overwhelmed and suffocated, and then when she's honest with you about needing time away and her own space, you turn on the tears and guilt, basically punishing her for not always putting your needs first. It's just too much for anyone to cope with.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 17/07/2019 18:04

She hasn't done anything wrong. She gets to have needs too. It's not healthy or viable to lean as heavily on one person as you're leaning on her.

Kindly, you need to look into other sources of support and coping strategies. It's not her job to fix you or to give more to you than she can afford.

StormTreader · 17/07/2019 18:07

OP, take a book, hold it in your hand with your arm straight out in front ouf you. It's pretty easy, right?
Now hold it there. Hold it until your arm starts hurting, and dont put it down. You see how it gets heavier and heavier? If you could put it down just for a minute, it would get easier again. Thats what your partner needs, and what you're not giving her.

By not letting your partner have any time for taking care of her own needs, you're not letting her put that book down. You can't ask someone to have no needs because you have so many, you need to show her that she matters to you for more than just the support she can give you.

happybunny007 · 17/07/2019 18:12

So your partner tells you they need space, and what do you do? Do you give them space or not?

Your partner will work out soon enough that the only way they will get space from you is to end the relationship.

BarbedBloom · 17/07/2019 18:35

You have to understand that she cannot pour from an empty cup. You can love and adore someone but need space to care for your own mental health and that is even when you are with someone without BPD and depression. You must form other support systems. Have you had therapy to help you build strategies to deal with fear of abandonment and so on as this can be helpful for people who are struggling.

I can't put myself into your position, but I have lived with someone who had extremely bad depression and needed constant reassurance. I just felt so tired and burned out and they wouldn't give me any space, it was always about them and their feelings and it was as though mine didn't exist.

Let her take a couple of days without contact. Make some plans of your own and don't contact her unless she messages you. Plan a lovely date night for when she comes back so you both have that to look forward to.

Marmozet · 17/07/2019 19:02

In order for her to give you support she needs to be able to look after and recharge herself.

Her mental health is just as important as yours and if you don't let her look after it she's only going to resent you.

groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rightteous · 17/07/2019 19:09

Why are you so dependent on her? Who did you lean on before she was in your life? You need to seek extra support or you are going to drive her away. Join online support groups. Join real life support groups. Get help from a therapist.

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