DM makes my ED worse

[CheckingOutTheQuantocks]

I've hesitated to post this because I know how any thread to do with weight and eating usually goes on MN, but I hope people will be kind in view of the MH dimension.

So I've had issues with bulimia and binge eating for most of my adult life. My DM doesn't know about this (she's not very well-versed in MH issues) and I think she just thinks I'm a bit fat because I'm greedy and have no willpower. I have fluctuated between being a normal weight (BMI of 21) and being bordering on obese (BMI of 29) and am currently somewhat overweight but not the heaviest I've ever been.

DM does not understand MH issues at all, and would not accept that I have an ED, because I've never been underweight. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure she has suffered with some sort of orthorexia (at the very least) herself, as for years she ate the same meals every day, wouldn't eat anything with sugar in it even as a once-in-a-blue-moon treat, wouldn't eat in front of anyone else etc. She would always just say that this was what she had to do to keep her figure, and it's not a problem, it's just that she has decent self-discipline. She's not quite as bad as she used to be , but I don't see her every day so I don't know what she eats at home.

My issue is that she has always done this sort of "competitive undereating" thing around me, but that as I get older and more able to see what she's up to, I'm getting less and less inclined to tolerate it. To give an example of what I mean, if we meet up somewhere nice for lunch, she'll start off by saying something like "Oh, I'm not really very hungry, I had a slice of toast for breakfast and I'm still so full." She'll then just get a tiny starter and nothing else, and I'll feel self-conscious just for eating a normal-sized lunch. She never eats a full portion of anything and always claims not to be hungry. She's always leaving half-servings of things in the fridge which she never gets around to finishing. During one of my slimmer phases, DM told me she looked down on fat people because they couldn't control themselves like she can, and she's always making comments about so-and-so who's put weight on, and making unkind comments about people she sees in the street who are overweight.

I think she actually has a serious problem, but her problem is making my problem worse, and I don't have the headspace to deal with her as well as myself. To someone with robust self-esteem and no issues with food, it would be easy to just think she was a bit pathetic and not pay any attention to her attempts to make me feel shit, but I always come away from any encounter involving DM and food feeling like a disgusting fat whale, and I usually have some kind of relapse soon afterwards.

I know people might ask why I can't just go NC. It's difficult to explain without going into a whole load of other issues, and this is already too long, but suffice to say it's not really an option atm. How would people deal with a DM who is like this and who isn't open to speaking about MH issues? I should say that she's extremely defensive if anyone suggests she is at fault in any way, and it always ends up with her being the victim. Help?!

Can you only meet her where food is NOT involved?
A shopping trip or a coffee.
Or ensure you eat before you see her and make sure nothing is planned around a lunchtime.
I'm not sure how else you tackle it other than going very low contact, which you can't do at the moment.
Are you have counselling?
If so then ask your therapist about coping strategies.
If you aren't having counselling then please do try to get some.
Healthy minds in your area should be able to help.
Have you don't CBT before?

I've just stopped having counselling for about the fifth time in my adult life because it always makes me feel like a terrible person. The last time I did it, I got this fixation on the idea that I was so evil that I was somehow harmful to other people and I shouldn't be around any of my friends. I don't think my therapist's approach was the right one for me, but I'm very wary of going back to that sort of place.

My DM is very similar, OP - especially with the competitive undereating. "Oh, look how much you've got - I'd be full for days after that!" etc etc.

Drives me up the wall.

And yes if you ever dare to suggest she's in any way at fault you get made to feel guilty about it.

I'm not sure what the answer is at all, but I'm fully aware that my ED stem from her, and that she'd never accept that. She once called me grossly overweight (I'd just had my second child FFS, and was 10 stone).

Sorry, not helpful, but just wanted to offer some solidarity and understanding.

I think hellsbells' suggestion for meeting without food is a good one. Try and keep that out of the equation.

I also think maybe trying to give counselling another go - it might be a case of trying different therapists until you find the right one.

Good luck OP, hopefully someone will have better advice soon!

I used to be a bit like your DM is now and I think I have contributed to my DDs eating disorders although she is much better than she used to be . I am ashamed to say that in the past I might have fancied a cake when supermarket shopping and by the time I got home I felt guilty and put it straight in the bin. Although now I think we both eat healthily and I have had to learn not to make any comments whatsoever about food or eating around her and it’s taken me awhile to do that. She is living back at home now so we tend to make separate meals although occasionally we do eat together I do now try to appear enthusiastic about food especially if we go out for a meal because it troubles her if I don’t want to eat much it raises issues for her. I think the best thing to do would be for the time being suggest as a PP has said meet up for a coffee rather than a meal

It sounds as though you are generally self aware and able to manage your ED, so I'd agree with a PP. Just avoid eating with her. Avoid talking about food. Make your meet ups about something else, and keep nuts in your bag so you can discreetly and healthily keep your energy levels up.

My mum sends me spiralling, in similar ways.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks my mother's exactly like that too

Both of my siblings have eating disorders (one had anorexia so severe that she couldn't possibly hide it and in fact her life was in danger, my mother did an astonishing line in setting up conversations so that people could/ were cornered into effusively reassuring her it absolutely wasn't in any way her fault, but I've told my father when subjected to emotional blackmail to let my then preteen daughter go and stay with them on her own that the attitude to all things food and weight related and my sister's illness is the reason this will never happen). The other was bulimic for at least a decade and my mother never knew.

My mother has the interesting twist of being a "feeder" of adult males, for whom she likes to cook and upon whom she urges second helpings - though she'll happily comment on an overweight man behind his back too, she's not as acerbic about a very overweight man as an even slightly overweight woman or child.

My anorexic sister isn't fully recovered although her life is no longer at risk, and she and my mother luve in each other's pickets in a weird codependent relationship - the two of them do the competitive undereating to such a jaw dropping degree it would be funny if it wasn't real... On 9ne memorable occasion my mother put out 6 sausage rolls, a small bowl of dry salad and an opened 30g bag of crisps between 4 adults and 4 children as a "picnic lunch" and my sister put 3 if the sausage rolls and the crisps back in the basket as it was "far too much"

The fact they do it around children royally pisses me off and I now vastly over order/ bring far too much cake when seeing them and shoot any comments down very bluntly. I know that is probably no better but it's the only way I can deal with it as we don't live close by so it's practically impossible to visit just for a couple of hours and avoid a meal time.

If you live close enough keeping visits short and avoiding meal times is the best option.

Thought the title was your mother making erectile dysfunction worse now that would have been interesting

anothernotherone oh yes, my DM is very keen on feeding up my older brother. He was a "growing lad" until he was well into his 30s...

So sad that there are so many mothers who do this to their daughters. I'm not sure I understand the psychology of it - is it possible that they don't realise how much they're focused on food and weight?

It's tricky avoiding food around her. I don't see her all that often, once a month or so, and it tends to be on "occasions" like birthdays or anniversaries, when it would be natural to celebrate with a meal. But I see that trying to minimise involvement with food around her is probably the most sensible thing to do. I wonder if I can start a tradition of going to the theatre or something instead of dinner!

Being prepared is half the battle. You know how it will go, so fill up on carrot sticks ahead of time and tune out her opinions.

pickle thank you. I'm actually trying to lose some weight at the moment in what I hope will be a safe, non-triggering way. There's a balance to be struck between being a normal weight for physical health reasons, and the potential sacrifice of mental health if it tips me back into disordered behaviours. It would just be so nice, and make it easier, if I had the sort of family I could discuss this stuff with.

Well, I've just eaten best part of a large bar of chocolate, hiding in my room to get away from dm. We're staying with her for a week to help with various tasks she can't manage alone. Today the stress boiled over, so here I am stuffing chocolate in a quiet corner.

What I mean is- I know what it's like! For me, being unable to speak freely to her is part of the issue. She's a pain in the arse- a very difficult woman- and has to be handled with kid gloves.

Hey ho.

I am another who thought of the other ED! Good luck op it must be difficult.

My mother is like this op. Down to 'do you REALLY need that?' Well, yes, since it's food.

I think it's just best to take what she says with a pinch of salt. She's old now and not going to change. You shouldn't take what she says seriously. Before you go out with her, prepare yourself in your head by thinking oh yes mum will say this as usual, she's just old now and this is her habit. I heard something today like when we were little kids we used to dirty our clothes with food, and our parents had to clean up our face etc. Well now our parents are old and sometimes dirty things come from their mouth but it's in the form of words. They will say offensive things very easily. Their tolerance becomes a lot less and they become unreasonable. Bear patience with them as they bore patience with you when you were young. It's wrong what your mum is doing but you won't change her now and she may only have a short time left in this world so try and preserve the relationship as much as possible and just let these silly comments go over your head. No one's perfect at the end of the day x