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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I should leave, right? Too many red flags perhaps

54 replies

ReadingMummy · 17/07/2019 14:16

So to start a bit of back story, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, lived together for 6 months while we were in the same town but since 3 years ago we have been long distance, as he relocated for a new job with me doing a 3hr round trip weekend to see him. I would have relocated with him however he decided to buy a flat and wouldn’t buy one with me and as I have no ties in the area (he has his family) I felt it would be too much of a risk if things went pear shape as I’d be left with no home or support. Currently 28 weeks pregnant, baby wasn’t planned, but obviously because I am pregnant my partner wants me to relocate, leave my current job, but still no sort of commitment. Anyway below are some of the red flags, I think, do you think I should leave him and not relocate?

Calls me a squar or his side piece as supposed jokes
I caught him sexting just before I found out I was pregnant
If another man finds me attractive will ask me if he is blind
Will try and pressure me into sex or sexual acts
Doesn’t tidy his own flat, even after my travelling, working full time and being pregnant I end up cleaning the flat (I know I shouldn’t but don’t want to get ill). I have spoke to him about this and he said he thought I wanted to do it or that he didn’t realise Hmm
We had a disagreement, he then left soon after and slammed the door and told me later he wasn’t pissed off or having a go at me. His actions suggested otherwise.
When I’ve told him I think he is slightly emotionally abusive he said it isn’t like he batters me.
Loss his temper far to easily over the smallest of things.

Just looking for some advice really.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/07/2019 20:56

He's a sexually abusive cunt. You and your baby deserve better.

Original poster
ReadingMummy · 18/07/2019 10:44

Wow, so I am trying to take control and being controlling as being the mother baby will have to stay with me. He was apparently always joking with the comments he has made Hmm and basically I should have told him to clean up more than the couple of times I did.
So pretty fair to say he is blaming me haha the one that has put in all the effort, put up with his shit, went out in the rain to get bread while pregnant because HE wanted breakfast but could be fucking arsed to go out and played the whole ‘if you love me’. Yup. WOW! And yet I see friends partners doting on them while pregnant, not as if I’m incapable but if ever there was a time for him to treat me like I matter it would be now.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 18/07/2019 11:21

It won't get better. Is there anyone you can stay with tonight?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2019 11:25

Wow. He's shown himself to be even more of a complete arse, hasn't he? Well done for having that conversation. Flowers

CousinKrispy · 18/07/2019 11:32

I'm so sorry. I think at this point there's not much point in trying to have conversations with him about it. He won't change and he'll just try to suck you back in by confusing you, arguing with you, pressuring you, making excuses, making promises. You can't believe any of those promises.

With this kind of man you are safer not trying to get him to accept responsibility or understand your point ... just tell him "This relationship isn't working for me so I am ending it" over and over again. And get all your support network rallied round you to help you stick to your guns.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2019 11:36

I got to the line about you cleaning the flat and asking why he didn't do it and him saying he thought you wanted to do it...

Yeah, my XH used that excuse too. 'I thought you liked cleaning'. I asked him who, in the history of the world, had EVER liked cleaning up someone else's crap and he couldn't answer. He knew perfectly well he was lazy, but thought he'd try to pin it on me.

He's a bum. Get out before your DD thinks this is the way all men should behave towards women.

hadthesnip2 · 18/07/2019 11:49

Problem is that even if you leave him you will still have to have contact with him for evermore because of what is growing inside you. I know what I would do.

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:16

Yeah, at least she won't have to run around after him as if he is baby number two anymore though xD

Definitely making the right move getting shot of him now op. Good luck x

Whiskeyqueen2457 · 18/07/2019 12:30

Go on hadthesnip2, what would you do? 🙄Hmm

He's a fool OP. All of the luck in the world to you and your little girl

BlingLoving · 18/07/2019 12:34

Yup, this relationship needs to end. And the last thing yo need is to be living in his house, with a tiny baby, no job and no family or friends near by to support you. Stay right where you are and end the relationship. In the unlikely event that he is actually a good guy, he'll understand and will make some effort but honestly, I don't see it happening. Sorry.

GenerationRent · 18/07/2019 16:27

OP, that conversation with him just goes to show how easy he finds it to gaslight- he knows that the comments belittling you aren't just jokes. Even if they were, they're certainly not funny and show a lack of respect either way. Go through a well documented checklist of emotionally abusive behaviours from a well trusted source such as a domestic abuse website and if the shoe fits, maybe you can build a case to prevent him from having contact. Seems like a leap but it's not unheard of for a child to be used as a ploy to try and get you back into the same cycle

Happynow001 · 18/07/2019 16:44

... went out in the rain to get bread while pregnant because HE wanted breakfast but could be fucking arsed to go out and played the whole ‘if you love me’
Just for this alone I think you should finish this relationship.

For this and everything you mention you should finish with him ASAP. Do it clearly, finally, no with loopholes for misunderstandings.

You sound like you have your head screwed on properly. Take care of yourself and your child as much as you can without this poor excuse of a partner in your life. 🌹

Thank goodness you listened to your gut and did not buy with or relocate to him.

Original poster
ReadingMummy · 18/07/2019 17:40

Well this is the thing @GenerationRent, I thought he has gaslighted me but wasn’t really sure until he slammed the door then denied he was angry. Had to get my family to confirm he had slammed the door in case I was just overreacting.

@Happynow001, exactly luckily I didn’t buy with him or relocate. He wanted me to empty out all my savings to but into the flat which I also declined, as if I’m going to part with my safety net.

Thing is I’ve said it’s over and he seems to think we both need to be in agreement to end it, as ‘that’s what you do in a healthy relationship’ Hmm. Then on the flip side it’s my birthday today and he has brought my an iPad, feel like my mind is being f*cked and I know he won’t make this easy.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 18/07/2019 19:12

You don't need his permission or agreement to split with him - so definitely don't go into negotiation with him on this.

Regarding the iPad. You know that's just a hook to get you back, right? You managed to hold onto your savings (bravo!) so maybe think of returning his present and buy your own?

Start as you mean to continue I think?

Epona1 · 18/07/2019 19:14

Give the present back and make it clear that your relationship is over.

How does he feel about the pregnancy?

Original poster
ReadingMummy · 18/07/2019 19:38

Oh I without a doubt know it’s just a hook, I said he is trying to buy me back to a friend when I saw it. Told him I didn’t want it, he insists that I have it so I think I’ll get a family member to return it.

Relatively disinterested in the pregnancy, only begin to one scan as he has work but yet can take time off to take his mum to the dentist. Wasn’t too fussed when he felt baby kick. Think he is staying because his family is very much about image. All of them in unhappy marriages but not separating because ‘relationship should be worked on’ which I agree but not when it quite clearly isn’t healthy.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 19:43

Sounds like you are on the ball now. Good idea getting a family member to return the ipad. He'll probably whine that he didn't keep the receipt so he is still out of pocket - but that's his problem.

I'm glad he is 3 hours away from you, hopefully that'll mean he leaves you in peace. I know it seems a shame to say 'hopefully he wont get too involved with the kid' but actually, considering he is a knob it would probably be a good thing.

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2019 19:46

Dump.

Omzlas · 18/07/2019 19:51

Run

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>

Original poster
ReadingMummy · 18/07/2019 20:59

I may ask to go no contact until babies arrival. Especially if he carries on as he is.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 18/07/2019 21:06

You dont ask for no contact. You just dont speak to him.

glitterfarts · 18/07/2019 21:09

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't give her his surname.

If bothered he can arrange to get on the birth certificate.

Dump and keep him dumped. Don't invite him to the birth, just message him once she's born.

He doesn't visit you, will he be bothered visiting his child? Don't go visiting him.

GenerationRent · 19/07/2019 09:38

Exactly what @glitterfarts said- hopefully if you just ignore him and kinda ghost him, he won't try to make contact given how disinterested you've said he's been so far.
I might go one step further and don't tell him when the baby is born, just to see if he has any ounce of interest to get in touch to ask. If he doesn't ask if your baby has been born then you have a sure fire answer of how much he cares about his child.
Children are all innocent of adults' lives, and adults don't have a right to be involved with their lives just because they were a sperm donor, they have to earn that contact. He has certainly not earned that given how abusive he is, and that example is best kept out of both of your lives.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/07/2019 19:29

Thing is I’ve said it’s over and he seems to think we both need to be in agreement to end it, as ‘that’s what you do in a healthy relationship

what, so far, has been healthy in your relationship?

He's wrong. It only takes one to end a relationship, if it comes to that. ANything else and the other person is being kinda imprisoned.

Btw, he'll be an appalling dad if he expects to be waited on hand and foot as he does.

Original poster
ReadingMummy · 19/07/2019 20:02

Something healthy, in the beginning he treated me well, good open communication. But not a glimmer of that now, I’m sure he’ll say it’s my fault as I ‘nag’ him too much. I’m not even arguing with him, I see I won’t ever win so I’m not even going to try. As for if he’ll be a good dad, the other day he told me he’d send our girl to an orphanage, thought it was funny, so I’d go with probably not.

OP posts: