Is this gaslighting

[GMB2000]

I’m hoping someone who has been in this situation might be able to give me some clarity please. I’ve been wondering about gaslighting for a few years now but recent events are starting to clear my mind enough to consider it seriously.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, we have one DS together. In the last few months I’ve been in touch with an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 15 years. She has said to me how much I seem to have changed over these past years.
Some examples of things my partner does, of the many..... recently I found out I was pregnant and decided I wanted to keep the baby despite my OH being usuals when it comes to childcare help anyway after several weeks of talking i had changed my mind and decided to have a termination. Following this was several months of crying, depression and anxiety. I ended the relationship but wasn’t strong enough to maintain this and we got back together with the understanding that it was “all my and my hormones fault” nothing to do with the fuck all support I had from him.
Every argument we have always comes back to being my fault and because of my “issues” (I had an abusive childhood). Nothing is ever his fault, it’s always mine.
Since speaking there my friend I’ve started feeling like I’m waking up from this thick fog I’ve been in for years. I know it’s a relationship, I just feel like I need someone to tell me what he’s doing is wrong so I’ve got a reason to leave again and try to stick to it this time.

You don’t have to have a specific reason to leave. If you want to leave, you should just leave. Love yourself, be happy xx

Yes he's in the wrong and he's emotional abusing you

So for me I experienced a lot of he would do or say something and then maybe a few days (or even five minutes later) he would deny doing or saying it or he would say the complete opposite.

Also if I raised an issue with the way he was treating me ect...he would always turn it round on me and make out that I was too sensitive or misunderstanding him in some way (or crazy ect...) and it would usually end up with me feeling like I was bad/wrong/stupid or that I should act differently. And more importantly - it made me feel like my feelings weren't valid. That I had no RIGHT to be hurt/upset/angy ect...by his (rotten) behaviour. Which I think is more what you are talking about and yes, is gaslighting.

I think the best thing to keep in mind is this: Imagine there are to people and one of them has said or done the thing your partner hs, to the other one. Does that person have a right to question that behaviour? To be mad at it? To be sad about it? To break up over it? Then YOU do. If you start feeling like these perfectly normal reactions to such behaviour is not ok/allowed, then chances are you are dating a narcissist (or other cluster b) who is gaslighting you.

Oh! And...having to explain WHY his behaviour was hurtful. Like I would be thinking 'maybe im not explaining this well enough' and re-phrase ect...just to be met with this blank stare as if he wasn't getting it. The fact is, he gets it- he just doesn't care. And we can't compute that someone who is supposed to love us, doesn't care that we are hurting.

The fact is, we shouldn't have to explain why something is hurtful in the first place either. Because normal people have empathy! His kind, don't. So if you find yourself explaining or attempting to 'justify' your feelings then chances are again, you are being gaslighted.

Thanks for your insight @teaforthewin I think he definitely is then. Every argument or heated conversation we have always ends up in me having some kind of issue that needs addressing. I realised before on reflection that I’ve even made up stuff that is the explanation for my behaviour, when it wasn’t even my issue to begin with, just to stop him going on and on about my “issues.” Yes I accept I have issues as we all do but every argument can’t be my fault surely! It’s so frustrating. I honestly don’t think he does it intentionally....... but maybe that’s me making excuses for him, which I know is another sign. I’ve been doing a lot of reading around it but trying to tell myself it’s not all in my head is hard! Thanks again

And I do find myself trying to explain why he has upset me and am met with blank stares m. And he usually tells me I’m not explaining myself properly..... sounds exactly like you.

My personal opinion after having had a few in my life in various ways over the years is that they DO know what they are doing. But some of it is just automatic because it is - who they are. And some of it is deliberate out of pure spite. And it depends on the individual as to which percentage is which. Both are equally horrible anyway.

I only lived with him for a year but by the end of it I was so f*cking drained. And so sad. And insecure and felt like no one could love me and that I was so 'uncool' ect… just horrible, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

They are nasty, nasty people. Get away as soon as you can. Within 3 weeks of him moving the fog lifted (those 3 weeks were hellish but worth it) and I was like 'wtf have I been putting up with!?' and I could see him for what he really was. Horrible time in my life but all part of the journey I guess. Good luck with it! Get out as soon as you can xx

Thank you. We’ve just sold our house so I’m going to wait until it’s all gone through (I have a feeling he’ll pull out if I leave him to keep me stuck with him) and I’m going to keep a record of all his behaviour which I consider to part of this so I’ve got proof for myself to not go back. Thank you again. It helps me immensely.

Haha and yeh omg the excuses - 'oh maybe I'm being too needy' (for wanting any friggin affection) or 'maybe im over-reacting' ( when he flirts with some other girl right infront of me). 'Oh boys will be boys' (blech. But everyone else around us would say stuff like that and exuse his behaviour too) and 'maybe im not explaining well enough' and 'he is a couple of years younger than me' and 'oh he was raised in a different country so maybe the customs are different' ect...excuse after excuse.

Truth is, he was just a total shit.
Don't make excuses for him anymore! Just run for the hills lol.

Brilliant, that's handy that you guys are selling up, good timing. Get your share and bolt! And the note of the shit behaviour is a good shout. Oh and when the anger sets in (you'll know it when it comes lol) I found dancing about to music until knackered really helped as therapy! Good luck!

Haha sorry I shouldn’t laugh but it’s all too familiar. I also get “you always act so weird around my mum and it makes her feel like you don’t like her” never once have I been weird around his mum. God they’re such ass holes aren’t they! I’ll be running as soon as :)

Lol getting you to question your own behaviour and making you feel like other people feel or think a certain way about you. Yup. Been there. I think they all read the same book.

@teaforthewin I need to ask you if this is me or him please because I’m losing my mind again. He’s just asked me for my drivers license so he can set this account up in my name. Aside from the obvious red flag and everything else...... in a normal relationship would you just hand over your ID and say yeah fine or would you ask for a little context first? Because I asked him what it was he needed it for. He asked me why. I replied with (what I think is a normal response of) I’d just like to know what your using it for. He then asks me if it’s because I’m worried about him having it. I said I’m not worried in the respect of him using it for some kind of monetary gain but I’d just like to know what you need it for. He’s gone off downstairs in an angry huff. Comes back upstairs and says why am i worried, what do I think he’s going to do with it. I reiterated my first point. And now he’s accusing me of always having to be right and never giving him any wiggle room when we have these kinds of conversations, that I always manage to be cool and level headed whilst he gets all emotional and angry. That I’m some how in the wrong for asking him a simple question. I also asked him why he was so upset because he seemed to be overreacting. Now I feel like I’m in the wrong because I’m not annoyed, I just didn’t want to let him manipulate me with guilt and fear. Am I in the wrong?

No, why the hell would anyone need YOUR drivers licence for something? IT IS NOT YOU.

He is trying to test to see if you trust him and also, using this to create a big drama about HOW you don't trust him. He is trying to make this a trust thing about you. He either wants you to give him the licence and then worry about what he is doing with it OR refuse to (quite fairly) so that then he can tell you you have 'issues'. It may also be in part to test to see if you trust him (I think he may have realised you are starting to question him/pull away).

It isn't you. It is him. Having said that, you are bringing this shit on by staying. GET OUT NOW!!! Seriously, go. His behaviour is textbook npd behaviour. A normal human being would say 'I need your licence for x'. He wont even explain why he needs it. Alarm bells with their own extra bells should be wringing. You shouldn't be annoyed, you should be terrified. Get the feck out of there. GOOOOO!

*ringing lol

And pps: GOOOOOOOOO!

Also might be wise to talk with your bank and check your credit history ect...on the off chance that he is doing something dodgy using your name. Or taking out a life insurance policy on you or something xD Better safe than sorry lol.

But probably he was just testing you to see if you would question him or using the situation to create drama and leave you feeling like shit and questioning yourself again.

pppppps: GOOOOOOOOO xD

Ppppppps: ah no wait, the house thing I forgot. Has it not gone through yet? Could the licence thing be todo with that? Make sure you are getting your half and he isn't trying to con you out of it!

And then go xD

My very recent ex was like this and I finally found a 'reason' to end it 3 weeks ago. Fact is, there were already many reasons. He was pushing me to my limits. But if I ever said anything I was either being 'defensive' or his favourite - apparently I was up and down like a yo yo! I wasn't. He just had me exhausted.

Looking back. I'd never be in the right. And no matter how it ended, he's probably out there telling others that I was hard work or suchlike. Fine by me.

End it. For your own sanity. You don't need a reason. Just say you cabt do this anymore. That you don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore.

3 weeks and 3 days of pure bloody bliss I've had. I finally feel back in control of my life.

Good luck!

Sorry to just jump in my he is definitely asking for your drivers license for something to do with credit. I would bet my life on it.

I actually recommend checking what your credit history is like in case he has taken out anything in your name already.

@TeaForTheWin house hadn’t gone through yet, draft contracts went through last week so still got a good few weeks I’d imagine. Tbh I’m not taking his crap anymore and he knows it. He’s switching between being overly nice or angry and moody. I think he’s trying to figure out which one gets him wants..... the answer of which is neither. Doubt it’ll last much longer

Just make sure you are involved in the process and talking to the solicitor and the solicitor knows everything has to be run by you first, not just him. If you can get the payment for the house into an account in your name (and then give him his half) that might be wise. A joint account might mean he could just take it all...not sure, maybe convey your situation to the professional without him there and make it clear you don't trust him? See what they advise.

And I think they do free online credit checks these days if you wanna check it just incase.

If he thinks you are thinking of leaving he might be more obstinate and more likely to pull a fast one of some sort. Always think 2 steps ahead and 'if he is looking to hurt me, what might he do?' just incase. Not long to go now! Hopefully the next few weeks pass without drama.

So it all got too much when I found porn on his computer over the weekend. Couldn’t hide my anger anymore and we’re going through the process of separating. Although just to note the cause of our separation is “me not being able to get over the anger” from my DS was born. Because I was basically a single mum for the first 18months of his life. OH did nothing and I mean nothing. But that’s my fault haha! God he’s an arsehole. No remorse at all! Just got to stay strong now. Thanks for the support ladies and gentlemen!