How to avoid MIL pitfalls.

[ModreB]

My eldest DS looks to be really settling down with his current partner. He has a job that means he will be away at short notice, for possibly extended periods of time. I want to support future DIL as much as possible, but do not want to overstep the mark.

My thought is that I need to build a relationship with DIL that is between the 2 of us, as a true friendship, based on a good relationship between us rather than me being her DH's mum, but while also being his mum.

She seems very open to this, we recently spent a week together while they were moving house, so I went and helped pack (what I was asked to) and helped shift the boxes etc to the new house. DS was away with work at the time, so was not around. What pitfalls should I be aware of and avoid.

I did not have the best relationship with my MIL, as she was opinionated and judgemental, but I did actually love her as the mother of my brilliant DH. As I have 3 DS's, I need to navigate the waters, so to speak.

Treat her as you would treat any other adult of her age and stage who you have recently met.

Well we did really. Sat and watched the tennis, talked about allsorts, giggled about some stuff, and generally had a bit of a laugh. It was nice.

Do not interfere unless you think there is the potential for harm. Remember that you have no real idea of how your son is as a partner.

Be kind, my MIL is always kind, and it means a lot. It's not massive things it's the remembering to ask how my Mum is or bringing flowers when they come for Christmas dinner and always feeling like I matter as me, not just a DIL.

How lovely! My MIL was only interested when I was pregnant, and at that later stage it felt too late and false to me. God knows why she didn't realise I was a permanent fixture before... I was the only woman he'd ever lived with and was mid 30's!

Anyway, ask about her family and friends, and be open to talking about yours. Your relationships with friends will show her how important and real friendships are to you.
Don't gossip to her, she may think you'll also gossip about her

I would say to her what you’ve said here - that you want to be friends but not overstep the mark, and if she bet feels you are just say and you won’t take offence. That way she will feel she can relax, and say if anything is too much.

Don't interfere in their marriage.

Don't show up at their home without asking if it's a good time or being invited.

Don't give advice unless it's asked for.

I think you'll be a wonderful MIL!

As I said, I do want to try to have a good relationship and for us to be friends.

I would never interfere in their relationship, you don't know what goes on in a relationship unless you are in it IMHO.

And I am fully aware that DS is her partner, so it can be hard to let go, but I know I have to. And I trust her and him to do right for each other.

Mumsnet is full of negative MIL threads. Just remember that a huge number of people have access to this site, and you are only hearing the bad stories. There are loads of normal people out there having nice, normal relationships with their MIL, and you won't hear about them on Mumsnet because they have no reason to post. People only post when something is wrong.

So I wouldn't worry too much. As long as you're pleasant and don't interfere I'm sure you'll get on fine. It's not as hard as MN makes it seem!

It's lovely that you care enough to be this considerate. My in-laws are lovely, they don't interfere and are just really nice people.

I see them weekly without my DH (I take DS to visit ), she always has a little cake for me (always a winner) and is genuinely interested in how we are. I think just treat her like a individual rather than your husbands wife IYSWIM.