AIBU to wont emotional support from DP?

[RiverRiver3]

I'm finding it hard to let go of the hurt from my DP not supporting me and would love some feed back if I'm being unreasonable in any way? It's just sometimes I question if DP doesn't really love me and usually when some situation has happened I can push it to the side and just get on but it's like I feel it's getting too much

Anyway several months ago DP (together almost 25 years - DD 15 yrs and DS just turned 17)and I took DS computer use away for a week mainly because he lied to me after breaking a house rule. He's a great son and couldn't ask for a better child to raise, and this was an extreme punishment for us to do. DP agreed before hand that no computer for a week was a good idea.

DS didn't like it at all (teenager and heavy gamer) and ended up saying he hated me. I stayed calm and re explained it was the lying to me that was the main reason. I went for a drive by myself afterwards to have a cry because it really hurt as this was the first time he's said the dreaded 'hate' word that I know lots of teenagers end up saying as they go through these years. When I got back I gave my son a quick cuddle and told him I loved him and I understand he's angry atm etc.

I also had a chat to DP and told him how much that hurt me (I didn't have the best childhood. I kind of over prepared before having kids -Did the day job and going to TAFE two nights a week, for two years, to do a early childhood course etc to really make sure) and said I would like him to emotionally support me if/when something like that happened. DP isn't very good on the emotional support.

Anyway a day or so after DS tried to get his computer right back again, DP was sitting next to me and DS again said he hated me and shouted a few things he didn't like about me, I tried to discuss the few things he brought up (he was shouting) eg he hated how we eat so healthy! (I try to give him money to buy any type of food when he's out with classes). I actually turned to DP and quietly asked for some emotional support. His reply was was between DS and me.

Afterwards I again said to DP I need support when something like that happens.

Next day when DP and I brought up that he could get his computer use back two days early if he earned it by doing some yard work. DS didn't like that idea and again stared shouting all the things he hated about me, DP again didn't help when I asked for it but replied 'this is eye opening'.

Later I said how hurtful DP saying 'this is eye opening' was. DP ended up almost crying and said to me DS always says how much he loves me but (apparently never??) DS has never said he loves his dad. I haven't noticed this before but I'm sure DS has said he loves him. DP is a good dad but has worked long hours (used to also got o/s around 2.5 months/year with work etc) and when home reads a lot too.

The above isn't really very much especially in comparison to many of the topics brought up here on MN but it kind of feels like the straw that's braking the camels back. I understand within myself that I feel so hurt by it all (DS saying he hated me, DD not giving any emotional support) because it's brought up alot of childhood pain, but I feel that DP just isn't capable of giving me that little bit of emotional support I ask for.

Is this normal man behaviour and I'm expecting too much from my DP?

It's not really emotional support you want though, is it? You want him to support your parenting, which he should absolutely be doing, especially as he agreed to the punishment.

The situation in your house sounds very tense.

Your son should be able to control himself better at 17. Don't bother giving him his computer back until he learns a bit of respect.

I don't think I've ever told my dad I love him (23, female) but he knows. Your DP is quite sensitive isn't he?

DP should not be letting your son speak to you like shit. As parents you need to show a united front.

Hi newmonof1
Thanks for your reply:)

The situation in your house sounds very tense
Our DS ended up having to wait the full week with no computer and probably the next day was back to his old happy self. But there is this kind of tension still in how I feel towards DP - it's like all these years of feeling unsupported is getting too much

stuff

To be honest, it all sounds like a bit of a storm in a tea cup.
Your ds is 17, not 7, that’s a bit old to be taking away his computer isn’t it. I suspect your dp thinks so which is why he doesn’t want to get involved. Yes he should support you, but not when it’s all a bit over the top.

Maybe lighten up and let them get on with their adult lives.

Hi Mintjulia
I agree taking away his computer was a bit extreme (this is the worst we've done for many years) but it was for lying and DP and I thought that the best thing to do to show a consequence for this. But I am glad he fells safe enough that he's comfortable lying to me - I would of gotten slapped to the other side of the room if I did that to my parents :)

At 17 I’m not sure confiscating a computer is something you should be doing. What house rule did he break? You sound quite controlling. I can’t think of any house rule break that would entail a weeks confiscation. I’m finding that part of your post tricky to reconcile. Your DS is pretty much an adult and you’re punishing by removing his property? No wonder he’s lashing out. For breaking curfew then a suitable discussion and action would include extra chores around the house. Is the punishment fitting the crime? I’ll be honest, your post makes it sound like he’s 7 not 17!

What did he lie about and how serious a lie? If he lied about drugs then that’s something that needs a different action. If he lied about how many bags of crisps he ate then you can let that stuff go. Your describing a 17 year old not a toddler. He’s entitled to his own life/thoughts outside of you. Is that why he’s lying because you’re wanting to know the ins and outs of everything? Has he got his own privacy?

Hi rightteous
I'm liking hearing other people take on this and I'm taking it on board.
You sound quite controlling that was hard for me to read as this is something I try really hard to always be aware of - I think I'm doing a great job not being like my parents, but I don't know how I fall in the scale with other parents with strictness. DP and I both discussed and agreed on the punishment, I was the one who later tried to reduce it by DS working off some of the time.

I think that's why I felt like some emotional support from DP as I literally wasn't allowed to be a teenager eg came home from uni and was going to go out with my high school friends one night and mum said I wasn't allowed!! ... sad part was I still listened

I think your dps "eye opener " comment was very interesting - is he trying to show you that you are not as good a parent as you think you are? Sounds quite nasty, as if he was a bit gleeful about it.

Feel sorry for your husband actually. You mention he works long hours and when hes home just wants to read. Your son kicks off so he keeps his head down and ends up getting blamed.

If he's almost crying saying his son never tells him he loves him (you said your sure he has but if your dp is almost crying so does he really) you need to talk to him. Is there something else upsetting him that he's not talking about. Work? Other family members? Perhaps that's why he didn't want to get involved.

As for your 17 year old kicking off as his console was taken away you both need to sit and have a calm chat with him. My partner and I are gamers, have been since we were young but too much gaming can be extremely bad for some people. We balance our gaming out with hobbies. Both inside and outside hobbies (sports, painting, etc)

As PP said- It would really help us give balanced replies if you said what the lie was about?

Also the use of 'house rules' feels a bit off at 17 isn't it a more relaxed 'how we do things in our home' by that age, more relaxed roughly doing what you are all happy with?

Did your DP agree with the punishment you had decided though? Or just say ok to it after it was handed out? What did your son actually lie about? For a 17 year old, to take away his computer for a week would be a very extreme punishment. Was the punishment based in inappropriate stuff he’d been caught doing on the computer like lying about accessing porn? I can’t actually imagine a situation where I’d be taking away a computer for a whole week with any of my teens.

Perhaps your DP didn’t agree with the punishment and the most supportive he could be is leave you to deal with the consequences? But if he did agree, he’s being a bit of a dick to leave you to it. And he should definitely be saying something when your 17 year old is verbally aggressive to you as that is not ok for a teenager to do that at all.

You sound very controlling with house rules and draconian punishments. Your DS will be 18 and an adult very soon, if you don't want to lose him you need to look at the way you parent.

Just to re-hass Anyway several months ago DP (together almost 25 years - DD 15 yrs and DS just turned 17)and I took DS computer use......Next day when DP and I brought up that he could get his computer use back two days early if he earned it by doing some yard work. DS didn't like that idea.

DS was still 16 when this all happened several months ago. DP and I both discussed and decided together (as I wanted to make sure the punishment wasn't too strict as I had a kind of abusive childhood). I tried to reduce the amount of days with no computer, as I started to think as many of you that 7 days was too long a time.

Has anyone any views on whether DP could of provided more support, or if that happened to you you'd be fine about it? - and no he wasn't bullied into agreeing, he's to pig headed to go along with ANYTHING he doesn't agree with smile

*to go along with ANYTHING he doesn't agree with (smile was meant to be a :) but didn't turn out

I completely disagree with the posters on here about the punishment - if you don’t like OPs choice of punishment, can you suggest alternatives please? In our society, if you lie about claiming benefits while working, you will be prosecuted. If you lie about having car insurance and are found not to have it, you have your licence revoked for a period. OP is teaching her son that negative actions have negative consequences.
OP, what struck me, reading your post, was that your DP seemed to be saying - DS doesn’t say he loves him, so he doesn’t want to be seen as the ‘bad guy’ here. I think you should talk again, and push the idea of presenting a united front to your son.

OP, I don't think that the punishment was too severe at all.

I actually think that all the navel gazing, hugging your son after handing out the punishment, explaining several times why the punishment was necessary, asking your dp for emotional support in front of your son, and giving ds the opportunity to earn the computer back early is more damaging.

All of the above makes you look weak. DS senses that with the right type and amount of pressure, you'll give in. Hence, he hates you and this is so unfair. In future, decide on the punishment and that's the last discussion you need to have.

Regarding emotional support - for your ds saying he hates you, really? If he's usually a good kid it means precisely nothing.

Your dp on the other hand is in tears that his son has never said he loves him. I think that was what the 'eye opening' comment was about wasn't it, or about your son's ability to say unkind things? Your dp sounds in need of emotional support more tbh.

He's 17. He's going to lash out at perceived injustices. It all sounds like a mountain out of a molehill to me.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain - thanks you explained it much better than I did. And I do agree maybe he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy but only for the first time DS said he hated me and a slight bit for the next as I really explained to DP how it was hurting me and we did need to stick together.

The part I am finding hard to forgive is the last time when DP said this is eye opening, as it felt like he was enjoying our son hurting me. Though I kept calm in front of DS , DP knew I'd be off crying again like the last two times.

hellodarkness - yes DS is usually a great ! I couldn't ask for better and I know it's all just part of growing up (still hurt though :D )

I'll ask later tonight again what he meant by 'eye opening' - last time I asked he admitted to being still angry with me for a tiff we had earlier (mainly about more emotional support)

It's interesting that you have come on here for options but still won't say what the 'lie' was, and it throws everything into a completely different light if it was (as PP said) for a big issue or not. That aside, I know exactly what you are talking about when you say your DP seemed to enjoy you being the bad guy in the situation, I used to catch a gleam of relish in the eyes of my ex DP when there was discoed with me and the DC's, I think he was jealous of our usual very close relationship which he perceived as 'unfair'

Opinions ! Not options!

I don’t think we have enough information to tell you anything about you family dynamics and what that means for your relationship. But here are my observations on what you wrote.

I have to say I don’t get the “punishment”. If he lied it should have had a relevant consequence for an adult. Even if I agreed with punishing people this was not age appropriate. It lead to a toddler response and then you started cuddling him. I’m not sure what you wanted from this act of parenting but it completely backfired. Rightly or wrongly I also think your husband feels you wanted him to play bad cop in this. It is making him think about the role he has been cast in the family.

I also get the impression that family life has centred around your need to expunge your childhood experiences. That’s not really fair on your family. My overall impression is that you are rules bound and possibly controlling, maybe in a different way from your parents. There’s a whiff of emotional blackmail. Life does seem to centre around your needs. I think you may be missing your son’s reaction sounds like addiction and your husband feels unloved by his children.

The issue of food stands out for me. The adults, young and old, should be able to decide what they want to eat in their home. Do they get a say in menu planning and food shop? And, how would you react when they tell you they don’t like your choices.

I think it's a bit extreme to still be obsessing about this comment months later and about your DS kicking off when he didn't like having his computer taken away.

I also agree it sounds like you are very caught up in righting the wrongs of your childhood. While it's admirable that you don't want your children to go through the things you went through it does sound as though how you relate to them is still very bound up in your past and your pain.

It's hard to say if the punishment was suitable as we don't know if he lied about eating the last packet of crisps or lied about why he needed money.

I have a son who is a similar age and the punishments that work in my house are not giving lifts (taxis are good here and he has a part-time job so he bears a financial consequence) or not doing his laundry- he's very fashion conscious so clean clothes are very important to him. He's too old for turning off the wifi as he has a contract with data and pays for his phone so obviously won't confiscate that.

As an aside my kids told me that they hated me when they were 2 or so. It's shorthand for telling me how angry they are and not personal.