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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can they change?

18 replies

melj22 · 16/07/2019 23:42

So I am wondering if anyone has some experience where their partner has changed for the better? Is it wrong to expect them to change - I have been waiting for years for my partner to fix his spending habits and give up smoking weed - is this wrong for me to ask of him? Should I just leave because it won't ever happen or do any of you have experience where positive changes have happened and saved a relationship? These two things are deal breakers for me now as our 2.5yr old is getting older - I can't face another 10 years of horrible financial stress due to his spending and another 10 years of him spending most of his spare time lying on the couch high - I want so much more for my children than this :-( Any hope??

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 16/07/2019 23:44

If having kids hasn’t motivated him to change I doubt he will. People can change, it has to come from within, but he doesn’t seem to want to.

FuriousVexation · 16/07/2019 23:47

If he hasn't made changes in 10 years, let's be honest, it's not likely now.

If he was going to, it surely would have been when your DC was born.

The trouble is, you've spent 10 years or so asking him to change his ways, he hasn't, and you've stayed with him. So as far as he's concerned: result! He just needs to give you a few empty promises every once in a while to shut you up.

If you want a better life for you and your DC then you're going to have to kick his lazy spendthrift stoner arse out.

Surfingtheweb · 16/07/2019 23:57

Yes, a man I know gave up smoking skunk after 25 years of daily consumption bar a few failed attempts to stop. He was never terrible with money though. He is much more fun now he's not stoned. Now doesn't smoke skunk, fags & has even quit his vape.

Original poster
melj22 · 17/07/2019 06:02

I think it’s just the hope he might change that keeps me with him, that and I really don’t want to have to share custody with him and let him have our son on his own

OP posts:
category12 · 17/07/2019 06:11

Does he show any interest in changing, see the need for it or make any effort to do so?

If not, then it's a big fat NO.

He's not magically going to transform unless he wants to and is motivated to do so. Which would mean you're waiting for something that won't happen.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2019 06:15

He is not going to change now, do not hang around for him to have an epiphany. You’ve wasted more than enough time here already with him.

Do you think that such a man anyway would be at all bothered re seeing his child post split?. This man’s primary relationship is with weed and cash, it’s certainly not with you or your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2019 06:16

I would certainly formalise all future arrangements re these children though the court process, no informal agreement should be made.

Windmillwhirl · 17/07/2019 06:21

Well, I quit drinking almost 10 years ago now because I had a real problem with it. The key is you have to want to change for yourself, not because someone wants you to.

Original poster
melj22 · 17/07/2019 07:09

He says all the time he wants to change and will often do small bursts of acting like it but then fall back into bad habits, also I do think he would make me share custody as wouldn’t the govt in nz

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2019 07:38

Are you in the UK or overseas? (I ask only as you mention NZ).
He is not interested in changing at all because any change he makes is short lived and enough to keep you quiet for a bit till the next time. This is who he is and he is not going to change for himself nor can you force change.

You can only help your own self ultimately. This is no life for you or your children either. Get off the merry go around re him.

I would seek legal advice re the property, children and finances.

Original poster
melj22 · 17/07/2019 08:06

I have had advice, no property or finance a to fight over - we have nothing really due to his spending, and the advice re our son is that I would have to share custody which is what is really keeping me in the relationships as I just don’t trust him with him - he would make him way overtired, throw is routine out the window and worst of all feed him foods he is intolerant too, at least if I stay I can protect my LO from that

OP posts:
Original poster
melj22 · 17/07/2019 08:13

also I am in NZ

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2019 08:15

Its still no reason to stay with him and staying with him shows you son a crap example of a relationship. He is not going to say thanks mum to you if you were to choose to stay with him. He could well call you weak and daft for doing so.

Even if (and that is a big if) he got some form of joint custody would he be at all bothered about seeing his children post separation?. Could he really be reliable long term, clearly not. These types of men are more interested also in what they can fleece from women who they see as stupid. He can barely be bothered with them now and cannot be fundamentally trusted to care for them properly.

confusedat30 · 17/07/2019 08:16

Yes change is possible. Father of my kids got clean and is now the most amazing father to them. We are split now but that was for other reasons. He has his children 50/50 and wouldn't settle for any less as he loves them so much. Before he got clean it was terrible and such a struggle to get any help. He has to want it for himself though, if he doesn't it'll probably never happen

Bananalanacake · 17/07/2019 08:18

does he work. so he could pay maintenance if he was asked.

category12 · 17/07/2019 13:03

If you can't trust him to look after your ds, then you can plan and prepare to leave in a couple of years when he's able to make his own food choices.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/07/2019 15:35

No, he won't change.

marblesgoing · 17/07/2019 15:50

Not in my personal experience op sorry Hmm

After 20 years of bad spending habits that I have had to sort and engineer finances to protect myself and my dc and the stress dh just ultimately has no self control.
He can only manage so long before he falls off the wagon again be it spending stupidly (and always on himself)or drinking far too much (which really affects our relationship) it doesn't matter how long as long as you keep sticking around it won't change and even if it miraculously did,every time the situation comes up you dislike them a little more each time til you get to my stage where by you actually don't give a shit if they want to blow their own money and drink every day anymore.

I've emotionally detached so far now that it would be a relief if he walked away.
He's not very pleasant to be around (think stroppy teenager not getting there own way)so I just do my own thing now.
Don't really engage with him unless it's to do with the dc and luckily our working hours are pretty opposite so it's not much different. Apart from I no longer make him a pack up or pick anything up for him I see if I'm out or put him first over myself.
I also haven't cooked a meal for him in over a week.
He had the nerve to moan about it the other day til I pointed out not once when he's been cooking for himself has he asked me if I'd like anything Hmm

I remind him and myself we are both responsible adults therefore responsible for ourselves in the big world.
He hasn't made a pack up for me or picked me up anything here or there for a very long time.
Been very one sided although he doesn't agree after all he did fix some things in the house that need fixing Hmm

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