I think I have found out my husband has cheated

[Peache5andcream]

Just over a week or maybe two weeks ago I opened up an iPad to charge for holiday, it hadn’t been used for around a year and once it had charged and I opened it up a message came up in the notifications straight away from Facebook messenger.
I thought this iPad must somehow be connected to my husbands account or whatnot.
Anyway the message read not in English ‘where is your wife?’
If it had anything else written I wouldn’t have looked but I was instantly curious and opened the messages, there I found messages from a women and pictures.

I thought I’d see how this goes as my husband seemed to be deleting the messages after the conversation was over.

Days past and still messages came some really gross and explicit, I found it so difficult not to confront my husband and with each new messages I found my tummy flipping over and I’d rush to the toilet!

We have been married 15 years and since I found the iPad I believe he’s met with her twice to sleep with her!

Days ago he sends her a picture of a love bite and rights something back like ‘you still hungry’ I shudder honestly!

She’s very young, my husbands nearly 50! I just can’t think what attracts her to him, I know that sounds mean but he’s bald and potbellied!

We own jointly two businesses we started from nothing, I’m in charge of accounts but he controls the money, unless he pays by card I don’t know if he’s paying her!

I know it sounds like I’m relaxed but a sudden realisation has hit me, although I sort the accounts I’ve never moved on in my life, had the same job for 12 years in childcare, lived comfortably without money worries and now suddenly these things concern me.

We have a teenage son in private education and I know this would destroy him, I’ve made a plan for myself to endure.

I have been thinking to educate myself so I can change a career and save money up for myself.

I can’t say if this plan will work, i might get so upset I confront my husband and leave. I might go completely crazy.

For now I can’t afford university or rent for myself hence my plan.

I really have no idea what I’m doing, I stopped spying now, it’s quite obvious and I know if I confronted my husband he would deny everything.

I just don’t know how I’m still living through this! Does reality take a while to hit?

Please help!

He is unlikely to leave you, if staying is what you really want.

He will be happy to keep using you both.

I could not bear it myself

Consult a solicitor and get an STI test.

Yes it’s going to be a difficult journey no doubt about it in fact it will be an unbearable journey.

Right now I feel so stuck and although I think I might be thinking or planning rationally I’m actually not? I don’t know.

I’m also waiting on diagnosis for something terrible so it’s really not rational to plan ahead when I don’t even know if it’s possible I’ll have a future, my life is shit right now.

In regular contact with doctors due to possible diagnosis, told the nurse she did swabs and they’re all ok, they must be using protection?

Sorry I don’t know how to quote a reply! Whoops

So sorry OP. Really.

You have no control over the diagnosis but you CAN control what you do about your husband. I’d talk to a solicitor and take it from there. It may be possible to ensure that school fees continue to be paid by him, I don’t know, but a solicitor can advise if you give them the financial facts.

You can't do quotes on here apart from copying and pasting. Like this

She’s very young, my husbands nearly 50! I just can’t think what attracts her to him, I know that sounds mean but he’s bald and potbellied!

See your next paragraph for the answer on what the attraction is....

We own jointly two businesses we started from nothing, I’m in charge of accounts but he controls the money

It's a tough one OP. I can understand you want to feel financially stable before leaving but you're talking about a long road.

If you're currently awaiting a diagnosis then I'd suggest not taking any actions right now until you know what the situation is.

Sorry OP, what a load of shit to deal with on top of your health worries.

Has he not noticed anything ? I don't think I could keep a poker face without ripping his head off.

Hope your health issues are resolvable

Couldn't read and run - OP you are a super strong lady. I really couldn't do this, I wouldn't be in control of my emotions everytime I was around him but well done you for staying calm and collected. I also agree that you should await your health results before you make any plans, especially because you shouldn't be stressing this much right now. Make a plan of action once you have your results and for now try to keep yourself busy. Sending hugs to you.

Hope your diagnosis is ok. If you can bear it talk to a solicitor when you have the mental capacity. You deserve better.

Have you not seen the love bite..? How can you be married to someone & not notice a love bite....?

I don't think your strategy of waiting an eternity to leave is a good one. You will get eaten up inside. I would confront him, sort out a divorce & leave. Health condition or not.

OP why do you need a new career if you already have two successful businesses? You are entitled to half of those at least aren't you? Don't sell yourself short here...

Hi OP,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this with your husband, plus you also have this diagnosis hovering over your head. Life is just NOT FAIR sometimes. (Sorry for caps, life makes me shout sometimes).
I think you need to hold off doing anything in terms of saying anything to your husband, in advance of your diagnosis. But in the meantime, use this time to gather info (I.e. ‘get your ducks in a row’) in terms of bank statements (joint & personal), his P60s, his payslips, and anything to do with pensions/life assurance etc etc. If anything else financial that would be useful. Take yourself off to a warm welcoming friend/sibling/mum. Look after yourself, and please take comfort in the fact that there is a massive nest of vipers fighting your former and wanting the best for you. Keep talking here xxx 🐍

*corner, not former... 🙄

Go see a solicitor. How much are the businesses worth? You do the accounts! You will be entitled to half of everything. Is there equity in your house? If all of the assets (house plus businesses) were sold, what would your half be? Would that give you enough to buy a two bed flat and put yourself through university? Start thinking of yourself. His behaviour is disgusting and you deserve better.

It is very sad but you can cope with it. You deserve better than this and so does your son. If you can try to make some copies of those messages you might need evidence. Book a meeting with a solicitor. This bastard will regret this.

I thought I’d see how this goes as my husband seemed to be deleting the messages after the conversation was over.

So how are you seeing them ?

Wow so many replies I can’t possibly respond to all of you!

The only ones I can think of that stick out are the love bite-nope didn’t notice, he’s been hiding it well!

As for the messages being deleted-I don’t see them all, I only see what I see then he deletes them. Sometimes they are on the notification screen on the iPad and when I go into messenger they are gone, then I go back to the notification screen and they disappear as well!

Has he noticed something is up with me? Maybe? He might think it’s my possible illness and all the test I’m going through?

I think I’m in shock and this hasn’t really affected me yet, I never believed this would happen.

I spoke to a friend who I have not spoken to in many years who had been through the same as she gave me great advice-there is no right or wrong way to behave, so what’s best for you and your child, you do what you can!

This is my mantra as of today, thanks for all advice, sorry not able to reply to all of you about everything and being a bit vague, I can reply later but work calls me!

I suspect that if you're awaiting a serious diagnosis; you've just not got enough capacity to deal with this too right now. You don't need to make any immediate calls.

My concern would be that if he's allowed her to give him a lovebite, he's becoming less private about this, and it may end up confronting you before you want him to know that you know. Which could cause issues if your end game is to live along "in ignorance" to get yourself in a better position. It may be worth making a plan for what you'll do if that happens.

Do you know when you'll find out about your diagnosis?

All the best, this must be a horrendous thing to find

Take copies of what you have found. Keep them in a safe place if you don’t want to rush into anything at the moment. Best wishes to you. It’s such a shock.

I read this while I was out. I think you need to be very, very smart about what you do before you react. I definitely think getting copies of all financial records, changing passwords, emails etc. Getting passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc out of the house and hidden away at someone else's place, where he will never find them. Don't tell them what they are looking after, or why. Screenshot everything and email it to yourself. (With time and date stamps if you can.)

Take pictures with your phone before they disappear.

So sorry you're going through this.