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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex issues, DH says it's him, I can't help feeling it's me

18 replies

NancyPantsy · 16/07/2019 20:32

I've been with my DH for 23 years, and we have always had a great sex life.

A few months ago, DH lost his erection half way through sex, and we just put it down as one of those things. It happened again a few weeks ago, and I stupidly got a bit upset about it.

I have put on around 4 stone in the past year and a half due to some serious health issues, I just don't feel attractive at all and can feel my flab wobbling all over the place when he have sex, and I feel like he just doesn't want to touch me because he can feel it as well.

He is going through a stressful time at work, hasn't had any time off since Christmas, and has said that it isn't anything to do with my but simply that he is burnt out and needs a break. He is also looking for another job as his current one, he is getting treat like shit. He is off work for two weeks in August.

Since the last time he lost his erection, we have only had sex twice, and the second time I felt he was losing it so stopped it before it lead to me feeling upset.

I just can't get past the feeling that he doesn't want me anymore, that it's all my fault and that this could potentially lead to the end of our marriage.

He has been very nice about it all, lots of reassuring texts that he just needs to have a holiday and find a new job.

I've said that I won't bring sex up again, but also that I don't really want him to give me any lingering kisses or touch me other than a cuddle as I really want to have sex and I'm getting worked up about not being able to have it.

Sorry this is a little jumbled. I can't really process it all in my head. I know sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, it is a part of ours though and I don't want to have a sexless marriage.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2019 20:35

What are you looking for op.? Him to tell you it's you? If you're not happy with your weight then deal with it. He's telling you it's stress etc. You either accept that or you don't.

I don't know what you want from him? Don't you think he is feeling shit enough?

category12 · 16/07/2019 20:36

How old is your DH? How is his health and fitness apart from stress?

You really have to stop making it about you, and consider whether your dh might need to see the GP. He's getting older and there may be a medical cause for this. He may be a candidate for a little blue helper.

category12 · 16/07/2019 20:37

Does he smoke, does he drink, diabetes, etc etc...

wallowinwater · 16/07/2019 20:39

Sounds like you need to give him a bit more support and understanding, he must be feeling awful about it.

WooMaWang · 16/07/2019 20:39

I would worry that your attitude is what is more likely to cause a sexless marriage. Telling him that he can’t kiss or touch you because he might not perform during sex will not help things and, over time, is exactly the sort of thing that kills the intimacy in a relationship.

Try to believe him when he says it isn’t you. It almost certainly isn’t.

Your weight is a separate issue. It’s obviously getting you down and affecting how you feel about your body. Maybe your GP could help with a sensible weight loss plan (given you have serious health issues).

GinIsHappiness · 16/07/2019 20:39

I had this happen to me with a guy I was seeing. I was gutted.... but sometimes with stress it does happen. So if he's feel feeling stressed and then you're feeling insecure about yourself, put all those things together sand it's going to make the problem worse..

With the health issues, are you able to shift some weight (if you're unhappy with it) and like he said he needs a holiday: so why don't you maybe book a little getaway -
Something to loo forward to and maybe something to aim for

Singlenotsingle · 16/07/2019 20:41

I'm impressed that you've still got a high libido after 23 years with the same man.

Original poster

NancyPantsy · 16/07/2019 20:48

I know, I'm being a massive cow to him. I'm finding it all very hard to deal with. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible. I do want to believe him, that's what I want. I've supported him through so much in our relationship/marriage, death of both his parents and the depression afterwards, supporting him with his career, the usual relationship trials.

The reasoning behind telling him not to touch me as much, is because he did it all day last week, teasing me in the usual way and I thought that we were going to have a good night, but it didn't happen and I ended up feeling crap.

He is early 40, good health, average fit.

I am trying to lose weight. It's a slow process.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2019 20:49

So which is it? You want sex and intimacy or do you not, because warning your husband not to touch or kiss you is insanely counterproductive in regards to getting your sex life back on track. The poor man probably doesn't know what the fuck to do.

Original poster

NancyPantsy · 16/07/2019 20:55

I meant that while he's feeling that he doesn't think he can do it, that I won't speak about it or make it an issue but he can't do any leading on. If he does want it, he can.

I know I sound like a bitch, I'm trying not to make it stressful for him, I can't deal with what's in my head and I can't get it across verbally or in writing.

OP posts:

BojoisACurnt · 16/07/2019 21:02

As a guy the same age as your husband I can recommend Viagra, or even better, Kamagra. Should put a back on both your faces

RumbleMum · 16/07/2019 21:09

OP is there someone you trust you can talk to about your self-esteem? What everyone else said is correct and I appreciate it's hard to turn off the way you feel about yourself but the situation can spiral if not handled correctly and as an PP said it's important you don't pile the pressure on.

This happened to DH recently as he was stressed at work and it gets worse when the man is worried about it. So I banned sex for a bit and instead we had 'non-sex' evenings - lots of intimacy and other activities, but no sex. It took the pressure off and completely eliminated the problem, and in fact did rather a lot of good for our sex life as we discovered some rather interesting things

Can you be honest with him and say you know it's not about you and you love him and support him, but your self esteem is also a bit low and can he support you in that too? So you're being honest about the issues but making it clear you know they're separate.

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/07/2019 21:36

He just sounds stressed OP. Men are mentally and physically affected by stress just like us.

I wouldn't stop the cuddling, kissing and touching though as that can be a slippery slope, frustrating as it may be.

Original poster

NancyPantsy · 16/07/2019 22:07

Thank you. I do have a vary negative opinion of myself, can't talk to anyone other than DH really.

We did discuss doctor, we are waiting until he has a break to see where it goes.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 16/07/2019 22:26

This almost certainly stress and happens to pretty much all men at some time. It's certainly happened to me, but it will pass. Don't get upset with him or blame him, that will make it worse. Tell him you understand and you're sure he'll be back to normal soon. Don't try to have sex for a few days, wait, say, twice as long as you normally would before trying again. The urge builds up over time so if you leave it longer than usually he should find it much easier to perform. Don't suggest viagra - if he is healthy he does not need it and it could induce psychological dependence. And don't stop cuddling or kissing him, that will just make him feel rejected. If he's struggling with his erection can't he satisfy you in other ways? That's what I would do with my DW if I was not in the mood myself. And deal with your own self esteem issues - just because your man doesn't get hard on a couple of occasions that really should not be a big issue in a 20year relationship.

WooMaWang · 16/07/2019 22:35

The fact that he is touching you and kissing you should tell you that he definitely does fancy you. And he does want to have sex. It’s not you and it’s not a lack of desire (for you).

Of course it is hard to remember that when you are struggling with your self esteem and feel less attractive. Well done on tackling the weight. It’s obviously upsetting you. These things do take time, but hopefully you can start to feel more positive about your body and feel desirable.

Because all your husband’s actions suggest that he still thinks you are very desirable. He’s just having trouble getting everything to cooperate right now.

Hidingtonothing · 17/07/2019 04:55

I do understand why OP but you're taking this way too personally. Poor bloke's had a bit of trouble a couple of times and instead of treating him with understanding and sensitivity you've made a big deal out of how it's affected you, how do you think he feels?!

It might just be how you've worded your posts but the stuff about telling him not to touch you 'while he's feeling that he doesn't think he can do it' sounds like you're saying 'don't start what you can't finish'. If that's right you're setting him up to fail really, he's never going to be able to guarantee it won't happen again and if he knows you're going to react badly if it does happen he's going to be too afraid to try.

I would be really quite upset if I was your DH, our bodies don't always function perfectly and he should be able to rely on your support and understanding when that happens. Has he been supportive of your health issues OP?

Original poster

NancyPantsy · 17/07/2019 06:47

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's certainly helped with my jumbled head.

OP posts:

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