WWYD about this friend??

[ImMeantToBeWorking]

Sorry if this is long and confusing but I am at a loss here,

A close friend has been trying to have a baby for years, going for IVF later this year, I recently found out I was pregnant. I told my friend I had a cold (to get out of a coffee date - I was feeling rubbish), she asked when AF was due (totally irrelevant right?), told her the following week when we met that I wasn't feeling great (tired etc.), again she asked about AF. I know I am pregnant, but as it is still early days, given I have had a MC before, and also due to her IVF I am not ready to tell her yet, I think in a way this has made me be more hesitant to be around her and communicating with her properly as I feel I am lying to her.

Last week we had a fight, some of it in a group chat (which she started - but I bit back at). When others backed me up she then text me in just our chat, I half arsed said sorry and explained why I was right (I knew I was right and I was not letting her win ), she still tried to argue her point but I said I was not fighting about it and left it there, I responded to an other part of her message but not the part we were arguing about.

I saw her at the weekend, things were awkward (due to the fight and as she was telling people she hadn't seen in months and barely knows she was going for IVF and I hated being there) but civil until she once again brought up the issue we had fought about thinking she was right all along, I realised then that she had read my original message wrong but I just ignored it as I didn't want to cause another argument, especially in public and I was too tired to care to be honest. She left without saying goodbye (we were in a group at the time but I noticed it - normally we would make a point of saying goodbye to each other)

Pregnancy has me very irritable, plus I am up to my eyes in work, stressed out because of it and it is a very busy time for my industry. I am worried about MC as well as other things going on. I know I was not totally blameless but knowing how stubborn she is, yesterday I sent a text again saying sorry , explained I have been stressed etc. and asking about something we had planned for a few weeks time as I need an answer on it (she was to give me one last Monday but she hasn't yet). She read the message nearly straight away, has been on whatsapp and facebook etc. since my message but still I have not got a response from her.

Thinking back on the other once or twice we have fought, I was always the one who said sorry, even though I was not always in the wrong. I was always the one made to feel like it was my fault, even though it wasn't. She recently got married and I know she was stressed about it, I was her ear to listen and I let shit from her slide due to the wedding, but now I think its not even worth fighting for the friendship as clearly apparently this is just how she is going to be from now on.

WWYD? I know I was a bit of a bitch, I have admitted that to her, but now she is clearly ignoring me after I reached out an olive branch. I am going to have see her over the next few days and it will be awkward as we will be in a group situation. Should I just ignore her or carry on like nothing happened? Normally when I have an argument with close friends or my DSis we make up within mins, none of this dragging it out shite. I don't know what to do!!

She wouldn't be a friend of mine, I assure you. Too much drama and bullshit. Bin her off.

Right so, I have read your post 3 times and still can't see where I was a bit of a bitch

You extended an olive branch when it was her that should have been extending it.

No more rolling over.

Quietly ignore her. Not pointedly, just happen to be talking to others. This is because you are waiting for her apology. If she gives one then perhaps you can be friends. If not, she's more interested in dominating you than in friendship. You don't need that.

I’d be ignoring her drama too, yes it’s sad she’s struggling TTC and you feel guilty your pregnant (?) but that doesn’t give her a free pass on shitty behaviour. You might find she will be awful anyway when she finds out you’re pregnant and blames this argument on your pregnancy too...

I’ve never had a fight with any of my friends. You’re going to have a baby, it might be wise to stop fighting with people.

If she is asking when your period is due she has clearly worked out you are pregnant and is finding it very difficult hence her strange behaviour. Infertility does mess with people's heads so I'd be inclined to cut her some slack.

What's AF?

@Aquamarine1029 funny she was always saying how much drama her DSis caused in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I was talking to her sis on the hen and at the wedding and I think she is lovely. Two sides to every story but even her DF said that the DSis was not the only one in the wrong. I am starting to think she just likes drama in her life.

@TowelNumber42 I will make a point to be busy with others and not hang around to chat after! I know I can be a bit soft at times, and I think I am being easier on her than I would be with others.

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax I am starting to think that this is just how she is to be honest, but then I was thinking I am just being overly sensitive because of how busy and stressed I am!

@Mymycherrypie it is not often I fight with my friends, but it does happen especially with my long term friends. It is always something stupid (like my bestie managed to set fire to my phone charger in an apartment in Portugal after I told her not to plug a double adapter into a travel adapter) and never anything serious or anything that drags out.

@Constance1234 this is my thinking behind it. Like it is so weird that she has asked me twice now, but I have not said anything to tip her off that I am, other than I didn't drink when we were out one night, but the town we were in has no taxis most nights and she knows this. I also asked her not to smoke in my car (as she lit one up just as she was getting in)

@Honeyroar AF is aunt flow - period.

Then yes, I'd say she has guessed that you're pregnant and is upset due to her IVF hormones and the failures.

She's being a bit personal!
I'd never ask or expect to be asked about AF by anyone except my DH and my GP.

I can only imagine that AF is something you are both comfortable discussing usually and that is why she asked you about your AF

@Honeyroar she has yet to even start IVF, so the hormones are only an excuse.

@MrsMoastyToasty and @jamjoejune to be honest, I don't feel comfortable discussing AF with anyone, it was months before I even saw my DP when I had AF, she is an over sharer and would tell me when she was in pain with AF but I am much more reserved than that. Probably added to my uneasiness about being asked about it.

But I guess she must have been trying for a while if she's going to do IVF? I never did IVF, but couldn't have children, and my heart broke every time a friend got pregnant - even without the hormones.. I never let on to my friends though.

I think she suspects you’re pregnant. Just avoid her. Don’t be forced into telling some random before you tell more important people. She’d not really important in the grand scheme of things and you’ve got bigger things to think about. Just stop messaging her and park it. Concentrate on staying calm and looking after yourself

@Honeyroar yes they were trying for a few years alright.

Thanks @rightteous you are so right! I am going to do that. My close family don't know yet so I am not telling others yet.

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy. You describe her as a close friend and so I wouldn't completely write off the friendship atm, but I would sit back and give her some space for now. I was in a similar position recently and so the following suggestion is based on what I did. When you are ready to tell your family and friends, I would drop an email or message to your friend (don't tell her in person) so that she can process the information in her own time. If you have a shared set of friends, it may be kind to give her a heads up a day or two before you tell the others. Be prepared for the message to go unacknowledged. In my case, her husband was the only one to reply to my email but we did have a friendly conversation 2 months' later at a social gathering. Long-term you may find that the friendship fizzles out naturally as your lives start to move in different directions.

I'd just phase her out of your life.
She's going to sabotage your joy at being pregnant - you do know that don't you?

What's AF?

Nanny0gg
Aunt Flo (period).

or it could be atrial fibrillation but i doubt it in this context

Thanks @snowy0wl. I think you are right, I am scared to tell her full stop so by message would be best. I don't want her finding out through others which she undoubtedly will.

@SavingSpaces2019 yes I am really starting to realise that. I have been thinking about it alot, and even the last time we were together it was all about her and how great her life is, just married, starting IVF etc. ect. She barely asked about me and anything I did say, she turned it back around on herself.

@Nanny0gg as @SavingSpaces2019 said it is aunt flo.

She did text back today, no apology, saying she didn't know what she did wrong, and then it really hit me, she is so self absorbed that nothing is ever her fault but everything is about her.

Thanks Ladies, you have really made me see that I was not going mad here, there is only so much my DP can say as he hasn't the mind of a woman so he doesn't understand how complex we can be.

Thanks!