I’ve been haunting this board for many years trying to make sense of where I have found myself. It’s probably a very familiar story but I can’t seem to extricate myself and I don’t know why.
For background, we’ve been together 25 years, married 20, 3 children (14,16,18). One with HF ASD. (So hopefully will eventually leave home & be independent but who knows when...) I work part time, don’t earn much.
Problems started I think when we had the children or maybe between dc2 and dc3. I thought all pretty standard not to have so much time for ourselves, to be immersed in baby/toddler bringing up life but dh wasn’t happy with sex (not enough) and also going through major stuff with his business (a failing family one that he was guilted into). He distanced himself from me (I felt) tho he said this was to spare me the potential horror of losing home etc.
Pulled through all that but sex continued to be a problem. Dc3 came along - dh jokingly questioned me whether his given lack of sex...
10 years ago, started counselling myself, then together. Seen about 5 different ones over the years. Now I am seeing the one we used to see together but dh decided she was against him and he sees another one.
This year I decided that I could not do this anymore and said I was going to leave once all the dc exams were over. However I am still here. Every time I think about leaving I initially feel it is right then I panic and feel extreme anxiety as if I’m being cast out. I feel scared and alone, that nobody loves me or cares for me, that I’m a nobody and I’m worthless. That I’ll lose all my friends & my family will be confirmed in their belief that I am difficult. I know this is catastrophising and my real friends will support me.
I spend far too much time thinking about all of this.
The nub of our problem is sex and the lack of it. Dh uses sex to shore himself up. He says he needs it to feel accepted and loved. But from my point of view it is all about him - even his desire for me to orgasm. He has pestered me so much for sex that I now feel traumatised.
We can have good spells, especially after sex, but these do not last long. Sometimes I think “he’s got it” after I’ve tried to explain to him that if he backed off a bit I’d have some space to come forward but inevitably, after one rejection too many he will sulk and ignore me but be Mr Jolly with everyone else.
I’m sorry this is so long so I’m going to stop as there’s so much more and it’ll turn into War & Peace.
My therapist says he is narcissistic so my question really is, am I then Co-Dependent or am I narcissistic too? What can I do to either make the jump and leave or find a tolerable solution to stay?