My partner has left me.

[JLove2019]

Hi everyone,

I wanted some advice regarding my recent relationship. I have been on here many times when looking for advice and support and found you all so helpful and honest and I need that at this moment in time. I am almost 34 and been with my partner for three years. We are engaged to be married and have a wedding booked for next year.

So I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I have been with my partner for just over three years. He moved into my house (I bought it just before we met) after a short time of dating. When we met he was in some financial difficulty due to a job loss he had experienced and having very little family support. By financial difficulty I mean that he had taken out some pay day loans in the past and the repayments were impacting upon him. He was also renting a house and struggling to manage payments. He has had a number of relationship breakdowns in the past. He has a history of living a various addresses and moving from place to place. People that have known him a long time have commented that he is 'unpredictable'.

Long and short of it is that we had some tough times at the start in our relationship where he had been dishonest with me about further debts he was facing (due to pride). He often became defensive when challenged and this would result in a big argument and him leaving me for a a few days. These arguments occurred a number of times and have been very volatile, lots of shouting, crying and hurt. I struggled to trust him after this and things were hard but we worked through these difficulties and he has gotten himself on his feet and financially he is now in a good place and has a good job. I trusted him completely with money.

I supported him by allowing him not to pay too much to live with me at the start of the relationship and helped him to get a better paid job. I also supported him by contacting the loan companies to claim irresponsible lending and got him compensation for this. He is now on his feet financially and seemed to be making great progress.

We got engaged last year and we have booked our wedding for May 2020 and sent out invites and I have bought my dress.

Lately he has been emotionally distant with me and there had been an incident where I had not been entirely honest with him about my recent struggles with money (nothing big, I just couldn't afford to pay as much into the joint account due to starting a new job which had been paying less money however I had not spoken with him about this which upon reflection was wrong). He lost it with me and told me that I had been dishonest with him and that I had 'punished' him for his previous mistakes around money and that what I had done was just as bad.

I sat down and spoke with him and was completely honest about money and apologised and said that this would never occur again. I told him that I was committed to making the relationship work and that I saw us having a happy future together. We have since spoken about the future and about buying a house together and everything seemed to be moving forwards.

We have been at logger heads since this time really. He has continued to be emotionally distant from me and despite me trying to make things more fun and loving he has not made the same attempts. I have had this overwhelming feeling that he is unhappy with me and that he would leave. We have continued to be intimate and have had some lovely times over the past month. We have also booked flights to visit a friend in Australia in December which he paid me for and we were discussing very openly.

I came home yesterday from work after speaking with him during the day to find that he had taken every single one of his belongings and left me a letter stating that he had decided to leave.

Within the letter he talks about how much he still loves me and how this is the hardest decision he has ever has to make. He talks about not being able to make me happy and that I am the best person he has ever met and ever had a relationship with. He says that he believes that this is the only option for us both to be okay.

As far as I am aware, he has taken his belongings to his sisters home. I have tried to call him but he is not responding. I have sent him an email explaining how this has made me feel. He has read this but not contacted me.

I am beside myself with grief at the loss of this relationship and also at the way in which he has done this. He has not contacted me or checked that I am okay. He still has keys to the house. When I spoke to him in the day I told him I was looking forward to the weekend and he advised that he was too. I am so confused by this and cannot understand why he would leave in this way. He stated he had no option other than to go when I was not there.

He also has a daughter who is 12 who I have a good relationship with.

What should I do now?

Thanks,

J

Gosh. So sorry you're going through this. But it sounds to me like this man is a non-starter.

Marriage is hard - really hard - and your relationship so far doesn't bode well for a future together.

Let him go. Change the locks (or get the keys back). You are young, secure in your own home, and you have been taken advantage of by a man who can't handle responsibility.

Love really is blind. Good luck to you.

I think you need to buy some treats, and watch a sad movie and have a good cry. Sometimes relationships don't work out. I think you will meet someone else more responsible and mature down the track and be glad this one didn't work. Don't contact him or his daughter. Sending a big hug.

What Sicario said. 100%.

Wallow for a while in the loss of the relationship, have some time to yourself, then pick yourself up and get back out there.

Oh OP, you must be heartbroken. But I wonder, if you read all this again, if you can see the warning signs that others will have picked up on. It sounds as if long term commitment to anything is an issue for him and really I think he has done you a favour in the long run. It is better now than after you are married/have bought a house/had a baby.

He doesn’t sound like a very nice person to be honest and really there is nothing you can do now other than go out and get legitimately legless with friends, eat loads of chocolate and get as much support from friends and family as you can. I have a feeling you are probably having a lucky escape....

He had obviously planned to leave like this and it was cowardly not to tell you but I think you need accept it is the end. It sounds like you were hanging on by a thread in that relationship anyway sorry.

Sorry, it hurts.

But honestly, payday loans in secret? You've had a very lucky escape

You poor love.
Everything the other pp said.
And you deserve better.
You supported this man through a very difficult time.
I especially liked how you sorted his pay day loans.
You sound like a smart cookie.
He has been very lucky to have you. And this is definitely his loss.
It's a bit like biting the hand that feeds you.
I'm Always on the Side of working on the relationship but He sounds bit like he's a drama larma. Can't cope when things are on a even keel.
Steer clear.

Oh my god I'm so so sorry. What an awfully cruel way to leave.

This happened to me 10 years ago, I came home one evening to find everything of his gone and a discarded roll of bin bags on the kitchen side. I was beyond devastated and took a couple of weeks off work.
A month prior to that we were due to get married, but I called it off as I knew we'd end up divorced. We were hideously toxic.

Anyway, after a few weeks of him sleeping in his mates spare room he wanted to come back, and I said no. I didn't mean no, I really didn't, but at that second he text I was sat with my friend who told me to say no.

I then went back to him later and said I did want him, and he said no.

Luckily when we were both weak we kept catching one another when the other was strong, and said no.

That relationship took me a long time to recover from, and a mutual friend told me it did him too.

I am now (at 34) very very happily married to a wonderful man (met three years ago) who I can guarantee will never ever leave me like he did.

You don't deserve this, it's childish and bloody awful. Can you ask a friend or your mum to go about cancelling wedding plans? I know you don't want to, I totally understand that, but please please trust (a stranger) that you'll be pleased you did in a few years time.

Sorry you’ve gone through this. It sounds as if it’s over though, and better for this to happen now than after you’re married. Look after yourself.

I am sorry you are going through this and I am sorry to say the following things because it will hurt. But I wouldn’t want you to go back to him or not see this for what it was.

I don’t think you would ever have a happy life with someone like this. He is reckless and unreliable. More than that he uses people and he used you to get back on his feet.

Basically you met him when he was habitually unemployed and homeless. This has been a consistent feature of his life and tells you that he is unable to hold down a job and pay his way. He got into debt and defaulted because he takes what he wants but wants other people to pay for it.

He has never done anything to resolve these problems. You put him back on his feet this time. I would bet my bottom dollar in the past his family did it and then maybe another girlfriend did it.

He is a loser and a user. Obviously so when you met him, he needed your generosity and help more than your love. He lied to you and treated you badly in return. But being a selfish bastard who didn’t return the favour when you needed it. The reason you didn’t tell him you couldn’t afford the monthly payment was because you knew he would kick off. You knew he wouldn’t share.

Sell the dress and cancel the wedding. These are sunk costs. If you paid for the tickets then find out how much it will cost to transfer them into a friends name. Then go away with a friend.

Be sad but be angry and don’t chase him. There is no happiness to found with him.

Check your credit reports and delink yourself from him.

I'm sorry your going through this, you supported him when thing's were financially difficult for him and got him back on his feet, you get into a bit of difficulty yourself and he does a runner!! I know your hurting and love him, but is this the kind of man you really want, i would stop txting him he'll be enjoying that your chasing him, you'll hurt for a while you will get over him, by the sound of it he uses people.

I’m sorry. But painful as it is, you’ll get over this.

He used you. When he no longer needed you financially, he skulked off like a coward. Whether he has feelings for you, or you for him, you deserve better.

Take some time for yourself. You will find someone who loves you for who you are, which is what you deserve.

You've got him back on his feet. He doesn't need you any more. He's planned this carefully and he's moved on. He still wants you to think well of him, which is why he wrote those things in the letter. He doesn't mean any of them, or he wouldn't have done this.

It happened to me too. I desperately wanted to believe it was retrievable but it wasn't. All I did was humiliate myself and prolong the agony. And deep down, at some visceral level, I knew the truth, that he didn't love me any more. I felt unloved. You're describing that feeling. Don't fight it, work towards accepting it and you will recover faster and with more dignity than I did 💐

What should I do now?

Seriously? Dump him, he's awful.

He's a cocklodger, an unusually poor quality one and that's saying something 🤨 who has put you to work housing him, mothering him and taking care of his own child.

Lovely, in the nicest way, are you really so incredibly desperate for a Y chromosome in your house that you would hitch your own quality, financially stable, successful wagon to this total bounder? He is basically homeless, a vagrant. He's a net drain on both your financial and emotional resouces. He's not even fucking nice to you! Why would you help him to replicate himself further by marrying and starting a family with him?

There are so, so SO many completely average men out there. You could have one of them. Dump the vagrant and get an average one.

Future predictions of Bounder: emotional abuse, stealing, affairs, leaves OP, divorce costs OP half her assets or more, Bounder wasn't working so claims he's a SAHD and OP pays child support. Bounder has his new lady actually look after OP's child. OP repents at leisure. The End.

www.amazon.co.uk/Runaway-Husbands-Abandoned-Recovery-Renewal/dp/0986472107?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 Get this book and read it ( it doesn't matter he is not your H) . She has loads of good points which will make you look at this clearly.

Really sorry; that sounds very cruel.

BUT... honestly, he has done you a favour.

I trusted him completely with money.

WHY? He's rubbish with it, taking out pay day loans and not being totally honest about it. You mentioned a joint account; get your half or however much you are entitled to out of that RIGHT NOW.

Stop calling him, stop emailing him. He has made it clear how he feels. Yes, it's horrible and it's going to be horrible for a while, but you will recover and feel better again. And thank your lucky stars that you only wasted 3 years with this loser.

And he is a loser.

Oh, and change your locks today.

Dear OP, I agree with everyone else, you have had a lucky escape.

He was emotionally abusive and your post is full of red flags. I'm so happy he left you as you sound as if you are too nice to have left him.

Please change your locks right now. Then get support IRL and get whatever counselling you need to recover, but please if you were my sister or friend I would beg you, do not contact him again, and be happy that you have had a lucky escape. It may take weeks, months or even years for you to fully recover (hopefully just weeks) but you owe it to yourself to make a good life for you. You were doing so well before you met him, with your own home, etc. You can get to a good place again. And again, be thankfully you are not liable for any of his debts.

I agree. He no longer needs you financially so off he's popped. At least you didn't get as far as marrying the using toerag.

When you are back on your feet or he is struggling again, he'll be back to have another attempt at sucking you dry.

Change your locks. You might not feel it now but you've had a lucky escape.

You really need to work on your boundaries! Just re-read your post from another persons perspective and ask yourself why you accepted a man moving into your place when you barely knew him, losing his job, knee deep in debt and expectant of you to fix things?

Guy sounds like a textbook walking cluster b personality disorder tbh.

OP honestly - he sounds like a weak, pathetic shit. Who leaves their fiance a note telling them they are leaving? Absolutely appalling way to treat you

It sounds like he has used you until he's been able to get back onto his feet and now dumped you when the good is going

You are well rid

Sorry - I know this is blunt. But you sound lovely, he however, sounds like a grade A arsehole

I wonder if he thought your new job (paying less money) was going to mean that you would need HIM to step up financially and take some of the pressure off you?

And he's thought 'fuck this for a game of soldiers, she can't keep me in the style I'd like to be kept in any more - I'm off.'

I really do feel for you, OP. Being left at all, by anyone, is beyond horrible. Weep, wail and throw things, then eat ice cream and in a couple of weeks you'll be congratulation yourself on your narrow escape.

I'm so sorry OP but it sounds like he used you. Once he was on his feet and financially stable, he dumped you as he no longer had a use for you. The fact you may no longer have been financially stable yourself was probably all the excuse he needed.
I know this sounds harsh but you need to accept this so you do NOT take him back and see him for the a-hole he really is.
Look after yourself and see this as a lucky escape.

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I hit rock bottom last night but you have all helped me to see some of what I already felt. I just needed someone else to see it and reaffirm this.

The only way now is up then!