Is she being a shit friend or am I being unreasonable?

[friendoftheweek36]

I’ve been very close fiends with a woman I met about 10 years ago. Over this time we have lived in the same city and lived hours apart but have always maintained a strong friendship, messaging a lot, on the phone and regular effort on both our parts to meet up at least once every month or so.

She got married a couple of years ago and now she is filing for divorce. Obviously she needed a lot of support during this time, which I gave her whenever she needed it. She met someone new about 10 months ago and I have barely heard anything from her. She’s changed a bit...mirroring this person’s interests etc which I find odd as she used to be quite independently minded. But that’s an aside really.

It came to a head for me recently when she didn’t even contact me on my birthday. There’s no reason for her to not speak to me and I have tried to keep up messaging and meet ups and she’s perfectly pleasant and engaging when she replies, but it is evident that she isn’t bothered if months pass and we don’t see each other.

For the record I am the least needy friend I can think of...I take my friendships seriously but I’m not one to argue with friends or take issue and i have a lot going on myself and have other friends who have more free time. What has annoyed me here is that she still messages with things she wants to chat about and I’m sure she would be there for me if needed but she has all but stopped making an effort with the friendship as it was. Yes, I know friendships change etc etc and maybe that is what has happened here.

Am I being unfair?

I don't think she's shit, nor do I think you're being unreasonable.

Maintaining your friendship sounds like it took a lot of effort and she is more focussed elsewhere just now, that's all.

You said she's changed quite a bit. I bet you remind your friend of the old her, her old life, marriage etc For whatever reasons she's changing and so she's gradually distancing herself from you as part of that

Sorry OP I know it hurts

I think what I found shit was the lack of birthday message. Not even a text. All last year she really needed me and I was there for her. Like I say I’m not a clingy person and I’m totally aware of people going off the radar now and then, I do it myself! But to not even say happy birthday for me just says I don’t even figure in her life.

It's sad but true. She's ending your friendship. If you didn't contact her I wonder how long it'd take for her to message you (unless she wanted support or something)

I did stop messaging a few weeks back and she got in touch again as if all was normal. I didn’t say anything about it because like I say it’s fine if she’s busy. I just suddenly thought actually it’s not ok to not text me happy bloody birthday after a 10 year friendship and how much I was there for her all last year. I won’t be texting her again. Guess this happens in friendships!

She is being shit; YANBU.

She's clearly all wrapped up in her new relationship & not bothering making the effort with your friendship. But that's crap, after 10 years & you are not wrong to be annoyed/upset.

I think you do have to leave her be now, but it's hard. 💐

She’s one of those people (or used to be!) that made a big thing about friendships and treating people well. I will definitely leave it now. Thank yo for the responses.

Hi OP, sadly she is one of those people who, when in a new relationship, gets wrapped up in it and it becomes the most important thing to them.
I don't think its anything to do with you at all. She is selfish and doesn't treasure friendships in the same way you do.
I have a friend a bit similar to this. She is all over me when she needs something but when her life is going well, she loses interest. I think when you accept someone is like that you can then choose to just accept it and not be bothered by it or drop them from your life.