So confused about my marriage

[lizamarmalade]

I don't know if my marriage is ending or if we've just hit a rough patch. I just don't seem to know my own mind anymore. Sometimes, I think I have to stick it out with DH for our kids' sakes. But other times, it just all feels so miserable. When I imagine my life in 20 years, I feel sad that it could still be like this.

We have had sex once in the last four years - at my instigation and he was very drunk. We never had much of a sex life and it has eaten me up inside trying to work out whether he never seemed to want to sleep with me much.

Now with two young DC, we seem to bicker over everything. Just tonight, I went in to ask him to help me sort out DD's bedtime, as he was watching TV and he started huffing and accusing me of implying that he was just sitting around doing nothing. I wasn't at all - I just wanted some help, simple as that, but he makes me feel so unreasonable.

He tuts and huffs a lot around me - little things like at sports day the other day, he moaned at me for getting in the way of him doing a video of DS running. I hadn't even realised he was doing one - was just cheering on DS. But he made me feel clumsy and stupid in front of other parents and it's not the first time he's belittled me subtly in public.

I don't think I am so angry towards him but, like I say, I just don't seem to know who I am anymore.

Also, I've started fancying other blokes - I would never cheat but I feel sad that I'll never feel desired anymore and I'm only in my late thirties.

When I imagine splitting up, I feel excited and hopeful - and then horribly selfish at the thought of willingly hurting my DC. Also really scared about the financial side of things - we own a house but I'm self employed and wouldn't earn enough to take on the mortgage alone or try to buy him out.

In short, I don't know what the hell to do....please help me think clearly again!

It's pretty obvious this marriage is making you more sad than happy and it's also sexless. This isn't really a relationship is it?
You clearly need to end it, you say yourself you are excited at the prospect. It's not easy and you will probably be financially worse off but.. It's worth it. Do it.

You would be hurting your children more if you were to choose to stay in a loveless marriage where you are miserable.

Whose sake would you be staying for, it would not be theirs but more like yours, do not be so afraid of change.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Teach them good lessons about relationships, they will thank you for doing so.

Thanks @pog100 - I appreciate you responding. I think I've forgotten what a 'normal' relationship is because we've been together so long - nearly 15 years - and it's been like this for most of that time.

I had counselling last year and it made me realise quite a bit of stuff about myself - like the fact I have really low self-esteem and I married DH, despite there being major red flags, because I couldn't imagine anyone else loving me.

Now I've brought two DC into this mess and I feel terrible about that. We've had happy times too but there always seems to be this atmosphere - this strain.

It's hard because I don't want to hurt anyone but I guess that's inevitable.

Also can't bear the thought of DC losing their family home or of DH being in some flat somewhere on his own - or of us arguing over custody and me only seeing the DC half the time.

I have no real experience of divorce because no one in my immediate family has ever split up. I can see how it can be a positive thing but it also really scares me.

I would think that choosing to be in this marriage would be far more scary to do. This is no relationship model to be showing your children.

Things that made me realise I needed us to split were :
When dh reminded me one day we could live in a bungalow when dc left home....
When he stopped having sex with me...
When he controlled our finances..
When I thought of him with another woman and I didn't care..
When staying was damaging dc more than me leaving...

Please start to prepare yourself to leave. Feel free to tell him if you want to. But this is not ok for the rest of your kids childhood or longer. Really it's not.

@lizamarmalade just as Attila said, this is no example to set your children. You cannot go on like it, imagine how you’ll feel in 20 years if you stay. It’s really scary I know, but imagine being free and happy and how that happiness will make your kids happier too.

Thanks for the comments - they're appreciated.

@Yellowweatherwarning, I hope you don't mind me asking - how long did it take you to actually leave after you'd started thinking about it? And how did your DC cope? Did you stay in your family home?

You sound very sad. And your H sounds unhappy too. For both of your sakes, you should either go to couples counselling or admit it’s over and try to split in a “good” way so your dc are happy.

Yes, I think he is sad and that breaks my heart tbh.

And, yes, to a 'good' breakup - I would want us to be friends, despite the fact we don't seem to get on all that well at the moment.

He's said 2 things recently which have made me wonder if he's thinking the same as me.

One was that he mentioned a celebrity who'd talked about staying friends with her ex and he said that was a good way of going about it - and another was that he mentioned a friend whose parents had stayed together but hated each other and it had really fucked up this friend. Now I wonder if he was trying to open up a conversation about our relationship.

We came close to splitting up a couple of years ago when we'd just moved house and things were very stressful. I told him we'd be better off apart and he got upset and said he was scared I would take the DC away from him and I said I'd never do that to him. But now I wonder if he's just hanging on for the DC, like I suppose I am.

Took me 20 months to leave. To accept I would have to share my dc with such an awful man. I moved out, we had always said whoever wanted to split should be the one to go..
Wasn't pleasant. But he was beyond evil in my mind.
Took strength to move on but I did.
And you can too op.

I split with my ex H when my daughter was only 7. Went through the same feelings of guilt and worry about whether I would cope on my own. I was unhappy for years and thought about leaving him all the time. When I finally did it I felt nothing but relief. It's a really hard decision to make and a very brave thing to do, but if you really feel there's no future in your marriage you need to move on.

Incidentally my daughter is fine and not at all scarred by the break up, sees her dad all the time. I'm now remarried and couldn't be happier. There is life after divorce.

Oh OP

I had counselling last year and it made me realise quite a bit of stuff about myself - like the fact I have really low self-esteem and I married DH, despite there being major red flags, because I couldn't imagine anyone else loving me.

I did something very similar when I got married. Flags waving all over the place but I felt that I needed to marry him, he would be the only person that would feel like this about me & I needed to lighten up & he'd make sure of that.

Our overall situations are probably different - my marriage was extremely emotionally & especially financially abusive. We lasted 10 years, had 3 children, an overall relationship of 17 years. It was hell, really. A handful of happy moments, so much sadness & really after the kids came along, it got worse & worse & worse. And still I stuck it out, with some vision of a happy family / marriage 🙄

Anyway, he was horrendous to me, I came close to a breakdown & finally it ended, quite suddenly.

Shortly before that I remember feeding my youngest & crying & crying thinking how could this be the rest of my life? How would I endure?

Honestly, being relieved of that one feeling alone has been worth everything. It's awful to feel trapped.

However, I would say the majority of relationships don't go the happy-ever-after, lets-now-be friends route. Some do, of course. Many, many more don't.

I too had fantasies of us co-parenting & being friends, sitting around, discussing the kids & planning their lives ...I'm clearly dim & a slow learner as NOTHING like this has happened.

He's having the life of Reilly; he sees kids for fun times, I have been through hell, although I work f/t in a good job, financially it has been excruciating.

I've struggled to formalise things - and he can't be bothered - so I am painfully dragging myself through divorce proceedings & it's so draining.

Anyway enough about me! I think you know this isn't a life. Whatever comes next is worth it - I can still say this as much as the aftermath for me has left me in pieces & not imagining (after 6 years 😥) any kind of future / relationship for me personally.

I'm so sorry @Yellowweatherwarning - that sounds horrendous. I'm glad you got free.

@MichelleC69 - what a relief that your daughter came out of it okay - did you share custody? And also that you've now remarried and are happy. That's so wonderful and reassuring to hear.

@EarringsandLipstick , I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time.

Thanks @lizamarmalade yes we do share custody, she spends 3 nights a week with him. It is very hard at first not having your child at home full time but you do get used to it and you will build a life and appreciate the free time eventually. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

Hi OP, just to give you my story. I was with ex for 17 years. Very rocky relationship from the start. We had 2 DC but I was unhappy for a long time and we nearly split up a couple of times. I didn't go through with it for the same reasons as you.... fear, scared of hurting kids, scared of hurting him, scared of how I'd cope on my own etc etc.
It got to the point where I literally couldn't live with him anymore so I ended up telling him. He didn't take it well (even though he clearly was unhappy too) so it was a very difficult time. We put the house on the market and he moved out. I worried how the kids would take it but, honestly, they are both doing great! My oldest took it a bit harder (he was 9) but 2 years on and he's doing fab at school and both kids are totally fine with the new routine of Dad's every other weekend and holidays.
It was hard for me for the first few months and I won't say it was easy but I've never been happier now (and I've now met someone else).

Thanks @lizamarmalade I still feel so guilty (in relation to the kids, mainly) and also ashamed (yes, silly I know as what's the point of that? But I know almost nobody, and especially no-one close to me whose marriage has ended. I just hate it).

But the reason I replied mainly is I could identify with what you said but wanted to reassure you that anything is better than this cold dread of knowing you aren't happy & it won't get better.

And obviously lots of other (less intense!) people can tell you stories of much more positive outcomes & happier futures, new relationships etc.

Good luck thinking this through. I wish you happiness ❤️❤️

It's nice to hear stories from posters who are really happy & have met someone after their marriage ended.

It is really lovely and heartening to hear those stories. It makes you realise how positive it can be to make that decision.

I've woken up even more confused - keep thinking 'is this all my fault?' and 'is the problem actually me?'

He's not a bad person or a bad dad but it just doesn't feel right between us any more.

Have you been to any counselling sessions, together? They can be very helpful in helping you both make a decision.

We haven't but I've considered suggesting it to him. When I had counselling last year on my own, the counsellor said that we might benefit from it.

It's just getting the time to do it but I guess there's no harm in suggesting it to him and seeing what he thinks.

Yes, It can’t do any harm to suggest it.