Feel like I’m living in purgatory

[CricketWorldCupWasAmazing]

Firstly please don’t say you’ve made bed now lie in it.
I know this is my fault.
I know I’m in the wrong.

I have to live with myself every single day & I hate myself every single day.

There is only one person who knows any of this. I’m so ashamed of myself I lie about the circumstances.
My BF knows , I talk to her but she’s moving away soon. She says I need to stop punishing myself & that everyone deserves happiness.

I had an affair with a married man.
There are no excuses. My Ex & I we’re going through horrific financial difficulties but that’s not an excuse.
Not sure if it’s relevant but at the time my ex & I were swinging (not much). We were married for 23 years & this was a relatively recent activity. We were married very young.
I confessed to my Ex & told him I no longer wanted to be with him but I was not leaving him for the OM.
My ex was devastated, there were a few police incidents but eventually we both found our own places.
OM went by the usual script of leaving his wife but tbh I didn’t want him to leave her.
Anyway she found out. He immediately said he was leaving & fulfill all his responsibilities.
He turned up & said ‘I’m here , let’s start our new life’
I was so weak - why didn’t I just tell him it’s not what I wanted ?
3 years on we are still together.
I feel I have to stay because I caused this.
I caused the pain to his children & wife so I have to live with it.
My children 23 & 21 have no idea I’m with him & would never ever accept him (my ex showed them a photo of him & told them I’d had an affair).
They never come to my house. I go to my home town where they live once a week.
They think I’m in a house share.
In the town I’m a pariah. My ex’s family are a long established family in the area & make me feel very unwelcome just walking down the street.
Most of my ex’s & my friends just blank me.
I honestly think I have 1 friend in the world & she’s moving abroad.
I love my DP but I’m not in love with him.
I have no attraction to him.
I pick fights to push him away.

I put his children through hell. They come EOW.

I just feel I have to stay I pay my penance.

I tried to leave last week but got a barrage of messages ‘why am I not good enough for you ? ‘
Can I Iive like a dirty little secret for the next 40 years ?

I don’t understand how I left my husband after 23/24 years but I can’t leave after 3 ?

Please I know I behaved appallingly. I just don’t know where to turn

Ah OP take a squeeze.

You are being far too hard on yourself. You fucked up and you didn't fuck up alone, it doesn't mean that you need to pay for that fuck up for the rest of your life!

You need to forgive yourself and work out a way of ending this relationship you're in. You are not obliged to stay, this man also must shoulder his part in all this. He's the one who chested on his wife and left her.

Everyone makes mistakes. You made one but that shouldn't mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. It will be worse if you stay with your partner when you don't want to.

Make plans for your future then be honest with him and leave him. Live by yourself and don't tell any further lies to your ex or your children. If they find out you are lying they may never forgive you.

Oh, and be kinder to yourself.

Thank you & yes you are so right about the lies.
I’m so tired from trying not to trip myself up.
I just want to wake up in the morning with my stomach not in knots.
Just writing my OP I know this is the first step to making changes.
I don’t want to hurt anyone else but I’m going to have to buy I truly feel if I don’t I’m going to up hurting myself just to stop this feeling I have

Stop punishing yourself. You need to focus on what life you want and go after it. Yes, you messed up, but you don't have to pay penance for eternity.

You didn't kill anyone. Perspective is needed here x

I also think that you are being too hard on yourself. Affairs are always messy. You don’t owe it to his wife and children to stay with him though. He was the one who betrayed them.
You need to leave. Live your life for yourself. It doesn’t matter what he says or does. It doesn’t matter how he feels really. You don’t want to be with him. You don’t have to be with him. I hope you can find some happiness

@Windmillwhirl - you are right . I need to get perspective.
I’m just feeling shit & have done for 3-4 years.
I just don’t understand how this confident woman has turned into a cheat & now too scared to do what she knows she has to do.
My future will be horribly hard when I go but I know it’s my future I have to take control of.

It won't be easy, but you will get through it. You can get your life back to how you want it.

I want to give you a big hug. You have truly suffered enough. Take control of your life, decide what you want for you and go for it.

.You don't owe this man any more of your life. Say it till you believe it.

Time to pull up your big girl pants and get your life back on track. You need to be fearless and not be swayed. You can do it!!

Apologies for all the clichés

Everybody’s human. Everybody makes mistakes. You don’t have to stay with this man. The mistake is as much his as yours! This isn’t all on your shoulders!! Live by yourself and build your relationship up with your kids. Your relationship with your kids has nothing to do with your love life. You can be a parent separate from everything else. I’d suggest to get some counselling.

Leave him, move somewhere new, start again, meet new friends, take up a new hobby.

Don't be miserable for the rest of your life.

You have spent the last 3 years punishing yourself.

Time to move on

Well I realise I'm in the minority here but your self pity is hard to stomach.

It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is buying the wrong colour handbag. You made daily choices to begin and then continue an affair. You knew it would hurt his wife and children, and your own family too, but you still kept going.

It is really hard not to think that your only real regret is that you are now paying for your own unwise choices, in choosing a man you no longer want or feel happy with.

What is stopping you from leaving? Being alone? Accepting that you made a stupid choice? The sense that everyone will know that you threw away a whole life, and hurt people, for nothing at all?

You've left a relationship before. Just make your arrangements and go. Maybe then you can begin to build a life you can be proud of, build bridges with people you've hurt, find someone that makes you happy. I know I sound harsh but honestly nobody is going to rescue you are they? Your plans didn't pan out, just fix it as best you can.

@hellodarkness
I’m proud of my kids, everything I’ve achieved in my life.
I made mistakes & I’m paying for them every minute I’m awake.
I’m scared of hurting more people. Him, he’s kids who I have cooked, cleaned etc for EOW for the last 2 years.
Maybe I should live like this forever & not hurt anyone else.
I’ve had CBT for 2 years.
I have utter, utter self loathing of myself.
I’ve had hate letters sent to me.
My self loathing is off the scale.
I’m not looking for just nicey replies & I understand your post.
I’m not looking for someone to rescue me.

It felt good to verbalise.
I know the mistakes I made.
Every moment I’m awake I literally don’t think of anything else.
I HATE myself

Are you able to move away from the small town to nearer your children? The place sounds toxic.
End it with your BF--you are clearly unhappy and, no, you don't have to stay with him. You are only responsible for your own actions-not his.
I'd have a truthful chat with your children about the reasons behind breaking up with their dad and about your BF.
Sounds like you have taken on everyone else's guilt. Let it go.

You put his children through hell when they come EOW?

For that reason alone, you need to leave the relationship.

Cut the self-pity and make yourself a new life.

Christ almighty.
What's the OM like?
Do you feel emotionally responsible for him?

It's interesting that he just showed up on your doorstep and expected you to take up with him. That's one fuck load of entitlement, right there.

He sounds a bit shit. Is he maybe a bit shit? Maybe you got hoodwinked (and his ex wife escaped)? You need to face the reality of this head on if you are going to get yourself out of it.

@category12 - where did I ever say I put his kids through hell ???????????
I’ve done everything to make them welcome & comfortable
I’m a monster in some ways but Jesus Christ I’m a mother & would never hurt a child. Fuck sake

You did in your OP. I put his children through hell. They come EOW.

But stop punishing yourself. Can you get out?

I imagine @category12 was referring to this line in your OP:
"I put his children through hell. They come EOW."

It was probably a typo, but there is no reason for you to live like this, or force his kids to.

Pack a bag & walk away.

It sounds like you need to live your life alone for a while, working out what you want.

Give yourself the time & space to do that.

Unless you're reliant on the OM financially, there's nothing to say you can't leave tomorrow.

Ok I meant at the time they went through hell.
I don’t put them through hell when they come over.
Like I said I’m monster in my actions but I would never physically hurt a child

I’ll find a way to leave.
Thanks for all that input.

Yes, I was referring to that line of your opening post. I'm glad it's not what you meant.

OP, you have one life and you don't owe this guy the rest of it, and you don't have to pay penance for the rest of it. Make the leap, leave him and live a different life.