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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I help my friend?

12 replies

elfinblast · 29/07/2007 21:53

Best buddy has 3 kids from previous relationships and a couple years ago married. She has a young daughter, and is 8 months pg to DH.
I find out today he has hit her, and has since given her 7 year old boy a hiding of a lifetime.
The fathers of the other kids are un-contactable. Even if she wanted to leave she has no-where to go. She has no family and my house is full to bursting.

Apart from the usual "leave the bastard" speach I don't know what else to say.

She is worried about the other kids when she goes to have the baby. I can only do so much to help as she lives some distance away.

I know she won't leave the house, but how do you kick out someone who is twice your size?

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 29/07/2007 21:56

oh dear . Suggest she speak to Women's Aid, and/or a solicitor?

madamez · 29/07/2007 21:59

SOmeone will hopefully be along with the right phone numbers for Refuge, etc. She could also ring the police and get the man removed from the house as he has assaulted her AND a 7 year old child. Do you know who's name hte house is in, or if it's rented, bought etc? Even if it all belongs to him, violent men can be temporarily removed from their homes if they are endangering the children whose home it also is, which sounds to be the case here.

Tortington · 29/07/2007 22:02

does she own the house? does he? is it rented?

next time he does it she should obviously call the police. then once a police record is established it will help her no end .

Tortington · 29/07/2007 22:02

she could go to council tomorrow. tell them there is a domestic violence situation and be put in a refuge or bedsit straight away

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2007 22:09

Refuge's website is www.refuge.org.uk

Their phone number is 0808 2000 247 (open 24 hours a day)

Original poster
elfinblast · 29/07/2007 22:22

Thanks.
I think she will consider phoning the police.

I'm fairly sure she'd not be up for contacting any of the womens aid places. She is a very private person, and even though we've been friends for ever I know it will of taken a huge effort even to tell me.

The house is theirs (with mortgage) but I can't be sure if her name is on it, as she had some financial bother which meant she couldn't get any loans etc.

I'm going to have a look at refuge myself to see if I can find a way to persuade her to get some sort of help.

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/07/2007 00:31

is she married to him?

i dont know if this applies to partners but she could have a right to stay under marital law.

she desperatley needs tosee a solicitor.

what you can do is tell her to be fully appraised of whats on offer out there to help her SHOULD it come to it in the future - the decision is hers after all.

so perhaps if you could accompany her to see a solicior and get her to work out what benefits she is entitled to on
www.entitledto .com

tell her it doesn't mean that she has to leave him if she doesn't want to - but better have the information becuase the chances are when she wants to it will be a case of doing it double quick.

what i am trying to say is - just be there without any judgement becuase if she feels mortally embarrassed -- chances are she will cut you off and end up even more isolated - sounds like you are a great friend

controlfreakyflitwick · 30/07/2007 00:36

what does she say about what her "d"h did to her ds??
he needs her to act to put his interests first and to protect him from further physical abuse..... by not acting she is failing to protect him. she is clearly in a difficult situation and vulnerable.... but he is more so.
please try to persuade her to seek legal advice / report what he did to the police (who will inform social services who are likely to help her remove him) / leave for a refuge with the dcs...

Original poster
elfinblast · 30/07/2007 09:31

Yes, they are married.

I believe her eldest son has visible injuries (as opposed to those you can cover with clothes).

I need to go and see her and the kids later, just to see how bad things are. I might try and speak to a neighbour too. Trouble is she lives in a detatched house, so it's not like they can hear what is going on so much.

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/07/2007 11:31

she needs a solicitor - try and cajole her to go to a free session

madamez · 30/07/2007 12:26

You might also, as gently and non-judgmentally as possible, point out that if the child's injuries are visible then someone else might take action such as reporting the family to social services (actually, she could report her tosspot partner to them herself, anonymously and they would definitely intervene). But I'm pretty sure this man can be removed from the house and a restraining order made against him. Because he has been violent to someone else who lives in the house.

Original poster
elfinblast · 01/08/2007 00:41

All advice has been much appreciated.

She cancelled on me yesterday but we caught up today. Her 7 year old has a black eye and 6 year old has what appears to be a bruise in the shape of a naked footprint on his upper back. Luckily he's not touched her daughter or baby.

She does like to be in control, so I've pointed a few things out, and she has said she'll phone the police if it happens again.

Thanks folks!

OP posts:
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