Anyone else struggling with recent separation

[whatevertrever]

I am literally going mad. I ended my relationship with husband in May after a very rocky, difficult 16 year relationship. It was my decision and I know it was the right thing to do. He had an affair and I don't trust him etc. He moved out about 4 weeks ago and now I am a mess. I am boring everyone I know to death and and crying a lot. We have four children together and so we can't be no contact. I feel like I want him back even though it was terrible just to avoid going through these awful emotions. He now says that he was not happy with me and wants to move on anyway. I know he's right but I am still devastated.

Imagine moving to a new city where you know no one. Would you give up after 4 weeks and go back to the place you didn't like living in for 16 years, just because it's all scary? No, you would know it takes time. Time to learn about the new place and time to learn about this new you. Take that time!! As much as you need.
Feeling sad is normal. Do you have some free time where you could do something new? start a new hobby? When i went through all this i found going places where i met new people who didn't know my past really nice, as I didn't feel (imagine!) people were judging me.

Lovely, I’m 3 years down the same line. I’m on a beach, abroad, having my yearly mother daughter holiday. The guy who rents the sun lounges asked if I left my husband to fend for himself, I had to think for a second: husband? What husband? Why would I have a husband?
I completely forgot he existed.
You will too.
Big hugs, be kind to yourself.

Yep...... 8 days in now. Crying pretty much all last week. I ended it. Haven't cried for a couple of days. Ups and downs. Times of 'Have I dont the right thing?' Times worried and scared about being alone. trying to adapt to a whole new way of living/routine. Hellish on every level. But I will not go back to him because I was unhappy and sick of his nastiness when drinking. I reached the end of my rope. I have sat thinking about all the happy times and is good points and wondering if I was too hasty but I only need to call up my friend who witnessed one of his many aggressive episodes and he will remind me what a cunt he was and how shocking it was to witness........ hang in there. It;s bloody hard but time WILL do it';s thing. I'm counting on it.

Replace on memories with new ones and before you know it, your ex will be just that: a memory.

I promise you it will get better. X

Yes found out 30/6 my husband has been having a 18 month affair with a work colleague. I was okay up until this past weekend, now I’m a mess. I found out he stayed with her at the weekend. I’ve had his dad on the phone, kind of defending him, so I’ve had to tell him to contact his grandchildren directly. I miss him and hate him all at the same time. I don’t have to facilitate contact because of their ages but we will need to talk about finances. I have to fight the urge to message him, that’s what’s killing me, not being able to chat to him.

Stilllearning1 That is such a brilliant way to look at it. You are so right. Thank you

@Mylifestartstoday
Totally get what you mean. I drunk called mine last week..... I was pitiful and so mad at myself the next day. Just missed talking to him.

@Anewbook. It’s this time of night I feel the need to speak to him, even though he’s being a tw@t. When he does message he only answers the things he wants to. Tells the girls they won’t be homeless, they’ll always have a roof over their heads, then tells me he’s seeing his solicitor because I’ve had to claim benefits and he needs to check what my financial obligation is to him!

When I ended a relationship that wasn't good for me, I found I missed the random texts and funny stuff he'd send me almost more than I missed seeing him! also hard not to text him about things that happened. Had to remind myself "he's not in my life any more, and with good reason"

@Queen. Yes it’s the daft stuff, telling him what we’d been up to, sending photos of the dogs being naughty. It’s killing me. The house is a lot calmer without him because living a double life is stressful (so I’ve been told) and he was miserable a lot of the time. Even the children have said it’s nicer, but I still miss him. 20 years, and he tells me he wishes he’d never married me. It’s breaking me.

@Mylifestartstoday that's just a bollocks thing he came out with, probably in anger. Pay no heed.

@Mylifestartstoday they always rewrite your history together. Please don’t listen, it’s no good for your self esteem, plus it’s bullshit.

Seasidepebbles I know I will get there eventually and be happier for it. I can't wait till the day I can say 'I haven't thought about him all day'.

Anewbooknotanewchapter My ex also was a very nasty drunk and has a drug problem. He has put me through so much shit and lies. But yet I miss the very rare nice moments. I can't understand it.

I was phoning him today crying, and he clearly doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. He is enjoying shagging every woman he can get his hands on while I am at home. Story of my marriage really!! So I should just be relieved!

I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so jealous and hurt at being replaced so easily. I am considering online dating and joining meet ups to take my mind off it all. Although I am scared that online dating will be another horrible experience that I am not able to cope with.

@whatevertrever I know exactly how you feel. I feel washed up at 51. I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through this. My children, teenagers, don’t want to see him but then that means he gets to swan around living his new life. I want him to have to do some school runs, make his working life more difficult. My youngest was poorly yesterday and a friend said I should message him to tell him so he can’t use it against me. He didn’t even message her asking if she is feeling any better. How can men just walk away so easily, and we’re left holding everything together.

Mylifestartstoday I feel really resentful about that too! My X is out every night with a new hook up or in the pub etc! So I have joined Meetup and am going to loads of nights out on my own. I will not sit at home any more. He does fuck all parenting or financially. But I know deep down he feels terrible that he has a shit relationship with his amazing kids. And they are amazing because of me-nothing to do with him! It really is his loss.