Am I emotionally avoidant?

[openheart101]

1 years ago I met the guy I'm now dating he was the perfect gent and was everything I was looking for but I was still involved with my toxic ex and was still talking to him and hadn't yet fully broken away so felt I just wasn't ready to move on at the time. We still spoke occasionally and kept in contact throughout that year but I just kept my distance as I knew I wasn't ready to fully leave my ex.

Fast forward to 2 month ago I met up when the guy I dated again and we started seeing each other regularly. Things have moved really fast and we want to same things in life so it feels natural but I feel really smothered! My ex was emotionally avoidant and although I hated the way he made me feel in that relationship I felt I had space to get on with my life as I choose but in this relationship I feel really claustrophobic! He is a very affectionate person always touching and kissing etc and wants to spend every weekend with me but I also like my own space and don't want to spend all weekend with him. I don't have lots of friends so it's not even that weekends I'm really busy sometimes I just like being in my own little world doing my own thing. The strange thing is it was the opposite with my ex I wanted to spend all my time with him but always felt he was never present even when I was with him or he wanted his own space I often felt alone even though I was with him but also had space in my life.

The guy I'm dating has already asked me to be his girlfriend and always talks about the future we can have together which is lovely as we are on the same page with everything we both want in life but he already said about us moving in together in the next few months and said I love you (during sex which I ignored) why do I feel so smothered by all this? Is it because it's to much to soon? This was all I ever wanted from my ex and now I've found it it all seems too much! I'm starting to think maybe I'm the emotional avoidant? I’ve never had a healthy relationship and his man is so honest, caring, loyal and loving so I don’t know how to figure out if he is the problem or if it’s me?

Anyone?

It's not you. I'd hate to feel smothered like this.
It's all part of the 'love bombing' - google it!
Yes it's too much too soon.

I like my space and I like seeing friends and family at weekends.
Something my Ex couldn't handle.
I told him that they were here way before he was and that they had seen me through some serious shit and they would always be my priority.
He decided he could 'live with that' but it was too late for me.
Bye bye.
I've been very happily single for well over a year now and I love it.

I think you need to tell him to slow it all right down.
That you want to spend at least 1 weekend in 3 (or 4 or whatever) on your own or doing your own thing without any crap from him.
That you will not be moving in with anybody any time soon.
Tell him you are feeling smothered and he needs to back off a bit.
See what he says to that.

It does all seem too much at the moment. I have told him we need to slow things down but then nothing changes and then I feel pressured into spending time with him or having lie and make up excuse that I’m doing something with family or friends to spend some time on my own it’s all getting very draining. I do really like him and want to spend time with him just not alllll weekend!

Then once he’s at my house I can’t get him to leave!

You might be avoidant, who knows? But that's really besides the point, because he does sound incredibly smothering, and, perhaps, as someone who has avoidant tendencies, what suits you better is some more space.

The problem with the term 'avoidant' is that it can become pathologised to the point where being avoidant is somehow wrong all the time. Maybe it's also just a way to explain how you are, and what you need - and, perhaps more significantly here, what you don't want?

Just because he's not your ex, it doesn't mean he's right for you. Just because he appears to be the opposite, it doesn't mean that's what's going to suit you better. There are many permutations of togetherness, and it sounds like you've experienced two that are at opposing ends of the spectrum.

What about togetherness and intimacy that also offers you space and freedom to be (by) yourself? Maybe it's just that you haven't found that yet. Please don't settle because you think you're defective in some way. What you are is a singular person in circumstances that just aren't working for you.