Am I right to wait or should I settle and accept that spark is a thing of the past?

[Moneybags2000]

I’ve lived with someone (ended when his job took him overseas). I’ve since been with someone I really fell for but left him when he became abusive (extremely critical of me). I have no regrets ending either of these relationships and the first one I have good memories of.

I’m now in my 30s and been dating around a year. In that time I’ve met one person I liked a lot. He gave mixed messages and would take a week or so to reply sometimes, so I shut that down and moved on. I’ve met some really nice men too, but not felt that real spark. I don’t want to be alone and I want children and a future with someone. I can’t sleep sometimes because I’m so sad and worried I will never meet someone.

Do you have to settle at some point if you want all this? I never have settled before but then those relationships ended anyway. I love my life as it is but just feel like love won’t happen for me even if a relationship can. What I mean is, should i wait for a spark or is that a thing of the past? Perhaps the spark is a younger age thing?!

Wait for the spark. Settling rarely ends well. No relationship is better than a bad one, and I don't recommend separation and divorce, especially once dc are involved.

Why would you NOT wait for the spark? Settling is such a terrible idea. You are worth so much more

Absolutely wait for the spark. You will find it again.

I found it 3 times in my twenties. Not once in my thirties... maybe I’m being unrealistic?

And as for why I wouldn’t wait.., I want a family

Don't settle. I did exactly that and ended up divorced. Wouldn't be without my daughter but no way would I make the same decision if I had my time again.

Having been married twice and had numerous failed relationships all of which started with a spark I'm looking for something very different now i.e hard workers, loyal, working, I don't care if there is a spark or not as long as they are reliable hard workers.
Not interested in charming plonkers any more.

Don’t settle - but remember the spark can grow too. I knew my current boyfriend for 20 years without fancying him at all (ie no spark) - now we are together there is fucking loads of spark! That’s an extreme example, but I was wondering, how much time do you give the men you date before deciding there is no spark?

Possibly I am over identifying here and you don’t do this, but my close friend is in a similar position to you - and she has dates with loads of gorgeous blokes, who on paper she has a lot in common with, but bins them off after one or two dates because she decides there is no spark. But my advice to her (which she ignores - fair enough!) is to give them a bit more of a chance, see them a few more times, because I do believe the spark isn’t always instant.

I definitely write people off about two dates if no spark. Is that too soon?! The problem is that in the past if there’s been a spark it’s been there almost from the first time we met if not soon after. There’s someone I am dating at the moment that is funnier each time we have met (twice) but most of all is a very respectful and kind person. I am used to a LOT of spark and kindness here and there/effort to be kind but a lot of messing up.

I wonder (and I have no evidence for this apart from my own experience and that of my friends) whether it is easier to be instantly attracted to people when we are younger, and when we are older it takes longer to develop?
Certainly, with my current boyfriend, we were friends for years and I didn’t fancy him AT ALL until one night we got very drunk and slept together (I am NOT recommending you do this with lots of men to see if there is a spark, by the way - not unless you want to.....) After that, the spark grew very rapidly, and now I would pretty much eat him for breakfast......
If I find myself single again, I have kind of decided I won’t be too fussy in the first instance, but will date blokes I don’t find that attractive, but like, as I now know that attraction can really grow.... This wasn’t something I’d experienced before, but then I’d been married for 10 years (current boyfriend was the first man I slept with since my divorce - I was about to start internet dating but hadn’t quite got to that point.....)

That’s really interesting and helpful! Thank you. I will carry on seeing this one then, see what happens. I seem to get all embarrassed about intimacy these days (until I’ve DTD!). When I was younger I would go in for the kiss straight away! Haha

I refused to settle for anything less than spark. By time I was 29 I was thinking I just want to settle down.
So got wiht a guy who on paper was good. Nice family, good job and lovely personality.
I couldn't carry on with it. It felt horrible being intimate with someone I didn't fancy.
I met my now husband a week after ending the relationship with non spark guy and he just blew me away. We were married within 5 months and years down line still very sparky and happy.
I'd rather be without than with no spark and forcing myself.

Never forget about the spark.

The thing with a spark in your early 20s is that when you're in your early 20s, you're not as experienced in picking out red flags in the beginning. I think you're more willing to see past the obvious flaws and attempt to work on them. Which isnt the right approach.

When I got to the latter end of my 20s, I stopped settling, stopped 'seeing past the flaws' and listened to my gut. Sometimes my hormones would take over a bit more and I'd learn a harsh lesson but overall, I was quicker to dismiss those who showed things that made me uncomfortable or said things that were a bit odd.

That refusal to compromise led me to my OH... I never had sparks like that with anyone else. It was just constant fireworks from the second I got into his car to the end of the date. It continued for months and is still there (albeit hidden under the stress of parenthood now).
We have a DS together and our family is wonderful (well, it is to me anyway 😂).

Look for that amazing spark. Don't waste your time on average or alright. Don't actively seek it out or anything, just be patient. Be your lovely self and enjoy yourself.

I do think it’s worth reading about attachment theory. Sometimes Spark is spark. But sometimes what we think of as spark is an unhealthy feeling that stems from insecurity and anxiety

Yep op it might be that your own patterns from childhood and family have given you an unhealthy attachment pattern. So what you see as a bit dull is actually a happy safe committed man. And what you see as spark is a twat in disguise !!

Oliver James books are good on attachment and family patterns

The spark doesn't always take the same form (it can be that sexual passionate one or like with my DP an extreme personality click). But never settle for a nice but boring match.

Also I didn't recognise that I fancied DP until about a month into knowing each other. We've been together 6 years now and he feels like the other half of my soul. I tried to set him up with someone else

Well I like this man more on our second meeting. I find him attractive a bit but then I never fancy people physically from the outset anyway so that’s not unusual.

Not sure how long to wait...!

I think you definitely need to give people longer in your 30s than in your 20s.

I'm even older than that and it's rare to fancy someone on a first meeting nowadays. But it can develop over time as you find yourself attracted to aspects of their personality.

I don't know how long to suggest. I would have thought you'd know within 3-4 meetings whether there's potential or whether they repulse you!

Thank you xx

I had sparks in my twenties with men and the relationships all failed.

My amazing dp didn't give me fanny gallops or sparks when I first met him. I fell in love with him and fancied him when I got to know him. However, I loved being in his company from day 1. It wasnt a chore, he didn't make me cringe, I just grew to fancy him the more I fell in love with him.

I'm now in the most solid relationship I've ever had. He's my favourite person to be with and we're really good company together. We don't have the most amazing sex life, it's a once a week decent shag but I'd rather that then the amazing shags but shit boyfriends that I had a spark with in my 20s.

My dp is loyal, honest, trustworthy, reliable, funny and helpful man I've ever been with. We both met at a time when we had been single for a few years and felt ready for a relationship. It wasn't rushed, but I was never hidden away and met his dsis and friends the 3rd time I saw him. He let's me be me and loves me for who I am. I worried about the lack of sparks for a good six months but went with it anyway and couldn't be happier now.

madcatladyforever - what you are describing is a sheepdog, not a person..

I agree it can take longer as you get older, with DP I didn't fancy him at all at first sight but I felt comfortable with him immediately, the spark came on date two and grew. When you're older and have responsibilities starting a relationship is very different than when you're in your 20s.

I think, as hellodarkness says, give it 4 dates at least (providing you like the man and he seems nice, obviously).
And (I’ve said it twice now, but I’ll say it again) I didn’t fancy my boyfriend at all until I (drunkenly) slept with him. Now I utterly crave him! I honestly have that thing where I look at him and think, oh my God! You are so beautiful! And you are ALL MINE!!! I could just gobble him up. He’s just an ordinary looking older guy I think, so it’s physical and intellectual compatibility and (over time) love that creates that feeling, I’m certain. Not sure what you should do with that advice though, given that you probably don’t want to shag every eligible guy you meet (tho if you do, no judgement here......)