My sex life makes me so sad

[Cherryblossomgirl1]

Just that really. We’ve been together almost 20 y, married 9y, 2 kids 3y, 8y. Sex has been getting progressively worse and less frequent and rarely enjoyable for me. I just feel so uncomfortable. He attempts some foreplay (after me saying many times going straight in without any ground work doesn’t work for me) but it hurts so much when he masturbates me that I pull his hand away. I tell him you need to cut your nails as you are hurting me and he get grumpy and says “you always say that”. He often ends up on top facing away from me just shagging me - no affection no connection. I ask why don’t you look at me and he says because he doesn’t want to be breathing on me (ie suggests he’s trying to spare me....). He also v rarely gives oral despite me asking (I asked for my birthday and got it 6 months after :-()

Is it normal for it to hurt when your partner masturbates you? Is it normal for them to look away whilst having sex?

Also he has a thing on weekend mornings when kids are downstairs of prodding my bumhole with his penis (not all the way in - I’m sorry if tmi) despite me telling him I don’t really like this esp when kids awake. He does prefer anal and we used to do it quite a lot (his preference) but we don’t do it much now as I don’t want to.

You do sound like you're no compatible at the moment. He sounds lazy and selfish in bed and that's horrible. My ex husband got progressively lazier and sexy became functional and purely suited him. Eventually I didn't want to have sexual with him at all any more! I think you need to have a very frank conversation about things with him. And maybe a night away where you get to devote the whole time to pleasing each other. Do you have mutual kinks that you can go back to exploring?

Oh dear! Where to start?

What was he like before you were married?

Are you still attracted to him?

You need to have a long, frank and relaxed discussion, it’s almost as if you are on different planets.

Cut nails: This has to be a condition on moving forward.

No oral: What? I would expect oral more ir less every time before or after penetrative sex with some oral only sessions thrown in to the equation.

Stimulation: show him how to stimulate you properly, the clitoris is the prime female sex organ, he needs to understand it and what to do with it. Asking him to cut to the chase is not going to help here.

Why is he so oaranoid about his breath? Did something happen.

Anal/semi anal: Some couples go for it and enjoy, others don’t. But you should not be doing what you are not comfortable with. It requires communication and everything else which you currently do not have.

I am going to get shot down in flames here, but l think all this is sufficient grounds for you to look elsewhere. You have needs.

Porn actually shows quite rough stimulation of the vagina many times.
Tbh I would be taking his hand, and show him what you want and say “gently”. Make it sensual and encouraging. Hopefully he will get the message.
If he doesn’t hear what you have to say about the things you enjoy then he is affirming that he doesn’t care about your feelings and what makes sex good for you.

It sounds as if you need lube in your life. Lots of it, and for him never to touch you without it. get a big pot from lovehoney. Could you do an order together and talk about sex that way?

Can you find some positive ways to phrase things? it sounds like you've tried so often you've got fed up of being tactful. Certainly after 15 years of gently saying/showing 'ooh I love it when you touch me with wet fingers' I got pretty fucking fed up of saying it, though I never said 'stop putting dry fingers in me it hurts'.

Following with interest because I’m in the same boat

When someone shows you who he is - believe him.
This man is showing you that he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t love you, and doesn’t give a shit about your sexual pleasure as long as he gets what HE wants.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Personally, I’d be delivering an ultimatum- he either treats you with consideration, love and respect in bed, or the marriage is over.

If you "always say that", why the fuck isn't he listening and learning from it?! Prick.

Christ this sounds depressing.

The only way to sort a bad sex life is through communication - but it doesn't particularly sound like he wants to listen.

How is the relationship outside of the bedroom? Can you start there to rebuild bonds?

Counselling maybe? It doesn’t sound like he is listening or engaging and it doesn’t sound like you can be bothered explaining to him. Maybe if you had someone there to moderate the conversation it might go better?

I would really hate this. It sounds as if he's DTD with someone else in his head - a woman who enjoys rough manual stimulation, who welcomes anal, who likes his sharp nails.

The reason he looks away is likely because he's fantasising about someone else.

I'd be inclined to tell him that unless he starts making sex pleasurable for you you're going to go on a sex strike. Be blunt. He needs to know how unhappy you are. And why.

Sounds like the two of you need to make time for one another.
You have busy lives with your children, could you arrange a date night once a week? Spend some time reconnecting, and then maybe more passionate sex will follow.
Talk to him about what you do like. What do you do for him that he enjoys? You both need to work together on this.

My exh was unwilling /unfamiliar with the female body. Liked sex in non facing positions.
Def didn't do oral.
After I left him he met someone and had an affair..
My landlord Keith...

Sounds like neither of you are particularly excited and going through the motions at best.

This won’t get better without intervention of some sort

Just reread the read including my own post which has several typos! Apologies but it was super early. My concern here is that he is unwilling to change his behaviour despite you asking many times. That may be indicative of a bigger problem. Is he selfish generally? The persistent anal thing bothers me the most as that's verging on being really sexually aggressive. Communication is key here!!!

This is awful OP I thought I was the only one. My ex was constantly poking around with long dirty fingernails. It was disgusting and painful. You should only have to tell somebody once not to do this!!! In the end I refused to have sex with him and we are divorced.

A guy I saw for a few months was very similar (without the long fingernails). I am used to men loving the female parts of my body but he didn't even use to touch my boobs. I really liked him so enjoyed it but know that if we had lasted much longer, it would have been a big issue. I did wonder if he was gay (and was so tempted to ask his ex if he was like that with her too haha)

Never been a fan of the 'fingering' feels very juvenile and since after children just makes me feel like I'm at the doctors 😂🙈