Same argument over and over

[Notsureabouthis]

Just had it again. We’re on holiday somewhere hot.

I come out to the pool and my daughter is in the pool with no sunscreen on. Husband is on his phone. I get annoyed at being the sunscreen police (a recurring theme! ) and he said she’d some on her face. Well she did but 3 hours ago and we’ve been snorkelling since!

I probably spoke quite sharply due to frustration. I can’t remember what I said but there were no insults as even when I’m annoyed I try not to get personal!

Anyway he was pissed off that I’d spoken to him in a “disrespectful” tone, no apology (never is until we’ve argued for 10 minutes!) and said I was shouting (I definitely wasn’t) and called me stroppy.

We always seem to have the same argument which starts with me criticising him over something:anything and him going what I feel is OTT in response, never an apology or any accepting blame until we’ve argued and argued, then he’ll say sorry by which point we’ve had a massive row.

I feel I can’t say anything remotely critical to him. He is very sensitive I feel.

Help! Everything else is fine in our relationship and he is kind, funny, good with the kids so I want to fix this.

Our families are quite different - mine more vocal/open about their feelings. His less so which I feel may be something to do with it.

We’ve been married about 18 years but this has got worse over the last few years.

I think if you are sensitive to criticism as your dh is, then speaking sharply to him when you run out and see the sunscreen incident probably isn't helping :) though I can understand if you have totally different communication styles why this is happening.

Have you ever done any communication courses? I did one at work which really changed the way I talked to people. Ultimately both of you only need to nudge a bit. You probably need to count to 10 before you speak and he probably needs to count to 10 before he gets offended!

There are ways you talk which make the other person feel less blamed. For example I used to say 'you make me feel like this' which totally blames the person for my feelings rather than saying 'I feel like this when this situation occurs' which is far less confrontational.

So in the sunscreen incident, rather than saying 'dh why didn't you put sunscreen on' you could say 'oh has it now been 3 hours since we last put it on DD?' or something like that...

Omg. This is me completely. Something frustratedw me. I snap (to vent more than anything... I know I know it's not good) then oh goes well over the top never apologises.... Last time he ranted for an hour....

I agree it's completely a communication problem but why do I need to always think about sunscreen hats extra clothes and all the extra shit? I think he genuinely feels hard done by....

How old is your daughter? If she is very young then your husband is an arse.
You can't say anything critical to him because he is a bloke - you have to say it in a way that doesn't sound critical.
There are books and websites that explain it better than I can.

@DaffoDeffo I think the 10 second thing is a good idea. I definitely fly off the handle quicker than him but when he feels under attack I think he’s a lot more personal and wounding than I was to start.

I do find the inability to apologise maddening. I was always brought up to apologise when I was in the wrong whereas I feel he’ll say it in the end but not until it’s been forced out of him. He does show he’s sorry by his actions but the word seems hard to say - he’ll say of course you know I’m sorry. And I’ll be like well you haven’t actually said it!

Another example on the holiday was he didn’t bring a splitter lead that meant the kids couldn’t listen to the same audio book. I’d loaded one of the phones with loads of audio books assuming they would both listen to the same one as they’ve done on previous holidays. Not having the lead splitter meant a headache of trying to download and pay for books on crappy WiFi. So annoying as I’ve spent ages packing and organising for the holiday and his one main job was chargers and headphones! Again no apology but defensiveness.

@MikeUniformMike daughter is 12 so old enough to do her own sunscreen but really annoying about it. Olive skin and vainly likes a tan so needs to be told to put it on!

honestly blowing up over a 12 year old not wearing sunscreen while swimming and a splitter lead being forgotten does sound like you're making mountains out of molehills here

maybe I'm wrong, but try letting a few more things go, and he won't be walking on eggshells so much, worrying that he's going to set you off all the time

Thanks for answering. Unfortunately, you need to double check everything when it comes to packing.
If you have sons, train them to be responsible, but their role model will be their father.
Sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy.

This sounds similar to my relationship and apparently it's my fault because I 'moan all of the time.' Whenever I get slightly angry at my OH for failing to do something obvious because he's too lazy to do it - always causes a huge argument in the end and my OH will never apologise so at least yours will OP. I think sometimes people see apologising as a sign of weakness Well I think mine does anyway.