Married, then separated, now getting on great BUT...

[Dillydoun]

...We're getting on great since we agreed to separate but we're not having sx at all...our sx life wasn't good while we were married either. We're in separate bedrooms but we still go out for dinner, watch TV together, cook for one another, wake each other up etc. It's become clear that we need each other BUT...

We had an awful time of it before we agreed to separate. I felt taken for granted, unheard and I got tired of H's temper. There was so much conflict and crying. I felt like I couldn't get angry because he was always the angry one. H felt like I was 'too much to take,' emotionally needy and all in all, it wasn't going well.

So, where the hell do we go from here?

The reason we're still living together is that I cannot move out until I find somewhere to live, which is taking quite a while (crazy housing situation where we live), so it could be another few months...

I'm afraid I'll go back on the decision to separate (he wants to 'work on things') and I'll slip in to a childless, sex-less 'marriage' and look back on this when I'm 80 and think WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

I'd really appreciate your experience, advice, thoughts or whatever you've got!

What’s his view on the lack of sex?

He never had a particularly high sex drive, compared to other men I had been with. He would like to do it sometimes all right; whereas I just don't have any desire for it or him anymore. He's very attractive, so it's not that.

We've pretty much gotten in to the habit of not doing it. We were trying for a baby for a while, so we did it then but sex was always problematic from the start of our relationship a long time ago.

How old are you? How long together?

I think staying with an angry man who doesn't "get" you and you don't find attractive isn't a good choice.

It seems to be all about his emotions and now that there are no demands on him it's fine. If you had children that would change.Most couples struggle post children but have a better foundation to start with.

I understand it's easy to drop back into a pattern but if there are no children you are better to go now. It will definitely not get better in it's own.

It seems to me like you’re getting on well now because he has exactly the relationship he’d like - no conflict, no emotional demands, no pressure to have sex with you, but all the companionship, help in the house etc. He has absolutely zero incentive to offer you anything else so you’re absolutely right to think if you stay, you've already set the scene for the whole rest of your life. Why would he step anything up when it’s exactly how he wants it to be right now? You however clearly want more from life and you’re not going to get it in this scenario.

He wants free household and emotional labour from you.

He's not romantically interested, perhaps not capable of it. Women used to call these ones a "coldfish". With no reciprocity, you'll be drained dry...then these types tend to walk away - because you're all used up. Like a Kleenex.

You're young, go get one that's not broken.

Thanks ladies. All very true. It's amazing how ye nailed so much there. Well, we're together on and off for over 12 years...in our late 30s...it's scary to imagine starting all over again...

He's not a scary man but he flies off the handle easily which is simply tiresome more than anything else!

I think ye are right though about why things are easier: it's because he's having no demands made on him. There is little romance in this relationship.

How the hell do I start all over again though? I'm a classic extrovert. I love company and I think it'd be pretty damn lonely.

In case I didn't make it clear, he would happily have sex occasionally now but I'm the one who no longer wants to. We've lost almost all chemistry in that regard but there's a strong friendship there. Somehow, he still wants to stay married though. I just hope I can have the strength and independence to actually make the break when the right accommodation comes up.

Do you actually want children?

I’d love children with the right man. I just want to be happy.

So, What do you think of the situation @Indigo2019??

He's just after very occasional sex for intermittent reinforcement towards you (keep you hooked) and probably a little bit of ego boost for himself (to tell himself he's a "normal bloke").

You aren't interested anymore because there's little that's less attractive to a normal person than sex with someone who has no interest in sex with you.

I bet you want it again when you're back "out in the world".

Well maybe ... he just doesn’t have a very high sex drive & never has but I’ve always known he was attracted to me. That was always clear. I’m the one who has lost all interest. I told him I had no desire anymore because of all the temper and anger. It’s like too much damage has been done to get that intimate again.

But how do I break free? Honestly I have felt so lonely and sad. We are seeing a counselor and she’s trying to help us ‘uncouple’ but it’s a slow process since we are living together. I’m so scared.

P.S. I agree. I’ll definitely want sex again when I’m single and I wish I could just fast forward to that time. It’s going to be a long time away because we are married...

You see legal advice, then with that advice, move out and initiate divorce.

Unreasonable behaviour will makes for a faster divorce, if thata what you need to begin dating (and get on with your life) again.

Thanks. I’ve arranged for mediation for the two of us, so we’re on a waiting list.

It’s just crappy because there’s a lot of good there too. We had a blazing row when he came home tonight (he hates that I leave the dishes draining & don’t put them away), but once we got over that, we went out for a nice dinner and had a nice relaxing dinner.

I’m really afraid I won’t do any better if I leave him.

Careful OP that you don't allow yourself to drift back into a childless, sex-less 'marriage'
just because your current situation may be less frightening than being on your own for a while ..

I’m really afraid I won’t do any better if I leave him.

Also the lines are really blurred around your relationship at the moment (understandably).

We had a blazing row when he came home tonight (he hates that I leave the dishes draining & don’t put them away), but once we got over that, we went out for a nice dinner and had a nice relaxing dinner.
How is this acceptable to you?

But how do I break free?
Perhaps you need to give each other a bit more space emotionally and start the 'uncoupling' by living completely separate lives under the same roof and treating each other as housemates more? You go out and have fun with your friends more perhaps? Spend some weekends away from him?

You are already in separate bedrooms so also separate laundry, social life, finances as far as possible etc.

No sex, moaning about the dishes and being taken for granted?

All the worst things about a bad marriage with none of the best things about a good one. Yuk.

Sounds like my first marriage. If it helps I'm very happily married to a lovely man I met in my 30s.

It doesn’t sound like you are separated. Other than sleeping in seperate rooms( a lot of happily married couples do this) you are having by your own description, a pretty normal marriage, going out for dinner together etc. This happened to me with an ex in a de facto relationship- my ex didn’t think I wanted to leave despite the seperate bedrooms and we fell into the same pattern we had already been in, and this reinforced to ex I didn’t really want to go. In the end physically separating was the only way to get the distance we (I) needed to realise I was so so much happier without him! Even if you went the opposite way and decided you did actually want to work on it, being in such close proximity and carrying on a pseudo relationship won’t give you the headspace to work that out.

Why did you go out to dinner together?

You are not acting as if you're separated. You're acting like your average couple in a joyless, sexless marriage.

There are lots of good reasons to try to save a marriage, but fear of the unknown is not one.

Separate your life from his at the very least.

And get the ball rolling on the divorce - everything you have said is excuses to stay, not reasons to try to save the relationship.

Being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship - or this twilight zone where he still gets to argue with you, and have all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitments.

Thanks for everything ye wrote. It’s very true & helpful. We had our final session with the marriage therapist today (can’t afford more) and she said that we need to behave separately like housemates and then H said he wants to work on things. That makes it much harder. Every time we have a fight he agrees we should separate & when we make up, he thinks we should stay together.

I didn’t know this would be so hard.

As for why I went for dinner, I was hungry & wanted to get out of the house! All of my friends are married with kids; so my social life is all ‘meeting for coffee.’ It’s true though. It shouldn’t be acceptable. I keep having to remind myself I deserve better but then I worry that I won’t do any better.

It’s all about what he wants and what he thinks, isn’t it? What about what you want or you think?

Thanks. Yeah I know I can be quite affected by his feelings but as the therapist bluntly pointed out, I make my own decisions and I can’t blame him.

I just feel like I’ve gotten in so deep now I really don’t know how I’ll claw my way out.

Could anyone who has been through a separation or divorce give me some advice, please?

I read a lot on Mumsnet about people leaving these awful, abusive exes who they hate. I don't hate my H. Yes, some of his behaviour is out of line but that tends to be the way in relationships that aren't working well.

How do you do this? I feel like I'll be starting all over again and I'll have nothing if I leave him. I know I'll have my job and I have all my married friends who love to meet for 'catch-ups' (sorry for the bitter tone!) but it just feels like a major step back.

Please let me know how you/ye/your friend/your relative did this. I wish I knew a divorced person to even talk to. The key is I don't hate him but it hasn't been good but it's been better since we separated. Now he wants to stay together!

Most separated and divorced people don't "hate" each other. A lack of hate isn't a reason to stay together. A "blazing row" - initiated by his anger at you leaving dishes to drip dry so fucking what, why doesnt he just put them away - is a reason to permanently separate. He is not coparenting or life partner material. To the left. Next!