Dating a man with a newborn baby

[RLEOM]

I'm trying to understand my situation.

My daughter's dad had a female best friend. I'd met her once throughout our 18 month relationship.

Once our baby was born, she was round every weekend, would stay until 11pm/12. She'd make the odd snidy comment at me but I'd let it slip. Turns out she was in love with my ex and was trying to get with him throughout the first 3 months of our daughter's life.

I had post natal depression and left when DD was 3 months (I should've just asked for space instead of leaving but my head was a mess). He didn't try and stop me. I'm sure he was heartbroken but refused to talk about it.

After that, she was with him all the time and now, 3 months later, they're an item and he is the absent dad he never wanted to be.

I still can't comprehend what kind of person chooses to get with someone when they'd just had a baby? She's had years to get with him, so why did she choose to make a move when we were settling down into family life?

The answer is, "not a very nice person". Some people, especially those with low self-esteem and unresolved anger with the world, feel their ego inflated by taking from others. They could get a partner, but getting one with a girlfriend and a baby is so much more flattering to them, and plays into their sense of entitlement, that they deserve to have this, no matter the cost. So whilst "winning" your ex when he was reasonably available would be one thing, it suddenly becomes so much more desirable when you can "take them away" from something they would usually be hugely attached to - their partner and new baby. Makes that person feel waaaay more special. It's pretty sad really.

That's my armchair psychology for the afternoon :)

Your ex is as much if not more to blame in that situation. He should have nipped it in the bud.

Why is it all her fault? He encouraged her, and more, behind your back when you were vulnerable. He is being the absent dad he has chosen to be. Neither are covering themselves in glory.

OP didn't say it was all her fault? I didn't read it that she was blaming this woman in place of her ex, just that she was trying to understand what sort of person could do that. I do think it's healthy to find a story in your own mind for what's happened to you, but obviously not to place blame unilaterally on one person, or to dwell on it long after the fact. But I think we're all driven to try and understand the things we go through in life, and to ask ourselves what sort of person does those things. And those answers help us recognise those people when we come across them again in life.

Did you leave with the baby or is the baby with him?

Really it’s both their faults! I had a similar thing happen except she was my friend too of 6 years we were all living together while she searched for a house to buy, around my DDs first birthday they slept together several times while I was at my mums visiting. They continued being disgusting when I came back she even sent him photos of her vagina while I was in the next room bfing my daughter.

It’s taken me a while to realize that it’s both their faults and that people are capable of being incredibly selfish not caring who they hurt. My ex isn’t with her but she lives in the same town with her new bf and has bought a flat etc so no karma for her which stings.

I actually find it worse getting with someone who has a woman’s pregnant but lots of women seem to do it so 🤷‍♀️

Some women have no self-esteem. She didn’t and neither did you - there must have been problems before you got pregnant they just got amplified afterwards. Forget them now and work on you.

Maybe you didn't know him that well if you got pregnant nine months after meeting him? Some people are good at putting on a good show at the beginning of a relationship.

@Indigo2019 baby is with me. He has her EOW.

@crankyassnoperope I think she saw us in a vulnerable position (sleepless nights and adjusting to a newborn put a strain on our relationship - not sure if that's normal?) and thought she'd take advantage of that by "being there for him" in the hopes of winning the man she's probably loved for years.

@LIZS I wasn't saying it was all her fault. I'm perplexed as to what would drive someone to try and interfere with a man who already had a gf and a newborn. Surely that's the point where you give up, not try harder?

@Nameisthegame I'm so sorry that happened to you. That must've been heart breaking for you. It just goes to show that you can't trust anyone other than yourself.

@Teddybear45 my self esteem was fine until baby was born. I was confident that I'd found my life partner and believed in his love for me. It wasn't until she was born that my self esteem and mental health went to pot. My body was gross after giving birth - it's taken a long time to improve my figure and to feel confident in myself but I'm nearly there. 😊

@niceupthedanceagain oh, I definitely didn't know him well enough. I'd had multiple early miscarriages for years so "knew" I couldn't have a successful pregnancy without medical help... Turns out I was wrong!

Thanks for the replies. I'm over him and am moving forward nicely, it's this part that I fail to comprehend. I wonder if she's mentally stable enough to be a step mother to my child because I don't think a normal, wholesome person would do this. She comes across as really lovely, meek and mild person, but I don't think she has any morals. She'd often look very smug if he wanted to go out for a coffee with her whilst leaving me at home with baby... imagine how smug she must be feeling now.

Ugh, imagine thinking so little of yourself that it takes "winning" a man to feel good.

He has your nb baby evry other weekend, why? Tbh I suspect it was simmering before and during your relationship, perhaps at fwb level.

@crankyassnoperope she's hardly won anything! It's hardly desirable being with a man who doesn't look after his partner or family. What's funny is she thinks she knows him but she only knows what he wants to show her. Once the novelty wears off and his true colours surface, she might not feel so lucky. He's a nice man but has a porn addiction, is extremely lazy, lies a lot - there's more to him than she realises. After all, it's no coincidence that he now has two "psycho exes", and no doubt she'll soon be the third!

@LIZS I shouldn't have let him have her overnight from 3 months but I did. He was very naive about her, I don't think he realised she liked him, but I did. She wasn't around throughout our relationship as she was dating a man who, funnily enough, looked exactly like my ex!

@RLEOM Thank you xxx it still hurts a year on or 6 months from when I officially found out (had a inkling for ages felt like I was going crazy being gaslighted). It hurts a lot that after they did it they both came and stayed at my mums and complained the whole time....she was my DD godparent 🤦‍♀️

I never thought my ex was capable or that he was to blame but it was my own self worth had fallen so low I thought I was just lucky to be with him hence the inkling that something was happening/happened apparently it was only August to September and me not doing anything for 3 months.

It’s hard to understand the selfishness of people, I think we all kinda think tosome extent that we are good people so when we do something that bad (steal,cheat,not pay child maintenance,not take pets to the vet etc) we sort of gloss over it and convince ourselves it it’s not that bad or that they deserved it etc.

She left her camera here I almost justified to myself that I shouldn’t return it that I deserved to keep it, gave it to her in the end steal a bit bitter about it although I had no right to it even though she bought it to take photos of our days out and her god daughter.

Your ex is using her--he can't be on his own, he is on the rebound and he has a stepmama (who probably does all the work) for his child.

He's a prick and she's a dumb mug. Good riddance!

Once your confidence and esteem are at full strength, you'll be shining.

End of the day she is second choice. A consolation prize as he was dumped so don't feel jealous, nothing more then a toy for entertainment.

The last thing I'd do is get with a man with a new baby. But then, I also wonder about men who get with a pregnant woman.

There's too many other options, than to get involved with all the drama.