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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex's lies! Would you try explain to your in-laws or is there no point?

24 replies

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 10:27

Always got on very well with his parents and they've still been lovely since we split, although I think they hope we'll reconcile.

I've heard through the grapevine (lots of mutual friends) that my ex is claiming he believes I've met someone else and that's why I left him. Absolutely not true, his only reason for thinking this is because I refused to agree to never moving anyone else into the family home if he 'allowed' me to keep it. Not because I've any intention of doing so, but because we're splitting up because he's controlling and I refuse to to let him have any control over me in the future.

I'm not worried about friends, time will show who is telling the truth and who isn't and anyone who believes him, well they aren't my true friends anyway. But I'm going to guess he's telling his family the same thing and I can't decide if I should try explain to his mum in particular. I love them like my own family and they've been so good to me, even since us separating. But she's his mum, is there any point? And if I do, what do I say? How much do I tell her about why we've really separated? They know some bits, but think it's just that he gets a bit jealous. Which is true, but there's more to it than that and I'm guessing he's going to try spin it that he had reason to be jealous all along.

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SandyY2K · 14/07/2019 10:35

Don't bother saying anything, but if there's a way you can slip it into conversation, then I would.

Not so much calling him a liar, but maybe how you welcome and need the time alone and not being in a relationship to gather your thoughts.

Or you could simply say nothing.

AgentJohnson · 14/07/2019 10:41

They will believe what they want to believe, you telling your side of the story is just that, your side. If they ask, set them straight but don’t voluntarily engage in his bullshit.

It will take time but they will soon realise (if they haven’t secretly already) that he’s the common denominator in his stories of woe.

Ex is a shit but his mother is nice but he is her son and her denial runs deep. Every now and again she tries to sell me on his bullshit but I shut her down damn quick by asking her if she wants to hear my version of her poor misunderstood son. She is in denial but she’s smart enough to realise that a discussion with me would poke a big hole in her denial and she doesn’t want that. Her son is the victim and I think she would have a mental break if she didn’t believe his bullshit, even if that belief is superficial.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 10:47

Your both probably right and I shouldn't say anything. It's so annoying though and realistically he's going to be able to move on to someone else much easier than I am and probably will once he knows I'm definitely not having him back.
Yet he's telling it like I've been cheating or at least wanting to. Angry

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contrary13 · 14/07/2019 10:50

I've known my ex since we were first at senior school together - spent most of my teen years around his family, as his parents were far more liberal than most and our group of friends would congregate there after school/college and on a weekend. So my ex's parents have known me since I was 11/12, and his younger siblings grew up before my eyes, pretty much.

Ex and I are now 43. We split 10.5 years ago, when his (unknown-to-me) girlfriend literally gave birth to his child. We have two children - my 23 year old daughter, who isn't his biologically, but whom he helped to raise from early infancy, and a 14 year old son together. We never lived together (my fault because I like my own space, his fault because he didn't want to move out of his "did everything for him" parents' place) but were together. Still having sex, spending time together with both children, talking about growing old together and watching our grandchildren grow up. I had a vague notion maybe 6 months before the split that he was seeing someone else, because he introduced her to our small son. Who told me all about "Daddy's new friend". When I confronted him - and I did, several times, saying "look, if you want to split, just say so... we'll figure it out" - he denounced our son as "a liar" who was just out "to cause trouble" (son was a toddler at this point who - still, to this day - doesn't lie, because his "tells" are just so obvious, it's pointless, really). One day, he took our son out for father/son time - which he did regularly - and then his mother made him call me and tell me "oh, yeah; my girlfriend gave birth to my baby this morning".

He lied to his entire family about our relationship. Said that we'd split a year and a half earlier, that I was causing trouble and trying to prevent him seeing our son, that my daughter's lies (she has severe MH issues) were a big factor... which yes; they were, but I'd done my best to protect my child and him throughout. He said that I was seeing someone else (I wasn't). His younger siblings knew me well enough to call "bullshit", but his parents...?! His grandmother...?!

Of course they believed him and still do to this day. I went from being a part of their family, to them deciding that my daughter and I were both surplus to requirements. And yes; it hurts. But I know that they'll always believe my ex because he's their son/grandson. And that's their problem... because he's a liar who is very devious about honesty. I've done my utmost to facilitate their relationships with both of my children, but they didn't want to see the girl they'd always claimed as their granddaughter, and they're only keen on seeing my son when it suits them - not him (and he's a teenager now, who has better things to do with his time, apparently, than spend it with anyone old enough to be his parent/grandparent).

My advice, OP? Don't waste your energy. They'll believe whatever/whoever they want to... and there'll be nothing you can say or do about it, I'm afraid. Flowers

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 10:57

That's so sad @contrary13. His mum is so lovely, both his parents are. I don't know, I'd like to think they know me and him well enough to know what's true if not. I guess there's nothing I can really do about it though. If they ask I'll tell them my side if it, if not I'll keep quiet and I guess they'll see in time.

I'm already quite quickly seeing where mutual friends loyalties lie and I'm finding some very surprising.

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RLEOM · 14/07/2019 11:41

Don't. Even. Bother.

No matter how much they like you, they'll always believe their son. You'll end up feeling frustrated of being unheard and of being made to feel like a liar.

My ex has told his family and friends a long list of lies. I tried to put it straight and have been made to feel like I'm a compulsive liar when it is him who can never be honest. In all fairness, I doubt he'd turn around and say that he was having an emotional (and previously sexual) affair at the start and an emotional (now sexual) affair at the end when we'd just had a baby... 🙄 Prize pig has made himself to look like a hard done by, innocent soul who has a nasty, psycho ex!

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 12:02

It's shit isn't it @RLEOM. I'm surprised by our mutual friends it's actually the female ones who seem to be believing his bullshit the most. So much for female solidarity and all that!
Where as of his best friends actually text me to say he knows it's all rubbish and that he hopes me and Ds are both ok.

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raspberryk · 14/07/2019 12:08

Some people don't believe it til they shit on them too. My ex's parents still think the sun shines out his arse as they forget the times he did unspeakable things to them as well.
Don't waste your energy or breathe and don't worry about what people think of you. It all comes out in the wash eventually.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 12:15

I'm not too good at holding my tongue though so if someone says something I'll end up saying something back.
He's going to be able to get in there with his sob story first too, seen as he's still going out with our mutual friends while I'm sat at home with ds and pregnant. But supposedly according to one (I thought good friend) I've obviously done something wrong because I'm hiding away and not showing my face. Hmm, maybe I'm just more concerned with my Ds and dealing with the breakdown of my relationship than going out and keeping her updated on my life.

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LemonTT · 14/07/2019 12:24

Don’t forget that people will be fishing. Gossips will being tales to you in the hope or getting some more gossip out of you. They are not interested in the truth just the opportunity to get the story first and spread it wide and far.

The people who don’t get involved and stay out of this will make up their own minds. They know you both and will make judgements based on that. Time will show you aren’t seeing someone else as well.

The thing is to just ride things out and let people see the reality for themselves. Most of us know that our family members aren’t saints.

I would also advise that you avoid pointless arguements and debates with him if he is controlling and acting the buffoon. If you buy out his share of the home then he has no say. If there is a mesher order then it would be reasonable to end it when you remarry or cohabit or sell. That is a common feature of them. The sooner you get rid of his interest in the property the better. All he can do is set this as a trigger to release his interest. If he thinks otherwise let him bluster on. You don’t need to listen to his bluster anymore. Just nod, ignore and file on talking bullshit again.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 12:41

That's what I'm doing regarding ignoring @LemonTT. He said he wanted the solicitor to put in that I couldn't have anyone stay over, I just said no. I'd rather stay at my mums than him try dictate what I do in my own home. He backed down but then said "well I guess I know now why you're ending things" I ignored him and then he made a comment about the baby not being his, so I just said we'll arrange a dna test when she arrives.

I'm not sure if he's saying it to get at me or if he honestly believes it. I don't really care, I'm not going to reassure him I'm not seeing someone else, we aren't together. I did enough of the reassuring crap when we were and it doesn't work anyway.

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LemonTT · 14/07/2019 12:50

Dont respond to anything he says. Let your solicitor explain unreasonable clauses in any agreement. If he throws insults don’t reply or defend yourself against accusations. Don’t be in his presence basically or reply to messages. Do not engage in these discussions.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 12:57

I have to be in his presence because of Ds, that's unavoidable. I'm trying my best not to respond and the solicitor is dealing with the legal stuff, not married so no divorce. But he's being agreeable with must stuff, then just having his little digs.

Ironically, I've only just moved back into the family home, he's been staying here and I'm pretty sure he's had a woman here. Or he's made it look like he has and honestly he's sad enough to have done just that. I don't really care though, if a random shag helps him feel better he can crack on with it.

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ErrmWTAF · 14/07/2019 13:08

Post memes on FB that laugh at the crappy reasons men think we leave them:

  • We're all leaving them for another man
  • We're all crazy
  • We're all lesbians
  • We've been taken over by alien parasites that change us from compliant to bitches

You get the theme. Go find some memes and swap them out regularly. Laugh at him, because he doesn't deserve to be taken seriously.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 18:27

I'm tempted to post this one and let him think what he wants @ErrmWTAF

Ex's lies! Would you try explain to your in-laws or is there no point?
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75Renarde · 14/07/2019 18:37

DO NOT POST MEMES OP!

Memes are useful but so many people use them when they're in the middle of an emotional reaction. It therfore reveals their own hand.

Far more powerful to use a meme when used with insight.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 18:41

Oh don't worry I won't really post anything @75Renarde.

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75Renarde · 14/07/2019 18:44

Excellent.

And in answer to your in laws? Echo others here. Just don't. They'll never believe you. Their own facade is caught up too much in his.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2019 18:44

I think I would say to his mum, "If you ever want to know the truth about why we split up, then just ask me. Please don't take other people's word for it."

As for the women who are believing his bullshit, just wait it out - he'll end up with one of them and they'll learn the hard way.

75Renarde · 14/07/2019 18:47

As is yours OP.

GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 18:53

I've never posted things about our relationship on social media, we weren't one of those couples and I don't plan on starting now.
His mum has text me today to see if I got moved back in ok, she seemed normal over text. Although it's hard to tell with messaging.
Maybe I'm wrong and he's not said anything to family.

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GirlOnIt · 14/07/2019 18:55

As for the women who are believing his bullshit, just wait it out - he'll end up with one of them and they'll learn the hard way.

Im wondering if he already is @HollowTalk. Might explain why a supposed friend is so on his side.

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HollowTalk · 14/07/2019 20:38

It really wouldn't surprise me. It's amazing how women will side with the man when he's been a shit to their friend.

75Renarde · 14/07/2019 20:56

And that's really truth. Makes you wonder how close they have been.

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