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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not long split with ex...someone asked me out, what do I do!?

22 replies

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 08:33

Hey all,

Split with ex about two months ago. Found out he had cheated throughout the entire duration of our relationship with one night stands. We have a young DS. Initially devastated, got angry, sorted my ducks and asked him to leave and looking to sell up soon. I truly and fully over the last two months have come to peaceful terms (after a rollercoaster of very painful emotions) with being a single parent and actually being on my own for as long as I need to heal. Looking forward to the freedom, doing it all my way and buying my own house. I was honestly becoming happy about being alone after all the hurt and just fully focusing on work and my DS.

Men, last thing on my mind.

However yesterday I went to an event and a friend of my friend’s husband got chatting to me. He’s found me on social media and messaged me and basically asked me out.

He seems lovely but I’ve absolutely NO idea what to do. Help!

OP posts:

happytoday73 · 14/07/2019 08:37

Have some fun. Say yes... Enjoy!

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 08:42

Thanks happy,

I know it doesn’t have to be anything serious...but me and my ex were friends before we got together so I wasn’t looking at him as like a potential date. And my ex before him I met at college when I was like 17 so I have ZERO experience of dating/being on dates and I’m terrified 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2019 08:42

Hmmm... It's probably a bit too early isnt it? Certainly for DS. Remember also that as a newly separated woman you're a prime target for predatory men who are only looking for a quick shag. For some reason they think you're desperate.

I'd be very careful here.

BigRedLondonBus · 14/07/2019 08:51

No way, would be too soon for me!

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 08:52

That’s what I mean. I’m by no means desperate! Wasn’t looking for attention at all.

OP posts:

Passmeabrew · 14/07/2019 08:55

Say yes! You can go, have fun and see how you feel? If you enjoy yourself take it easy and go at a pace you feel comfortable with. Saying yes to one date doesn't mean you've fallen head over heels and are taking your son along and introducing him to his new daddy as previous posters seem to be implying.....

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/07/2019 08:55

If you are over ex, say yes. Take it slow, have fun, live your life.

If you're not over ex, say no. You are not obliged to say yes, just because he asked. Live your life. When YOU are ready to date, you date.

happytoday73 · 14/07/2019 08:58

I'd just check with friends husband that he is nice and then keep it nice and casual. You deserve some fun. Really slow and allowing you to get used to new life.
Alternatively if you do really like him you could tell him you liked him but seems too early.... See what he suggests
I'd be nervous of dating again... Especially if hadnt really before... I wish you luck.. And happiness

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 08:59

Yes absolutely would not be getting DS involved! He’s my number one priority.

OP posts:

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 09:00

I am nervous of dating! And yes, it’s my friend’s husbands best friend and they both says he’s a really decent guy.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 14/07/2019 09:02

It's great that you have achieved so much in 2 months.

It's still rather early days though. A bit of fun dating might do you the power of good. But don't find yourself coupled up again (especially inadvertently.

If someone is still showing signs of vulnerability, nice men swerve and less nice ones pounce. At only 2 months after difficult break up, you might not really know how you come across.

So keep it light, have fun, and see lots of different people for different activities

sue51 · 14/07/2019 09:03

It's just one date and he's known to be a nice guy. I'd Say yes.

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 09:05

That’s a good point made about how I come across. Could someone come across as vulnerable? I’ve got no idea. Might just leave it to texting for now...

OP posts:

MoreNiceCereal · 14/07/2019 09:10

There's no rule. Do what you feel comfortable with, and if it isn't dating then don't do it.

I jumped into casual dating after leaving an abusive ex a lot quicker than most people would advise, but it has been the right choice for me. I don't really care what other people think or say about it, tbh, because it's my life and I'm finally putting myself first (a bit, I have DC so they are the main priority, and know nothing about my activities).

Flirting and having fun again was the best medicine for me.

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 09:13

Cereal, true! But I think the fact that I’m freaking out so much over is probably suggests a lot...

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/07/2019 09:21

I would say go for it as long as you're not still living in the same house as your ex.

Original poster

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 09:34

Nope, not living together.

OP posts:

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 11:25

No, I wouldn’t date just yet. I waited for a year after splitting with my exH and there was no cheating involved. You need to fully move on from ex, from the betrayal and also focus completely on your DS before you even contemplate dating imo.

MaeveDidIt · 14/07/2019 12:00

Yes, I would.

Your best friend and her DH say he's a decent guy, so why on earth not.

BUT importantly be very careful and take it slowly and find out for yourself.

Don't dismiss what 'could' possibly be a good relationship.

Life works in mysterious ways and don't ever miss out on what can sometimes work out as good opportunities.

Timing is rarely ever right.

crankyassnoperope · 14/07/2019 12:23

Does he know you're so recently broken up, and that it wasn't exactly a calm, steady break-up? At two months out I would be wary of any man who thought now was a good time to make a move to be honest. Some guys just want to be your rebound, because, SEX.

Also if the peace between you and your ex is at all uneasy I personally would think long and hard about rocking that boat just now, for your ds's sake.

Just things to think about, not a definitive statement of what you should do. Only you know where you're at with this.

Original poster

thegirlracer · 15/07/2019 07:54

Cranky that was kind of my thoughts.

Things with ex can be good, like we get on well as co parents and then every now and then it goes back to being nasty (all on him, he can’t seem to handle that we have split) so I do think is entertaining anyone worth rocking an already unstable boat? I think probably not.

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 15/07/2019 07:59

You said you’d stick to texting - can I just warn you about the possibility of falling into a “fake relationship” via text? It’s really easy to establish a false sense of closeness and camaraderie via text - it’s safe and not out of your comfort zone but it’s far from unknown for women especially to develop relationships via text that they felt were very important to them only to find the man involved saw it as nothing more than the odd chat. It’s easy to get a broken heart this way. Not trying to be doom and gloom about it, it’s just surprisingly common among women who are feeling a bit too nervous or not ready to date properly.

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