How to I tell stbexh that DD doesn't want to see him?

[Blushingm]

We split 3 years ago because of various reasons but a lot was to do with the fact his parents came before anything or anyone else

DS hasn't seen his df for about 2 years 9 months. I've tried to facilitate them keeping in touch but ds I think felt betrayed when dgf hit him and his dad didn't stick up of him. Since then DD has gone for tea once a week and stayed every other Friday night. She says when she's over there he stays in his room playing play station coming out for meals and his parents tell her off for things like being on her phone or wanting to see her friends (they say she should be spending time with them). I know this has been getting to her but she's said she'd keep going.

This week she popped in to eat some chips she'd bought before going to perform at a school show. They asked her if she wanted to do something afterwards but she said she'd rather go home as she would be tired and had school the next day (show started at 7pm). The nan shouted and told her 'well that tells us where we stand!'. DD said she finished her chips in silence and left - the nan noticed and followed her out and shouted at her. Ex was still at work.

How do I tell him she doesn't want to go there - she's said she doesn't want to see her dad now either. She says he fusses her and she feel uncomfortable. I've tried to say she may regret it but she's adamant.

Ex has treated dc v differently since we split - for example Christmas dd is spoiled but ds gets nothing.

I know he's going to think it's me that's influenced DD but it's entirely her choice.

She's 13 btw and DS is 17

Thanks for an advice

I think your thread title is mistyped? Your ex is outrageous for treating the children differently. I would just tell him straight about dd. His feelings hardly need to be soothed if he thinks it's acceptable to hurt his son like that.

Honestly, that sounds like a terrible relationship for your DD. I don’t blame her if she’s had enough. I’m not sure what/whether it’s your job to tell him, but you will certainly need to support her/ pick up the pieces. Her father sounds like a child. And there is no way my kids would be spending time with a GP who had hit one of them. I’m sorry you have to deal with such terrible people, but it’s her life and she doesn’t have to waste any of it with such horrid people

I would support her in what she wants to do.

Yes titled should read DD and not dad - blinking autocorrect - anyone know how I can change it?

It's hard as I don't want anything to happen to him, her not have seen him and then carry the guilt around with her

They are horrible. When we were married I went back to uni but had to go to college first. I needed help for 30 mins once a week for after school childcare. They said no. I should look after my husband and children and have a nice little job apparently. They then decided I didn't exist (exactly what they told ex who did bugger all). Christmas for example was a card to our grand daughter, to our grand son and to our son

• [Message from MNHQ - we've edited the title now]

I think you should support her but remain open to facilitate him meeting her outside their home. It’s his responsibility to see his daughter in an appropriate setting and your daughter shouldn’t have to feel guilt if he’s failing that.
I think it’s good that she is supported in standing firm about not being treated poorly and maintaining toxic relationships. If she’s forced to carry on out of some ‘duty’ or guilt it’s worrying to think what that will teach her and could bleed in to how she lets herself be treated in future relationships.

You should just tell him if she doesn't want to.
Talk to her about if she will feel regret if anything happens to him. And maybe see if she can get some in school counselling.
But to be honest it sounds as if her "contact" with her father is minimal anyway - and is more with her abusive Grandparents. At 1 she is old enough to make this kind of decision herself and to explain to CAFCASS or anyone else why.

Your poor dcs, your exh and expil sound toxic and I wouldn't be encouraging any relationship between the dc and them.

Just tell him. She's 13. She'll be able toexplain to any one who asks why she doesn't want to see him/them.

Just make sure she feels supported and in charge of her decision making. Let school know, just so they can be supportive if there are any issues, with them or her.

Forgot to add, both dc are old enough to make up their own mind. He won't change or stick up for him, so you need to. Just tell him that due to his parents behaviour, and the fact he's not there half the time she won't be going any longer. Then ignore any backlash. If he's that bothered he can take it via the courts, who will go with what your dd wants.

Try and keep any communication channels open in case your dd changes her mind but you'll need to ensure they don't try and emotionally manipulate her to visit

i assume you were not married so it’s up to DD what she wants to do. Just say she’s not coming over at the moment but be open to her changing her mind later. People are not all kind and loving and DD is finding this out which is very sad.

We were married - trying to divorce but it's like walking through treacle with him

She's worried about what he will say - she's asked if he texts her, does she have to reply.

Thank you for the suggestion about telling school - she sees the well-being dept anyway as she's struggled a little with things

@Blushingm I think you click on "report" to the top right of your OP and tell MNHQ what you what changed.

I agree this could be tough for your dd to handle herself. Would you be able to very calmly state to him what she has shared with you about the atmosphere in the house and him holing himself up in his bedroom, etc? Suggest that if he changes his approach, your dd might change her mind? If he starts accusing you repeat ad nauseum that this was her decision. Ultimately it doesn't really matter if he believes you or not.

Sorry, what you want changed.

Tell her she doesn't have to reply to anyone on text if she doesn't want to, and she never has to reply immediately either (unless its a real safety concern one). Empower her to be able to not speak, respond etc. to anyone.
Maybe work yourself on FOG and help her to do the same, both of you need to build your own boundaries. You can talk to her about what she would do if this was a boyfriend or friend?

She’s old enough to decide not to go now and she can also tell him she doesn’t want to go herself too.

His parents sound abusive.

I've text to say she wants to take a break from going over and that I've told her she can change her mind whenever she wants to. She was happy with this but is worried he will message her - I've said she can reply but nothing says she has to

He hasn't replied at all

His parents are incredibly controlling and he never ever stands up to them

This sounds like a similar situation with my teens and their father. The 17yr old will still see him every other week or so but my 14 yr old is currently refusing to see him. ExH obviously blames me but I have had nothing to do with her decision. Her school counsellor suggested that she write to him to tell him that she doesn't want to see him at the moment. I leave it up to her whether or not she replies to his messages or not. I also feel that it is up to him to try to build bridges with her. When I was trying to encourage her to still see him, she told her counsellor that she felt that I was pressurising her and made her more stressed about things so I have backed off now.

Thanks daftapath- it's so hard