You sound like me 4 months ago. I would really like to help you through this if you'll let me.
I was in an emotionally and psychologically controlling and abusive relationship with my ex. It is hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but much easier when you have a child together and suddenly your protective instinct kicks in.
I left after much deliberation and moved to stay with a friend. I just needed to get out, and I did! I did this with help from women's aid. If you haven't phoned them already, I really recommend them. They are quite amazing and will help you.
When I left, I phoned the health visitor and asked her to do a DASH assessment. To my surprise I came out as high risk. I thought 'he hasn't hit me, surely not!' but in hindsight, I can see clearly now that emotional abuse is just as serious and can have a profound effect on you. I really recommend opening up to your health visitor. This is really important.
This set off a chain reaction. My case was heard at a meeting called a MARAC meeting which is where lots of professionals talk about how they can keep you safe. I was panicking at this stage. What on earth would my abuser think if he found out. He's going to be so angry. He's going to go mad. It was awful, but I got through it.
I phoned the police and reported everything my ex had done to me. They listened, and took note. This was just in case he did anything unexpected. At least they had a bit of a background which would add any weight. It also meant that if anyone in the future did a Clare's law search on him, this could be disclosed. I really recommend asking the police about Clare's law. They will tell you if he has a violent or abusive background that you do not know about .
I phoned the national centre for domestic violence. They helped me to get a non-molestation order in place. If you don't know what this is, I suggest you have a look in to it. If you have evidence of his abuse (and even if you don't!) you can apply for one to protect you. The NCDV will talk you through it and put all the paperwork together for you.
Initially, I was doing everything I could to appease me ex. I was meeting him, responding politely to his abusive messages. Taking his shit. Sitting there scared whilst he played happy families with DS. He was so sweet and loving as soon as I said no to him. As soon as I didn't do what he wanted. He was still abusing me and your ex will likely continue to abuse you too.
Eventually I left my friend's house. I'm living back home with parents. 250 miles away from my ex. He's taking me to court to see DS. CAFCASS can see that I witheld access, and all the shit I've been through to protect myself. They've recommended INDIRECT CONTACT only. If I'd have continued to allow him to see DS, especially on his own or with just family members present, it's likely CAFCASS would have taken a different stance. Sadly this is how the system works sometimes. They don't always realise that people who have been abused often put themselves in harm's way to appease their abuser.
You are an amazing mum, doing what is best for your child. You have incredible courage for leaving. You are in the thick of it, and you WILL recover. Please DM me if you want to chat. I wanted to post this publicly as I think it's important that we all help each other out on here.
You got this!