Unhappy with no intimacy in relationship

[Lou1414]

I don’t really know where to start...

I’ve been with my partner for about 7 years, we're in our early 30's and we have a 10 month old baby and live a comfortable life. My partner is a good man - he works hard, treats me well and looks after me. I’m very fortunate because of him and know that without him my life wouldn’t be as good as it is now.

However, we have NO sex life. This isn’t just since I had our baby - it’s been like this for a long time!! To conceive I had to schedule in times! He has no desire to have sex and we have very little intimacy.

I do try to initiate intimate moments but for example tonight we’ve both come to bed early. I’ve lay next to him and stroked him and could feel him getting aroused but he continued to be on his phone playing a game. Once he’d finished the game he just turned over and said goodnight.

I feel stupid/embarrassed/lonely/rejected and humiliated. I also feel angry that I keep trying and feel like I must be looking desperate but I miss that part of a relationship.

I have such a low self esteem but since having our baby I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight (4 stone) and I am taking more care in my appearance. I actually have days where I think I look a little attractive but my partner shows no signs that he thinks/feels the same.

I have tried to talk to him but the last time I tried he just snapped at me and said that I kept bringing it up and I felt humiliated (I thought I’d been more subtle than I had been)

Sorry for the long post but I don’t know where to turn. I’ve tried talking to friends but I feel embarrassed and whenever they ask me again if things have improved I just lie because I’m scared of what they’ll think/say.

We got engaged last year and both my partner and friends/family keep asking when we’ll be getting married but this is a HUGE red flag for me. I’m scared to commit to a marriage when I feel our relationship is missing something that I feel is an important part.

Do I accept that this is my life and our relationship or do I walk away?

Don't marry him. Whatever his problem you'll be even more miserable if you marry him. (btw I don't think the main problem would be porn, before someone brings that up, but it may be a part of it). Even worse than his apparently low libido and disinterest in sex with you is his unwillingness to discuss it with you.

Walk away. You can’t keep living like this! It’s going to destroy you!

Sorry op, run, if he can't see why u feel hurt no compliments no intimacy you have a flat mate! Why would you want to waste your life like that?

Marriage won't solve the issue and the lack of intimacy will chip away at your soul. I know you probably feel conflicted about ending the relationship but I do think you need to stand up to him and say that you MUST discuss the issue. It doesn't look like he has any desire to change things. You need to think about what real and SUSTAINED change would look like and have another go at discussing it. Does he realise how serious things have become? He has a right to not have sex, withold affection if that is what he wants but you also have a right to express what you need from the relationship.

Of course you are attractive, a 4stone weight loss, wow well done but I think worrying about your weight is a red herring.

Don’t marry him. You want different things from a relationship.

I suspect his lack of sex drive is nothing to do with your weight or appearance, so please don’t blame yourself. More likely to be porn or he’s gay. I think you need to prepare yourself for something like this.

(I’m assuming that he doesn’t have a medical condition or is on medication , or you would have mentioned that ) .

Sorry, this must be very hard for you.

Lack of intimacy is so tough.... constant tiny rejections are like death by a million paper cuts.

Maybe there is a reason, but you won't know until he talks to you. This is important. The ability to talk about big issues is important- a foundational feature of a relationship.

Maybe making the decision to have a baby with this man when you knew he was like this wasn’t the smartest move because now
It makes things a whole lot more complicated.

If you can’t live like this then you have to end it. It will be nothing to do with your weight or appearance.

If he is a decent man like you say then he should make a reasonably good co parent. Best do it now while your baby is still too small to understand. You don’t want a heartbroken toddler or young child as that is hard and very hard on them.

There's something quite seriously wrong if he rejects you even when you are in bed together in the way you describe. This is not normal behaviour for a man, and especially not at your age - most men would be delighted to be touched up by their partner and would follow through in the usual way. I'm a lot older than him but if my wife touches me in that way it creates an intense desire and I certainly would not just turn over and go to sleep. Do you think he could be gay? Addicted to porn? Drink or drug issues? Does he masturbate? You have to talk to him about this and if he won't engage with it you will have to think seriously whether you have a future together.

I agree with everyone else.

I once had no intimacy for 3 years. To kick start it, we decided to shower together and fondled. He got hard, I got out and lay in bed, he got dressed and left the room. Blew my mind.

When I broke up with him a few months later, he said it was down to his performance anxiety. I knew one day a 'man' would come along and I'd be attracted to him so I couldn't commit.

This is his problem not yours. If he wint change it, it won't change.

Next step maybe tell him you're evaluating your future and cant promise to stay, let alone marry. Start considering what single would look like. I just got engaged to a wonderful hunky rugby player type, who is fabulous in bed and has a healthy desire for regular sex. It is out there xxx