I'm not even sure how to start my story. I think what i'm looking for is some kind of reassurance that i am not going crazy & that I can recover from this.
I have met my ex around a year ago. We hit it of straight awayatraight away. He was charming, charismatic. Few months before he ended a long term relationship.We started seing eachother but despite feeling this overwhelming euphoria when I was with him there was always a feeling of uneasyness. Its hard to explain. He was always very happy, bursting with energy, positive. I was in owe, i wanted a bit of it around me. We were seing eachother a lot whenever we could. I should add even tho we've not met before we had mutual friends. He wasn't a complete stranger. But after few weeks i began to suspect i wasn't the only one. Cutting long story short i wasnt. I told him.it wasnt for me. I have a child and not looking for this sort of casual thing. That was it. So i thought. After some time he appeared again, send an innicent message on facebook and that was it i was sucked in again. Back to seeing eachother. This again lasted about a month and that was it. Out of a blue he was gone. No explanation no goodbye. Gone. I felt a bit shit, a bit angry but hey theese things happen. It took me some time to forget about him but it wasn't a big deal. Some weeks passed and he was back. Text. Apologising he disappeared. He had problems in work, struggled with some stuff, family etc. He was so sorry but he didn't want to involve me in all of it thought it was best to just leave. I was sceptical at first but it really didn't take long for him to be fully back on the sceene. But this time i was safe. He knew what i expected, he knew i didn't want a casual relationship, he knew it took me years to get over emotional abuse my ex imposed on me. He knew i had a child. He knew all this. Promissed he wants to be with me that he realised what he'd lost and that he will not hurt me again. Flowers, dinners, trying really hard. I was extatic. He didn't have to come back. But i felt to special so admired this time he was in it for real. Things were going well. We were seeing eachother regularry. Talkwd to eachother everyday. After couple of months we went on a little break together. Now i know that even tho all seemed well i always every single day felt this uneasy feeling. This awful stomach wrenching anxiety. I realised that every day i wondered "is today going to be the day he disappears again". He would never talk about this. Everytime i tried i would myself turn jt into a joke scared that i might upset him kr push him away and then he woukd really leave. But then he would do things like say we should be an ifficial couple so when someone asks me i can say you're my girlfriend. So even tho i had all theese doubts he would then do something to wipe them and i would be angry that i allowed myself to think like that. Looking back now there were signs. He wasn't abusive in an obvious way, he didn't tell me what do do ir how to dress. He never stopped me from seeing my friends. He actually encouraged me to go out. He was supportive when i was doing my uni exams, helped if he could. But when he did he made sure people knew how amazing he was. I remember speaking to him on the phone (i kmow his family members were there at the time) saying i had an issue getting to somwhere i needed to be. He made a speach to me on tge phone that i should never worry about things like that. I have him know and he will sort it all. He made sure people heard. But still he was amazing and could do no wrong in my eyes... i remember not that long ago my friend asked me does he make you happy i was like yes of course and as i was saying it this overwhelming anxiety came over me. I didnt understand.
It qasnt long ago he introduced me and my DC to his family. He has met my family. It felt right he wanred it. We were a couple. It was the right time.
We plannwd holidays, days out.
Last few weeks of what was going to be the end of it all were drainibg, strange, left me exhausted, confused and feeling like i was crazy. He started to distance himself. Calling less, not reading my messages. I want to add that this was another thing. I was always very careful with texting. I think now i was well trained not to. Because once i was scalded for it and i wasnt going to do it again to upset him. Evsry text i sent was carefuly re-read and timed so that it didnt piss him off. Calls were something else. He called. Sometimes few times a day jf he felt like it or had time. I couldnt really call. Well i could byt my calls were vwry rarely answered he woukd say he was workjng or was with family. And that was another thing. He would never speak to me when he was with family except few occasions. I couldnt understand. Ive met them they like me were tigether why couldnt he speak to me when he was with them? Calls were on his terms in his time. But of course i was always there to answer with my phone glyed to me 24/7.
So as i said last few weeks of it... calls were reduced, texts the same. He was adgitated, annoyed. On 2 occasions pushed me away when i hugged him saying i was needy. Whatever i did was wrong. But he said it was work. Stress. Not me. We were perfectly fine. His words. Thise days, nights i felt so ill, so alone. I couldnt sleep, i was worried about him, us... i was angry with myself. Why was i like this? I have a full time job and a child to look after i need to snap out.
But finally we talked he apologised. Said it was stress and thjngs will be back to normal. We discussed a lit if things he saud things i wa ted to hear but in a very strange way. The was you can understand the same thing in 2 ways. He was good at that. To the point that i was so confused that u actually said im not sure youre telli g me youre dumping me or youre in it 100%. He was in it 100%. Afterall i was "good for him" as he always said. He wanted to make it work & i would do anything to make him happy even over myself.
And that was it. After this was a silent treatment. I couldnt get in touch with him and i was worried sick something happend. He dissapeared. For few days. Then he read my messages and told me i was crazy. I apolofised and apologised(not sure what for) but the silent treatment continued. I was so riddled with anxiety. What have i done? How could i have made him so angry? He has done nothing wrong. I never saw him after this. Never spoke to him. I got a text saying it was too much he didnt need it. To add salt to the wounds pretty much the day after my friend told me he was on a dating app.
I feel like i am in a black hole. I cannot cope with what happend. I get flashbacks to whats been saud. Blame myself for not seeing signs, for beleiving him again after he dissapeared again. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I cant stop crying. And the worse thing is - i miss him. I know you probably will think i am crazy. I do to. How can i miss him. Why would i. But my brain my emotions don't feel like they are mine anymire. I don't feel me. I feel battered and bruised. Confused. Angry. Lied to cheated. Trying to understand. He wanted it. He introduced me to his family. Wanted to meet mine. Met my child. Was planning future. The day before he decided to trear me with this crippling silend treatment. I feel broken. And i dont know what to do. Please help xx