Ashamed of my past and feel DH deserves more

[jasmineandhoneysuckle]

I’ve been married to DH for three years and was with him for four years before that. We now have 2 daughters (4 and 14 mo). Just to give some background, when we met my mental health was really in a bad way - I was doing things that struck me as odd at the time but with the benefit of hindsight I realise they were actually much more than just odd and were indicative of much deeper issues - too embarrassed to go into them here even though I’ve changed my name. Not sure what caused it - combination I think of my mum leaving the family home when I was 12, my own drinking problem, possibly just a chemical imbalance that couldn’t be helped. Anyway, DH has given me such emotional stability since we’ve been together and I am a long way from the person I was then - I have always been able to speak to him about my feelings and some of the things I did back then but not all of them as I’m so ashamed. Something that has been playing on my mind for a while now is something that happened shortly after we had started going out - I had sex with a “friend” during summer holidays, lying there the whole time thinking that I didn’t want to be doing it, and directly after I cried and he said “I won’t tell anyone” - I felt like a disgusting person who had cheated and always have felt hot with shame to think back on it. I can’t remember much about it now but more and more I am convinced it was some sort of coercive encounter. I had been violently raped about a year before and at the time I didn’t think the two were the same, I thought the second was too unlike the first to be called rape too. Anyway sorry to go on, my point is that I’d be so relieved to sit down with DH and talk about this, but I worry that he would think I’m recasting myself as a victim or lying to cover up a dirty little secret. With this and some of the other things I did at the same sort of time (used to hide in my bedroom at uni for days on end and if I needed to wee I’d do it in a cup) I feel if he knew he’d regard me as disgusting and weird and unworthy of him, but I hate keeping things bottled in. I’m sorry I don’t know what I expect anyone to say, I just wanted to get it out.

Honestly, don’t mention it. It will not do you or him any good whatsoever.

The need to get it all out is very important.

However, I don’t think your husband has the right ears for listening!

Complex mental health issues will be understood by a professional therapist, not someone who is emotionally attached to you.

He may then also suffer from the burden of knowing these things and not be able to adequately deal with them.

He sounds very loving and supportive and if you suggest to him that you would like to see a counsellor then I’m sure he would give his support.

These awful things play on our mind and simmer below the surface and prevent us from truly living.

Don’t let these thoughts hold you back any longer and go and seek help from someone who will listen but is trained to understand your feelings and emotions.

The other posters are probably right. Its probably not a good idea to tell him, but you should tell a counsellor.

OP. Everyone has a past, and partners don't necessarily need to know all of it. Unlike some people, it sounds as though the things you're ashamed of in your past were things you deserve sympathy and understanding for, not judgement and shaming. Counselling might be a better way of dealing with this than baring all to your dh. Not because he'd think you're disgusting, but because a counsellor would be better equipped to help you make peace with yourself.

You need to work through this and speak about it but I’d say a counsellor would be the best person to speak with and not your DH.

A counsellor will be equipped with the tools to help you work through this

I would say that you should talk to a counsellor about this not your DH.

It comes across that you want him to tell you it is OK you cheated on him, and that’s not fair on him I don’t think.

Did you have any help and support with the rape at the time or afterwards?

I think you need to give yourself a break - you went through a really traumatic event and your behaviour following it was affected, and it sounds like your "friend" exploited your vulnerability.

As per pp, I wouldn't unload this onto your dh at this time, but would seek support from Rape Crisis and find a counsellor with a good understanding of sexual abuse survivors.

Don’t tell your DH , you have clearly worked very hard to get to where you are in life and your relationship. It’s not necessary to compromise that and upset your DH .
Well done in getting to where you are .
Give yourself a break and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Remember you have done many good things in your life .. don’t focus on the bad ..

Please see counselling for support to help you go forward in life with a more positive outlook and helping you to move on from the hard times ...

Best of luck x
Remember you have been strong enough to get this far !
You can go way further xxx

@babbi thank you, that’s lovely of you to say.

@category12 I never got help as I was too ashamed at the time to tell anyone as I had been drinking loads and blamed myself - I know that’s common and if I heard somebody else saying this I’d say that it didn’t make it their fault but it’s harder to tell myself that.

Oh love .

Ok. It's entirely up to you whether you tell your husband and you probably feel like you aren't telling him the whole story, but he doesn't need to know and, as others have said, may not be equipped to deal with it the way a counsellor would

I just wanted to say to you though, that I do understand shame and it is something that has blighted my life too. It's ok. The thing you said about when you were at uni, please don't feel ashamed. You were obviously extremely depressed and unable to leave the room at the time. That doesn't make you a disgusting person, it just means you were having a hard time and couldn't face the world then. And why would you? You had been sexually assaulted and raped twice. Do not blame yourself for that.

Hugs to you. I think you are amazing to have gone through everything and still come out the other side fighting with a great partner and two beautiful kids. Give yourself the credit you deserve, you did that. be proud of yourself.

Xx

God love you, you poor women, having been through so much and still beating yourself up.

You need to say it out loud to a counselor, not your husband.

Just like you would say it to him, but not to him!

And then let it go.

You have been so strong and courageous.

Most women I know have embarrassing stuff that they cringe at🙄from their past that they don't share with husband's etc.

Just because you are in a relationship with someone it doesn't mean they have to be your confessor!

You need to work on being kinder to yourself.
Forgiving yourself .....(for nothing IMO)

Accepting that what happened over the years, your MH difficulties are not something to be blamed for.

People can be hard enough on each other with out us beating ourselves up too.

Wishing you peace and the very best. You deserve no less.

Were you exclusive/monogamous with your DH at the time of sleeping with your friend?

What makes you think it wasn’t consensual? How did it happen?

@happybunny007
Your comment is entirely out of order. I suggest you read the op properly in future so you don't put your foot in your mouth like that again.

Op, I absolutely agree that speaking to a counsellor would be a great step

I didn't marry DH until my early 50s, and made some bad decisions in the past. There are things I wouldn't talk to him about. If you need to talk to someone I agree with PP who have suggested a counsellor.