Ex in laws. Advice please.

[JoannaCuppa]

When exH and I split last year, we had been together for 16 years. It was a very amicable split and still is - ex and my DP go to gigs together etc.

Ex and I love each other to bits as siblings/friends and always want to celebrate things like Xmas and birthdays with our DD. New partners to be invited too.

My family still view my ex as family (with my blessing - he has been my mum's son in law for 16 years and she loves him very much). Ex told his family he hoped for the same from them. Their response has been "nope, we need to move on, she isn't family any more and we will only see DD when with exH").

Fair enough, their choice. They want to be invited to all things to do with DD but only want to see her with exH (which is confusing as obviously I will be there for most of her school stuff etc)

What I do feel uncomfortable about is inviting them to things in my home. They have hurt me deeply by not being in contact at all since the split. I saw ex-MIL the other day and she was very fakely nice. I told her that both ex and I were hurt that after 16 years I had been erased so effectively. MIL said I hadn't, it is just that people were busy. When I told her I had seen texts from exSIL explicitly saying I am not family anymore and am not welcome to anything, she didn't know where to put herself.

Now obviously, they can choose to approach the split of ex and I however they want, and are entitled to their feelings, but I want to do the best for my DD.

Am I pathetic for feeling happy to invite them to things at school etc, but no longer happy to invite them to things in my home for her?

ExH says I am being totally fair - he is spending Xmas with us this year as he wants to be with DD but knows DD wants to be with her mum. As that can't happen with his family, he is coming to my family. ExMIL came last year, post split, when ex and I were hopeful that they would treat my as family so my DD wasn't split in two. But she admitted after that she can't see me as family anymore and only accepted my family's hospitality to see DD.

How would you guys handle this?

With no guilt or worry at all. You have no need to have her in your home. She has chosen the rules and I actually think it might be nice for you in the long run. DD sees her paternal grandmother and family when she is with her father.

MIL misses out on any celebrations that are at your house. Sounds great to me . I understand you were hurt but am assuming that anyone who behaves like this can't be a nice person so you are better off without her.

It allows you to move on with your new partner and only have your friendly ex in the picture, not everyone else on his side.

I think the boundaries they are defining are normal and appropriate. Pretty much what most people do.

The scenarios you describe are beyond being amicable. Spending Xmas together with new partners and 4 sets of in-laws (assuming no divorces in that generation).

There are lots of issues with what you are proposing. To handle them you need to be thick skinned. Your response to ILs decision is to escalate. That isn’t being amicable. I think they know the situation with you and your ex better.

I think they know the situation with you and your ex better I am not sure what this means? How can you have "beyond amicable"?.

Ex and I are committed to our DD. Both our new partners know the score and think it is fab how well we all get on. We may need ti change things in the future if Ex and his DP.move in together, then we may end up splitting xmases or whatever, but for now, it is working well.

Ex's DP is fabulous and I couldn't wish for a better lady to be in my DD's life. And my DP is great and is committed to my DD and I too.

Chamomileteaplease - it's good to know that I am not being unfair at not having exMIL in my home. It just felt so one sided - they want to be invited to everything but not have any relstionship with me. The no relationship is fine, but I then begrudge inviting them into my home. They can't have it all ways. But I didn't know if I was being unfair.

You and your ex and both new partners sound very mature and reasonable. I’d be open to the dynamic changing in time but you’re already considering that so crack on as you are. I completely agree with chamomile. You have no obligation to invite them into your home. If they don’t see you as family I doubt they’re particularly nice to your DP either and his feelings matter too. Ex can invite them to school events, no need for you to be involved with them. He can invite who he wants to things he hosts, hopefully they’re pleasant when you all end up in the same place but aim for civil and nothing more as they’ve shown their feelings.

The dynamic you have created post split is very rare so don’t let anything damage it.

I would still invite the ex ILs. I’d view them the same way I view an acquaintance I don’t know well, and rest them accordingly-polite but formal and distant.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you, they means a lot. We have tried so hard to do the best for DD, and it is why I was so hurt by their stance. I am not bothered for myself, but for DD who we never want to feel torn. She can't understand why her Nan doesn't contact me or want me anywhere near the family anymore, and though I have explained as nicely as I can (I will never bad mouth them to her) it has really upset her.

I think I shall just let exH invite them to things, but not at my house. He has said that if they ever bad mouth me to DD, that is the last time she sees them. He is appalled by his family's stance, that they are putting their boundaries over DD's wellbeing, which I why I know what has been said. He has told me.

No doubt in time it will settle down and things will naturally change and develop to reflect new situations. As long as DD is ok, that's all that matters.

What I do know is that exH won't arrange stuff for DD himself, he is happy for me to do it and share the cost. So I guess his family will just have to whinge at him if they feel excluded. I think he will tell them to piss off, that they are having their boundaries respected so not to whinge.

We shall see!

I think what you have is amazing so carry on with what works.
If it's become your job to invite them to school/joint things then I'd stop, ex's can organise with them if he chooses.
However, if she's not family then she wouldn't be crossing my front door.

What fabulous people you all are. Such a positive situation for your DD.

Your ex-PILs are missing out and making a great situation difficult. It's their choice, of course but YANBU.

Well done for all your positivity.
Lovely to read both partners putting their child first.

I wouldn't waste one moment on your MIL's choices.

They are hers alone. You can't change her choices.

This is what you should tell your DD and tell her not to worry as sometimes adults can be difficult to understand.

I definitely would not have the MIL near your house.

Remain polite but vague when meeting.

She may well cop herself on when she sees the consequences of her stance and her son not entertaining her.

@greenwaterbottle and @koolaider thank you both so much.

It is funny, when ex and I split, exSIL contacted some of our joint friends and told them that ex and I spend too much time together, that we are in denial about our split, and we need to see each other less. It caused huge problems with our friends and my ex and I. Resulting in one friendship in particular souring.

The more I think back to how the exinlaws behaved through our marriage, when I let lots go to keep the peace, and the way they have been since, makes me realise they are not nice people. Weird as they are born again Christians so I thought they would be nicer and inclusive.

@billy1966 good advice. Thank you.

Weird as they are born again Christians so I thought they would be nicer and inclusive.

lol, that is funny. Every born again Christian I've met make a sport of excluding as many people as possible.