Appropriating autism

[TheTroubleYouTookFromHerEyes]

I have a friend who is doing this.

I have HFA. Very few people know because I mask a lot. People I know who work with people with autism often guess or suspect.

I've had a friend for about 7 years and I just wondered what you think is going on here because I don't understand why he is doing this.

He is increasingly using the language of autism to talk about himself. He doesn't believe he is autistic - he's told me that. But he is quite happy to let other people believe that he is.

Yesterday, he made an unpleasant comment about how "everyone else's 'isms'" are catered for but his are not. What actually happened was that we had plans for the evening; he tried to manipulate me into changing them; I just said, "I'm leaving at X time to go to Y place as we planned. Let me know if you want to come." He send a few "cheers mate " type messages. I didn't engage and he did end up coming out with me but was a bit arsey and snippy until he got talking to someone who is autistic and spent the evening telling this guy how "amazing" and "awesome" he is.

What's 'the language of autism'?

Things like he talks about having processing difficulties; sensory overloads and meltdowns which, to people who work with people with autism or have family members with autism mean something specific.

He wants people to think he is autistic.

If you're offended by this, say something gently to him.

As someone who is also autistic, I am not sure this would particularly bother me. I see it as a gift. But, then, I have never come across it, so I couldn't say that for certain.

Is he actually a Dick and just wants to get some sympathy?

I wonder how much of a friend he really is, and whether he's worth the effort.

Lots of people do misuse terms like: meltdown, OCD, Sensory overload (although anyone can have those - for anyone NT - think about how you feel after a red eye flight with jet lag and have to try to cope with a too bright airport, now add in a crisis happening), and most people have no idea what processing difficulties mean.

Based only what you’ve said, I’d say your friend wanted to be flexible with the plans you’d made and when you didn’t want to, instead of accepting that, he became passive aggressive.

‘everyone else’s isms’, cheers mate , and being snipey about it are clear examples.

Your friend is entitled to ask for a change of plans. You are entitled to say no. Your friend obviously felt a bit miffed at having to go along with the original plans.

As for the other person your friend spoke to it could be another sly dig at you or it could just be he liked that person.

It's hard to say why it irritates me. I suppose the best way I can describe it is he is 'copying' being autistic. And expects people to cater for his 'isms' where none really exist. So I watch people letting him sit in his favourite spot that he must always sit in. Until he forgets that that is his favourite spot that he must always sit in. Or he makes a bit show of "don't touch me, don't touch me! I don't like being touched." if one of his friends goes to hug him. But only if he remembers. And then people end up talking about how they mustn't hug him because he doesn't like it. And then how amazing he is (on the days he forgets) that he's now able to hug them.

It's just odd.

But then he's really dismissive of me and things I'm experiencing. Particularly if I've misunderstood something because I missed something or not read it right.

I had one of these. Self diagnosed with Autism and various other things which he used as cover for abysmal behaviour.

Unfortunately for him my long standing mate, a colleague of ten years and my dad are all on the spectrum so I am well aware that autism does not make people into inconsiderate bastards.

Examine your own boundaries here - it sounds like the friendship may have run it's course and it's become damaging to your wellbeing. You may have yourself an Emotional Vampire:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

My much younger sister is diagnosed with HFA and is said to mask a lot.

She is like your friend, one minute can't wear any tight clothes, be touched, wash her hair as she can't stand the texture of shampoo. Then all of a sudden if she really wants to do something she can mask and cope with all the above. Not saying he is haas got it but autism isn't clear cut.

As for the other person your friend spoke to it could be another sly dig at you or it could just be he liked that person.

I didn't take it as a dig at me, but he was really enthusing over this person in a way I don't think he would have done had they not been autistic.

Molly yes that's what I mean really. I experience sensory overload with sound, light and touch. 'Overload' is a very different experience to it just being a bit loud or a bit bright or being hugged when you're hot. It's physically painful to me. My skin feels like needles are being drawn across it if it is touched when I'm overloaded.

She is like your friend, one minute can't wear any tight clothes, be touched, wash her hair as she can't stand the texture of shampoo. Then all of a sudden if she really wants to do something she can mask and cope with all the above

I understand this.

But it's not that he manages his responses to do something he really wants to do, it's that he forgets it's supposed to be a problem for him.

Weezol sadly, I've wondered if you're right.

I've started to wonder if my 'oddities' are why he is friends with me. Whether I'm just one of the autistic people he's collected.

He's really proud he has so many autistic friends and he's diagnosing people around him all the time - friends, colleagues, people he does hobbies with.

I would be backing away - it sounds like he has some kind of fetish around autism. He's using you as a learning resource. I'd be wary of enabling this behaviour.

It just all sounds deeply unpleasant and you're worth so much more than being a prop in someone else's fantasy world.

I know someone like this too, who adopted a self diagnosis to excuse some frankly poor behaviour. Even after being told by a professional that he exhibits no signs of the condition, he nevertheless tells people he has it, expects accommodations at work and from friends, and behaves in any way he chooses because it's not his fault - he has a condition. As the mother of children with this condition I find it repellant and insulting.

I have anxiety and sometimes depression but I'm not autistic. I like you tend to mask these issues and only let them out around my partner. I do have meltdowns, can get overwhelmed in crowds and at loud noises and have some issues with germs/cleanliness. Perhaps he has some similar issues and is using language you think is specifically related to autism but apply to mh issues too? That's a generous interpretation. He could just see the attention some people get when the reveal these issues and want some of it.

I’m a HFA too. I don’t know how to word this exactly, but it sounds like he adopts these behaviours almost because he doesn’t believe them?

Like... say he has “sensory overload” - he has it, recovers from it, see that wasn’t so hard was it. There you go, autistic person, that’s how you get over that.

I think, possibly, he’s just a dismissive arsehole, who resents that you’re “special” and he’s not.