my alcoholic dad & terminally ill mum

[geekgirl]

just when things felt they couldn't really get much worse ...

just a short summary for those who don't know - my parents are both in their late 50s, my mum has ovarian cancer; it was diagnosed out of the blue 6 months ago and unfortunately has progressed very rapidly despite treatment and a brief period during which we all thought it had gone - she is now at the point where her intestines keep getting obstructed by the cancer, in the past two weeks she has had two emergency surgeries to clear obstructions and had a colostomy put in.
She is in a lot of pain and on morphine etc., but desperate to get out of the hospital.

My dad has always been a heavy drinker. My DB and I have suspected that there is more to this than my parents let on for many years, but my mum has only now finally admitted just how much of a drinking problem my dad has. Basically, she is terrified of coming home, and needing a morphine injection or anything else really and my dad being completely paralytic and unable to help.
She is also really worried that he will drink himself to death when she dies, as he has already apparently announced he would do .

I am really and that my parents have always over the years outrightly denied that he has an alcohol problem. This really isn't a great time of having to deal with that too.

Apparently he has tried to give it up a few times but with no success, and of course now with my mum's illness it really isn't a good time for him anyway. He outrightly refuses to go to AA or any other groups.

My dad is supposed to move into a granny flat in our house in due course. I'm not sure I can handle having him here if he plans on drinking himself to death.

Someone tell me what to do - I'm going to see them both at the weekend and need to have words with my father....

I think everyone is right about focusing on your mother's needs right now. I know it seems like you have to take responsiblity for your Dad as well but as a wise MNetter pointed out to me the other day when I was stressing about my FIL remaining in Spain after MIL dies, it is his life and he has to live it as he chooses and take responsibility for his choice. I find that very difficult to accept as all I can think about is what it will be like if he gets ill over there, but I know she is right.

Things are OKish here, thank you for asking. After 3 days of no fluids/nutrition for MIL, FIL couldn't do it any longer and got the staff to re-start everything. So bascially there's no change, she's in a coma and completely non-responsive. It's very sad as she made it completely clear that if it got to this stage she would want everything withdrawn, but I do understand that it must be incredibly difficult for FIL who has been with her for 60 years. DH is coping on the surface but nearly had a panic attack the other day.

Where abouts in Germany are your parents ? My Mum is German but has lived in the UK for years now, she grew up near Bonn. I do feel for you, the distance makes this whole thing SO much more difficult.