Can I change? If so how?

[DamnItAllToHell]

I have no idea where to start. Everything feels so completely pointless to me and I have no idea how to move forward.

I am in my early 60's and have a background of childhood sexual abuse and emotional neglect. My birth family is not close, caring or in any way supportive. I have siblings who regularly fall out with each other and who mainly ignore me, my father is dead, my mother is in her mid 80's and has no interest in me or my family. I visit out of duty and end up feeling worse than before I went.

I have 5 adult DC, 4 have left home and 1 still lives with us but likely to be moving out soon. We all get on fine, but their lives are busy and I am not their priority (I know this is how it should be and do not expect it to be any different).

My DH has about 4 years to go to retirement and has lots of interests, and stuff he wants to do, places to go, friends to interact with - although he is quite a loner and doesn't "need" people really. He is happy to do stuff alone. I would like some friends, but I never expect people to like me (I seemed to be universally hated at school), and I don't know how to get to know people well enough to even give friendship a chance.

I have spent all my adult life being married, having kids and looking after them all. I have worked sporadically but was mostly a SAHM and retired early due to a cancer diagnosis. I am currently in remission but have a very low immune system, so have to be aware of the infection risks associated with my cancer treatment. Also, I had to have my spleen removed a couple of years ago, which means I have to be aware of infection risks associated with this too.

That's the background. The future feels so bleak. As if everything good (my DC mostly) is behind me and all that lies ahead is the problems of aging. My father was doubly incontinent, had dementia and was bedridden. My MIL also has dementia and is horrible to be around. Several elderly family members have died over recent years of horrid, painful illnesses so I have no concept of old age and health in the same sentence. Hopefully, if this happens to me, it won't be for a few years, but how do I get through them? I feel so useless as a person. If I go out and do something I feel like I am just passing the time until I need to go home. If I make something (I do several crafts) it feels pointless as there is no one to share them with, no one to say "well done" or "that's nice" - though to be honest, I have trouble accepting compliments and never feel I deserve them. I do not enjoy sports or keep fit and I am very bad at joining things as I feel conspicuous and disliked before I even step into the room.

I'm just a mess, aren't I? But I have no idea how to be different. My main feelings on a daily basis are guilt, sadness, fear, and loneliness - not linked to anything specific mostly, they just seem to be who I am.

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad

You can and will feel better than this, I promise. It might take a while but it is completely possible to go from a place of deep despair to a feeling of enjoying being alive again. People have the capacity to do this. I've been suicidal in the past and today I've had a lovely day, on my own, pottering about. I promise you it's possible.

I'll make a few suggestions, some might help or appeal to you. If none appeal, that will be because they're just the wrong suggestions at this time, it won't be an indication that there's no hope. Other people will have other ideas and you'll also come to your own. Also, sometimes events and our feelings can shift like the weather, and that can help things too.

You sound to me as though the inner part of you that's still a child has been and continues to be very, very hurt. You have been badly hurt and not listened to. You need to try somehow to make contact with that part of yourself and nurture her kindly. It seems like you're blaming yourself and feel angry with yourself about things but you need to put those things aside and give yourself a break.

A good book to try is John Bradshaw's Homecoming. Also Phillipa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. I'd do a bit of reading around the subject. You might decided some therapy would help. It is expensive, but can be very helpful.

Have you tried writing? Look up 'morning pages' - this is where you write three pages in longhand first thing in the day, before you get up, to try and get everything out from your subconscious. It can be illuminating and helpful. If you just trust the process and commit to doing this for a month, you might find you get something from it.

You don't like sports but can you get out into the world for a walk amongst trees? Fresh air and movement can help. I hope this doesn't sound trite - I know when you're very low such suggestions are so annoying, but it can help. Do you like animals? Is involvement with them a possibility?

You say you do some crafts - there are several charities where they need people do make things. Would you find that rewarding? For example, I know some places make knitted teddies etc - those things you make would be very appreciated and might add some meaning.

You're not a mess. You sound low, hurt, probably depressed and in need of kindness.

There are inspirational stories of people everywhere. I read something recently about a woman who started weightlifing in her sixties and still does it in her nineties now. I'd try lots of small things with an open mind and something might click. Be kind to yourself, every day. Try not to speak negatively to yourself, I know it's hard when in that habit but you'll need to try and be strict about it, it does make a difference.

Sorry about the typos

just to say, that's an excellent and kind advice, CrefullyDrawn - will be useful to anyone who reads this thread, and hopefully to the OP.

What lovely thoughtful words @CarefullyDrawnMap. OP you sound depressed and I hope you are able to heal. Do you have grand children? Are you actively involved in their lives if so? Have you ever opened up to your dc about how you feel? They may have been waiting for you too. I’m sure they have noticed you are not feeling right, but perhaps don’t know how to address it. I think you should be really honest with those around you.

Is your husband supportive. Do you feel part of a team with him? Because if you make something or do something you should be able to share that with him.

I know this might sound trite but WI? It’s not like it used to be, and if there was one near me I would join and I’m younger.

Getting a part time job? Or working in a national trust property as a volunteer. They are mainly retired and I would 100% do that too. But those are all things I enjoy.

If you do crafts, can’t you join a craft circle? Or even just an anonymous online one to start if you feel anxious going.

But I do realise that all these seem simple in principle but probably aren’t. As this isn’t just about filling your time.

It’s a huge transitional time. You’ve survived cancer. You’re kids are moving out, I think a lot of people get the “ what the fuck is my life now”

Therapy is always good, even at 60 even if it’s just a place to sit and talk openly about what ever you want to talk about. Not to try and “fix” you. You’re in a transitional stage in life, where old age of others feels closer to home. So that might be a good thing to talk about. We all worry about these things. You are not alone in that.

Mostly don’t be so hard on yourself, but I do genuinely think some talking therapy may really help you.