How do I talk to my daughter about her dad abusing her sister?

[biscuitjar]

A few weeks ago my 14 year-old daughter told me that her dad (my ex, we split 8 years ago) has been abusing, and raping her since the age of six. He has been arrested and the investigation is underway. She is receiving amazing help and support. We live away from my ex and his family and my husband and I are doing our best to pick ourselves back up from the shock and awfulness and give our girls normal and happy-as-possible lives.

My main worry at the moment is for my other daughter (10). I have told her that her dad is in trouble with the police because he hurt her sister, that he isn’t the person we thought he was, and that she isn’t allowed to see him. I thought initially that that was all I could say, wanting to protect her from the truth, but she is so confused and upset I am not sure that keeping her in a bubble of ignorance is the best way – the truth is beyond awful but at least it’s something real to get her head round, rather than a load of unanswered questions, confusion, and the feeling of not being in whatver the big secret is. She says she loves her dad and that he has never done anything to hurt her, what has he done that’s so bad? And so on. My husband and my older daughter both think she needs to be told. But I just don’t know how to tell her, what words I can use to tell a ten year old such an awful thing? (Google can't answer me this one :(

I think you need to reach out to specialist Charities or other professionals for advice.
And you (your husband and older DD) need to be prepared that her initial reaction may be disbelief and anger. She will also need specialist help and someone safe to talk to outside the family - a trained counsellor.

You absolutely need to get specialist support with this - not least because they may need to investigate whether he assaulted her too

Thank you -she has been spoken to by police and SS. so far, we think, and hope, that she hasn't been abused. I will look into the charity thing. Thanks again x

You really need specialist help with doing this and getting it right.

If she’s already wondering that he’s done that’s so bad, you need to be very careful that she doesn’t apportion the blame to your older DD rather than her Dad. It sounds like she very much wants to believe that he’s innocent.

It’s complex and delicate, but tremendously important that it’s done correctly.

OP I'm so sorry you're all going through this but I echo other posters, speak to your police liaison and ask for help. There are people trained to support all of you in this and gives you the advantage of being able to stay in Mum role rather than stepping into the role of counselling/investigating.

Contact the NSPCC. They were a massive support to a friend of mine when her child was abused by a family member.

Can your police liaison officer help and advise ?

Definitely get specialist help. This is really tricky and I'm really sorry for you and your family.

This actually happened to a friend of mine, it was handled badly and she's still having MH issues as a result, 30 years later.

Please, please do not do this alone. Get specialist help ASAP.

Thanks - I will call NSPCC. I didn't think about liasion officer, had so many names and roles thrown at me it's hard to who does what and who to talk to about which thing..!

Please give MOSAC a ring. They offer support to non abusing parents of children that have been sexually abused.

www.mosac.org.uk/

My thoughts are with you, and your family, your daughter is very lucky to have a supportive mum that will protect and support her xx

I couldn't just read this and not comment. I'm so very sorry this has happened and turned your world upside down. How amazingly brave of your eldest DD to tell you. I echo everyone else; you need specialist help with dealing with this. It's too big to deal with without professional input and advice. My thoughts are with you all x

I think you need to tell her. He may have done the same to her but she may not realise that it was abuse.

Your first line of support is the police liaison officer you already have.

Would definitely recommend contacting those above charities

No advice but so sorry to read this and I wish you and your family all the best, your dd was so brave!

I would tell her. My grandad abused my sister, also abused me but I didn't realise because they never asked or explained it to me.

thanks everyone for your advice and kind words
x

Have you a psych for your daughter/family? They give great advice on how to broach this topic with siblings.

You need to tell her the truth. I would be very surprised if he didn’t abuse her too.