How long do wait for husband to decide if he wants you or not

[Mango234]

About 4 weeks ago, my husband told he no longer loves, fed up with the lack of sex and does even give me a 2nd thought most of time. This is the 2nd time he has told me this, the last time was last Summer when we ended up in marriage counselling. We moved house not long after counselling and things have gone down hill since then. Husband admits he is depressed and bored with life and confused as to what he wants. But he does nothing to help himself just drifts from one day to the next. Wont go to the GP as he says anti depressants do not work. But depression aside, he has never been very loving towards to me, he says he cares about me but that's because I am the mother of his kids who are teenagers. He openly admits he does not give me a 2nd thought when he is at work or out with his mates or visiting his best friend who lives 3 hours away. He admits he has taken me for granted and has shown me little support in life through out years which has taken its toll on me as a person. He has made a huge deal about the lack of sex in our marriage but I find it difficult to be intimate with someone who ignores me most of the time. He said he kinda understands that but I am not sure he really gets it. We have had sex twice since he told he did not love me which I now see as a stupid thing to do, because he got want he wanted but still continues to ignore me and has given me no indication as to whether he wants to try and save our marriage or that he has some feeling for me. I feel I am living in limbo, just waiting for him to make his made whether he wants a relationship with me or not. Hence my heading how long do I wait? If we split up we cant sell the house for another 18 months due to being tied in with our mortgage so would have to come up with some kind of arrangement living together which will be very hard but at least I will know its definatlely over can start planning for my own future. But how long would you be prepared wait to know? I have no other family or no close friends so I am completely on my own with this. Thanks reading this far.

Like most people on here I wouldn't wait I'd tell him you're not happy and it's over.
Unless you are happy but it doesn't sound like it.
You deserve to be happy.
If my OH said he doesn't give me a second thought I'd be out of that relationship. It hurts at first but it'll get better. You deserve to be on your partners mind. You and the kids should be his priority in everything he does.
And if you aren't then it's not worth holding on.

It is over.

Yes the practicalities of splitting up are awkward.

Why would DD lose her dad? Would he go off an never see her again? 50:50 childcare is fairly normal.

As for money, you might have to go full time, get a lodger or Dh has to live somewhere horrible and cheap until you can sell at a profit.

Or he can move in with his girlfriend. He has followed all the early parts of the cheater's script so this seems the most logical next step.

Yes, this does seem heading that way.

OP, this is over, please don't waste time waiting for him, he's not going to commit to what you want.

Bugged that for a bag of monkeys! I'd make his mind up for him and kick him out, how dare he play mind games 😡

I think you are struggling as he is successfully making this your fault.

The reality is he could be nice to you. Saying the cause is lack of sex is just blaming you. Why does he think he has to have sex to make him kinder to you. That makes it sound as if your only value is as a sexual partner.

Your confidence is no doubt low so can see why you are reacting as you are but if you stand back and look at the situation, why would you tolerate this?

If he is hanging on its probadly only because he hasn't quite lined up someone else.

Decide you deserve better. That is not selfish, it is very positive as your DC need a mentally strong mum.

Hello @BiBabbles
Reading your reply I am interested in you being the one that is currently my husband.
He has been gone 7 weeks now but still says he loves me. He behaviour spiralled when he first left a whole month of unhealthy life style choices. Since then has realised his head is a mess. He started councelling last night.
I am struggling to keep my emotions under control being the one that has been left with 2 small children.
But it is clear he does not want me to end this but has said it isn't fair for him to ask me to wait. Whenever I am supportive to him or give him anything positive like spending time together as a family he just becomes so much better in himself but he still hasn't come back as has said he needs to sort himself out. As soon as I feel low & anger & vent any of this to him it all just goes shit again.
He literally is making me play a waiting game but I just can't right now make the decision to say I'm gone because I am not ready to move on. There feels like there is still so much between us both & I can see he isn't ok mentally.
Advice needed

Oliver8415 you should start your own thread on the Relationships board to get the support that you need. You can just copy and paste from this one into a new one. I really recommend that you do that.

A couple doesn’t have to ‘wait’ for each other to sort out feelings. They work together. If your husband is not working with you on the relationship, there is no way to save it.

Its hard I know but you have to face thats its over - he is stringing you along.

My exh did that to me - he left me for OW then decided he wasnt sure what he wanted and for a few months i thought he wanted to work it out until i woke up!!! . The limbo was awful in hindsight i should have taken control and realised he didnt love me as you dont treat people you love that way...

Ex did this too. Kept me hanging on. He couldn’t possibly move out either, so he says.

Of course he can move out. There are ways and you could look at reducing the mortgage or just keeping it going for 2 years. Honestly him on his own he could rent a room or flat. My ex kept using this an excuse.

He doesn’t love you or respect you OP. But he probably doesn’t want to leave. He’s just not thinking of you. Why would he want to put himself in a difficult position? Because he’s not really respecting your life and need to break up at all.

Go and see a solicitor and ask him to also. Draw up assets and they can really help finding a way of dividing it up. Mediation if it helps but it can be a bit useless practically. Depends who you get.

I’d do it now even if you are unsure as there is nothing that will shock him more to what he is losing than you acting decisively and refusing to be a mug. I was a mug. He started cheating on me and then his whole family involved in a smear campaign. It was awful. It will only get worse I’m afraid.

Why do you have to wait? Why don't you take the reins and say it's over to him? After all he's not treating you very nice at all. Dithering about his feelings like that. He doesn't deserve you!

You don’t wait , you tell him it’s over and get a bit of self respect fgs.