Leaving my husband because we have no relationship?

[youmaynowchangeyourname]

Has anyone left their marriage because they were lonely? My husband is a workaholic and I am the mother of his children and his housekeeper. We don’t do anything together unless I arrange it. We don’t have sex. Any sex that happened since our 2 children came along was instigated by me and then I got so fed up of feeling unattractive I stopped.

I have a rather lovely life from the outside. As my husband has been so successful at work I can buy things I like, eat out, holidays. I am pretty much free to come and go as I please as he comes home and works. I have lots of lovely friends. He is a nice guy, well liked and good with the kids. But I am way down his list of priorities. Work always comes first, then the children then me. He has hurt me many times over the years forgetting important things, not showing interest in my life and putting work above my health and well-being. It is not uncommon for him to walk out of the room when I am in mid sentence. When he is working I am not allowed to talk to him but as he works so much it becomes difficult as I sometimes I need to have family conversations with him. He said he would address his workload this year but if anything it has been worse.

If I were to ask to separate I would devastate our children, him and probably my in laws. But I have asked many times over the years for him to make more effort and nothing changes. He was supposed to go to counselling this year but hasn’t.

All of our good conversations are about the children. I fear in another 10 years they will have their own lives and we will have nothing left between us.

I have friends who are on their own and they caution me against thinking the grass is greener. But I think I would be happier with my independence and not having to clean up after, cook for and think for a fourth person. When he goes away for work my life is easy and happy. But I acknowledge that this is different to being permanently alone. I have no idea how our lives would work if we separated as he works so much I don’t know when he would have the children.

I wish I could shine a light into my future. Do I stay, do right by the kids, enjoy the perks and accept that we will probably go our separate ways when I am in my mid 50s. Or do I take a risk that I could find happiness alone now? We spent some time together earlier this year without the kids and I have never felt so lonely.

Looking at where you will be in five or 10 years is a good starting point.
Book some sessions with a therapist and explore.
His parents don't get to decide your life

This is telling

When he goes away for work my life is easy and happy.

So you can have that all the time once you 've journeyed the whole process

I suppose I worry that as it is always finite it is not real.

You assume that by staying with him you are 'doing right by the kids'. I don't agree with this. You DC may not think anything is wrong because its what they are used to, but do you want them growing up thinking this is a normal, healthy and loving relationship? Where the father is a workaholic who spends no time with his family, and the mother is a glorified housekeeper?
I left my ex of 17 years with 2 youngish kids. We are so much happier now. There is no atmosphere in the house and I'm not walking on eggshells. A happy mother is a better mother.
I'm not saying its been an easy ride and the first year was very hard. Being a single mother is also hard but I wouldn't change anything now.

I can see some parallels between your situation and mine as it was 10-15 years ago when our kids were young. My wife was preoccupied with trying to set up businesses, none of which ever lived up to her unrealistic expectations, her involvement with the kids was intermittent and not always supportive and punctuated by irrational bouts of anger over small issues which placed on severe strain on all of us. I decided to stay together for the sake of the kids but I thought we'd split when they were grown up. Which was a good decision because as time went on things improved. Her attitude to the kids became much more understanding as they grew up and the bouts of anger became fewer and less intense. So things can change, though in our case we continued to have sex regularly even when things were difficult and I would not say I ever felt lonely when I was with my wife without the kids. It's a difficult decision and you need to weigh the risks of leaving against the possibility that things could get better in future.

I do wonder what sort of role model I am.

He is a nice guy

Go on...

Work always comes first, He has hurt me many times over the years forgetting important things, not showing interest in my life and putting work above my health and well-being.

He doesnt sound very nice...

It is not uncommon for him to walk out of the room when I am in mid sentence.

He's horrible and he doesn't give a shit about you. Plan/act accordingly. Don't assume that he'll stick around once the children are grown and child maintenance/settlement is off the table.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You are getting something out of this so what is it?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

Do you want to teach your children that what is basically a loveless marriage is their norm too?. It’s no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

Slightly different position but if you do decide to entrap yourself until the children are old enough to understand / leave home etc, you must build a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around your husband. This in turn will provide you with confidence and assurance that you can manage perfectly well without him and you will hopefully have an expanded circle of friends to support you. ... which in turn may enable you to realise that your children will be perfectly okay without your husband around because you are strong and an excellent role model in all sorts of ways.

It sounds like you don't work? How old are your dc?

If this were me, first step in plan would be getting a job to fit around school hours. I would then work on building up savings and confidence and, once I had enough financially that I knew I could afford to rent somewhere or take over the mortgage if it came to it, I'd ask him for a divorce. If you divorced you'd end up with half the equity or the house itself. You'd have to be prepared for him not seeing the dc though as it sounds like he'd continue to prioritise work.

It’s more carelessness and overlooking things than anything out and out horrible. But I grew up in a house where I was punished and put down and then went on to have 2 violent relationships so maybe my bar is not in the right place. Certain anniversaries are very hard for me but these are forgotten. If I remind him I will get a bunch of flowers but I stopped reminding.

What I get mostly is a very comfortable lifestyle and a lot of freedom. I used to think him spending money on me was his language of love but now I wonder if I am being compensated for the lack of care and attention. I know other people think I am very lucky and in a good position. But he can be selfish and passive aggressive. I don’t know what sort of example we set the kids. He tells me that he loves me but I realised a long time ago that if I stopped volunteering information about myself he would not remember to ask. So test results, big meetings at work etc will pass without comment. I have tried to tell him that I feel ignored and not valued and he simply threw it back to me saying I never asked him about his day or supported him. Which is just untrue. I described to my friend what my husbands perfect marriage would be and she said it sounded like I was a housewife from the 1950s.

I do work but it’s a pittance really. We have discussed me giving up as our lives were much easier when I didn’t (I could do everything else whereas now he has to do more) but I don’t want to give up as it feels like at least the beginnings of independence and a career. I definitely sacrificed my career to allow him to study and go far. Our children are at private school and I fear them losing that. The state schools where I live are good but I wouldn’t want them to have to leave what they know because of my actions.

I am so lucky with my friends. I have very active social life because I am free to do pretty much what I want. It is my friends that have supported me through bereavement and illness.

I honestly don’t know what he would do about the kids if we split. I suspect he would make changes to spend time with them.

My whole lifestyle is funded by the work that he puts first and so over the years I have put up and let him have his way over things. There are only 2 occasions I can recall when I put my foot down over big decisions and both times there was a big row. Normally I just compromise as I feel like he has the money and the power. I think my attitude towards him from the start was not right. I loved him and looked up to him and thought I was lucky to have him. I didn’t think I brought anything to the table. I had looks but 2 children and illness pretty much took care of that though I have managed to keep myself in good shape.