Boyfriend changed mind about kids

[user1483877408]

My partner and I have been in a relationship for over 8 years, in this time we've gone through a lot. We've been long distance during uni, and then again when he moved away to gain experience in his industry. I've supported him through these times both emotionally and financially.

We bought a house together last year, it's bigger than we need right now as kids were part of our future. That's what I thought until 2 weeks ago when he dropped the bombshell that right now he doesn't want children. He is a massive overthinker, he had an awful childhood and essentially was abandoned by both of his parents when he was a teen.
He says this plays a part in some of his decision, but he also worries if it'll change our relationship having a child. And he says that my lack of motivation to exercise is another thing he worries about, how I'll feel about myself when I have a baby. He's been having these thoughts for the past 6 months and I'm upset that he hasn't come to me sooner than he has. And it's really playing on my mind.

I feel so torn, I don't want to end my relationship with him because I love him and he's an amazing person. However I want to have children in the future, he says he isn't dead set on not having them. However I don't want to get to the point where I'm ready to have a baby and he still doesn't want them. We are both 25, which is why I hope he may change his mind within the next 5 years.

Right now I feel so lost, like my entire future has been taken away from me. I don't want to split up with him, lose my home and have to move back in with my parents. And I'm so angry at the same time that he's held this for so long. I think if he proposed to me today I'd say no, as I don't want to go through an divorce when he decides he doesn't want children.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, I don't want to tell my parents and my best friend will tell other people so I can't trust her.

Run its course*

I agree with Enclume.
Even if he does not realise it, his commitment is starting to unravel. It’s not that unusual for a man in his mid twenties to have other priorities and for his outlook to be shifting. My interpretation of the exercise equipment issue, is that he sees you being half hearted and lackadaisical about a project you wanted to undertake. I’m sorry but that is a worrying sign because he is questioning what he thinks of you.

@Meowington after 36 years child free, living a pretty fantastic life involving travel and beaches and lots of fun, I’d have to say this last year and half with my daughter have beaten all the rest. Having done both, motherhood definitely tops childfree life for me. I’m glad your happy but you have no way of knowing how children could affect you until you have them. Oh and my relationship is about 10x stronger as well, which I was not expecting.

Some things jumped out at me

I don't know who else would care about me like he does.
Well, no you don't because you have been cloistered in one relationship all your short adult life, so you haven't learned how to date and how many lovely lovely men there are out there (especially still single in mid-twenties).

I am trying to untangle the issues he has, as I suspect there are underlying problems from his childhood
Are you a psychotherapist? If so, stop, don't treat a family member. If not, stop playing saviour. If he wants to untangle himself he can and must do so himself.

We bought a house together last year
I don't want to ... lose my home and have to move back in with my parents
Buy him out and get lodgers. Or sell up and buy your own place with your share.

It is very common for people with bad childhoods to decide to not have children. Many reasons underlie this. It is often rational and reasonable. It is not a deficiency of his to be untangled and fixed.

So you helped him get where he is today - and he doesn't want to share the spoils.
Having a baby would mean having to not only support YOU financially but also a child who would have a right to 'his' money for at least 18 years.
He's projecting his shit onto you, trying to make out that his change of mind is your fault somehow, that's why he's mentioned exercising.
Now that he's secure and comfortable, suddenly you are not good enough/making enough of an effort/don't share his values.

Why woukd you have to go to ypur parents? You have a job yes? So buy him out or sell up and go rent or buy elsewhere.

He is not the only person who can or will.live you.

He is the only person who can seek.his own therapy to deal with his childhood. Urge him to do that if you want to wait before deciding.
You cannot rescue or save him.
Stop looking into his issues and look into you. What do you really want?

The exercise thing is a red flag. Why is he so o dressed with your weight?

Tho it s good to.do.something for you e.g. walking grouos hiking c25k yoga Pilates join a choir....

@user1483877408

I'm pleased you have had such a great experience of motherhood. Reading these boards tells us thats not always the case, and there are many people who resent having children or who hate it.

You are exactly right that you have no way of knowing how children could affect you until you have them - you didn't know, you could have hated it. You took a gamble that we're not all willing to take.

I've seen this one before, OP. Where a couple have been together a long time, and someone (usually the man), suddenly moves the goalposts.

Unfortunately, IME, it's a passive-aggressive way of finishing a relationship, whilst retaining the "Mr Nice Guy" image. Pulling a shitty trick, so you are forced to make the decision, when it's actually him who wants out. It's spectacularly crap behaviour, and not compatible with a good relationship (ie shitty communication, lack of emotional investment, not caring about your needs).

Sorry.