Hurt

[Nanajj]

Today 10:48 Nanajj

I am an easy going person ,not gave much thought what people think of me ,and I not one for judging others ,I get on with nearly everyone I meet,I class myself as a likeable person and I am not a jealous person ,I trust everyone.
A few months ago it changed
My grandkids were watching something on their tablet ,and ping a message came through on messanger "hows you ,hows the grandkids?" Wtf is this ? Next thing I know whole message disappeared. I messaged my other half, oh that was someone I knew years ago when I worked on the taxis ,I assumed he ment worked with ,then he added shes a nutter and an awhole, dont ask me why but I had an off feeling about it so I asked again who it was then asked were you seeing her ,he admitted that he did , now this was 27 years ago before I met him ,I knew what he was like he told me ,he had been married before me and this person was an affair he says lasted 2 weeks
Anyway he told me she had got in touch with him a couple of months before hand he replied to her he said he briefly said he was married and we had our grandkids staying with us and that was it he deleted the message and didnt tell me ,so i messaged her and asked why she after 27 years decided to look my husband up and engage in conversation knowing hes married ,what was she wanted she then started to try and play with my head saying he contacted her ,wanting to meet up ,then said he hadn't done anything wrong it was her ,I told her never to contact my husband again
Now because of this I feel betrayed ,hurt and lost trust in someone who was my rock ,we had the most amazing marriage anyone would ask for always supportive my best friend ,my soulmate now I feel I have lost all that in second ,
He said there was not intentions nothing he just answered and thought nothing of it ,I asked why he hid it from me and lie about who she was ,he said he was very embarrassed and he didnt want me to know that he was an ashole before he met me
It has made me question everything AIBU
It has been nearly 3 months now and I cant stand this feeling that I have ,I want us to get back to how we were but I just dont know if I can forgive ..
Please help how can I get over this

If the rest of your marriage is good I would be inclined to believe him. He answerd in good faith then realised I would bring up a whole load of shit. So deleted it

I am also inclinded to believe him since the messages pop up on a tablet that others use

However, the fact that he jumped straight to telling you she was crazy etc would suggest that he believed she would tell you something you dont know. Wether that's from the past or more recent.

I dont think you will get past it until you know the truth about why he called her crazy and what she could tell you, that you dont know.

So your husband had an affair with this woman during his previous marriage, and now he's with you he's messaging her again? How long have you been together?

We have been together nearly 20 years married for 11, he said she messaged him 1st asking if it was the person she knew he said he answered it was he was married and we raise our 2 grandchildren ,he said he thought he made it clear I cant check as he deleted the messages we have always had an honest relationship he doesn't hide his phone I know all passwords i know where he is all the time he calls me 10-15 times day he goes to work comes home ,but this has got my mind thinking all stupid stuff he said he had no intention of anything the second message he sent he didnt reply too he just deleted it do I believe everything he said but my argument is if he wasnt not interested or had any intention why did he answer her

I can see why you're suspicious, but the messages you saw weren't flirty, is that right? She was asking about his grandchildren? That's really not a come-on. Him trying to hide it is potentially a bit odd, but maybe he was just silly enough to hide it from you as he didn't want you to worry?

How is he otherwise, has he been acting weird in any way?

Not weird in any way ..but I think maybe he had no intention, but what was hers affairs start with conversations am I over thinking in the 20 years we have been together I have never once doubted him 99% of me believes him I actually dont care that he was seeing her it was before we met we all have a past mine is more chequered than his but it's the fact he didnt trust me enough to tell me

I still keep in touch with my last bf occasionally - I have no intention at all of getting back together with him, but he is quite fun and we sometimes send each other a stupid joke. Sometimes I mention this to my current bf: I do that deliberately so that he knows I'm being open with him. But actually it can feel a bit forced bringing the subject up; normally I'd have no reason to mention that I'd sent a funny cat picture to a friend. Mentioning it makes it sound more important than it is. Perhaps your dh just thought it was easier not to mention it; I wouldn't see it as him not trusting you. In this scenario, from an outsider's POV, you are the one who's not trusting someone.

My bf also occasionally mentions that he's spoken to an ex-gf (he has many ). There is one I think he suits much better than he does me. But me being suspicious of him is not going to change his actions. If he started messing me around, not showing up when he said, suddenly being inexplicably busy, being all secretive and nasty, that would set the alarm bells ringing. As long as yours is being nice and reliable I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks for the advice thanks to everyone who has answered I guess I am overthinking I guess tho it hurt that he didnt trust me enough to say an old fling had got intouch he said he was scared of my reaction but if he had told me instead of lying who she was at 1st I dont think I would have reacted the way I did or feel the way I do is it more about his trust in me or mine in him ?

He had brief chat with an ex. That's it really.

He shod have mentioned it. But he decided not to.

I am sure if he had told you, you would be still asking why she bothered getting in touch.

It's not something I would do. But it's something alot of people do.

Their affair was years ago. I think you need to see this for what it is. An old ex sent upon a message he responded. But didnt keep the chat going. Decided it might upset you and, wrongly, decided a few minutes if chat wasnt worth any upset.

The fact that these messages all so pop up on a shared tablet, implies that he didnt intend to carry on chatting to her and hide it.

Honestly, I'd let this one go. Doesn't sound like he was up to anything or had any intention.

Just block her on his messenger

If it was just an ex, rather than someone he had an affair with, would you feel different?

Why is your husband calling 15 times a day?

I have no idea if or what has happened with them two, however if you hadn’t have seen that message pop up, you’d still be none the wiser about their contact.

But it’s the 15 calls a day that stood out for me!

He has always called me alot sometimes it's to say ,I love you, sometimes it's to rant at what's happen at work or just general chat sometimes its video call why would that stand out for you ??

I'm not sure I see the diffrence between ex and affair so I think I would still have felt the same it's great to see everyone option tho its helped alot