Would you be pissed off at this? Toxic family issue

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

I'm NC with a family member as they are toxic. This upsets my mum but she accepts, sort of, that this is my decision.
Yesterday was her birthday and the NC person was pissed off that my mum was not available at the time they wanted her to be as I'd said months ago I was taking her out for a meal. It was a significant birthday and it's been known about for, well, years. NC was really pissed off as was at work most of the day and declined to see mum after the meal because she had to get up early the next day. The meal was at 5 so hardly late. She said if she'd known she'd have booked the day off
Mum had agreed to babysit tonight for me to take dd2 to an event. I'm a single parent and never get time with just her so was really looking forward to time with just her. It's an award event locally and she's been chosen to go. Mum forgot she was babysitting my other 2 children and arranged to see the NC person. On realising she said she couldn't change it as NC would never forgive her and that she'd have to take the dc to her house and see the NC person there with them.
Now, I don't want my dc to have anything to do with this person and for very good reason. I've requested she stop sending them gifts as at Christmas she accused via mum of me not passing them on the children. She has ignored my request and so the dc have to make contact to say thank you otherwise she'll be moaning to mum that I've not given the gifts to them. Recently she's taken to asking mum to give the gifts directly to the dc knowing I've asked her not to.
So, tonight I have had to change plans. Luckily there are extra seats and I can take my other 2 dc with us but it was supposed to be the child and one parent and for dd2 and me some time together without the others. It will be a late night for them too as we won't get home until 9ish and the youngest is only 4 and is in bed at 7.30 usually.
Would you be pissed off? Mum is going to say I'm being ridiculous as she always does but remaining NC with this person is important or my mental health and I don't want the children exposed to her either. How would you handle this?

Definitely clamp down on DM giving presents directly to DC as this is highly disrespectful and manipulative.

Unfortunately I don't think there's much point hoping your mum will be supportive/respectful of your choice to go NC.

I think you have done the right thing to change plans and ensure DC don't end up with NC. It must be a very difficult situation to be in, as it sounds like you want to maintain this relationship with your mum, who isn't respecting your feelings.

Re: presents. NC has gained ground by minipulating you via your mum, forcing you to do something you're not comfortable with. I think you'll need to be more blunt with mum when saying no. It doesn't matter about NC moaning, that's your mum's situation to deal with. You're not having anything to do with NC anymore which includes having to hear about them moaning via your mum!

It is going to be difficult to maintain a good relationship with your mum unless she starts respecting your boundaries. She doesn't have to like them, but if she wants a relationship with you, she has to accept them.

So faced with the choice of disappointing you or NC she chose to disappoint you.

I wonder how many other times that choice has been made in your favour?

I'm a parent who's dc are not in contact with each other and it's very difficult. I understand why one dc does not want contact, the other dc has behaved very badly indeed over a long period of time. Your mum in is a difficult position and I think suggestions of cutting her out are over the top.

I'm not surprised that Nc was pissed off that your mum had made birthday arrangements with you, and none with her. I'm not surprised either she declined to visit after the meal.

I think I'm more annoyed that NC didn't tell mum until 24hrs before they they were wanting to see her and then got pissed off because mum was with me

Do you honestly not see the problem with this?Nc shouldn't have had to tell your mum they wanted to see her on her birthday, it's OBVIOUS that she would have wanted to. I would be very hurt in her shoes.

Your mum spent her birthday yesterday with you and tonight she was meant to be babysitting for you. She has not seen Nc over her birthday at all and obviously forgot about the babysitting. It's reasonable she wants to see Nc over her birthday and unfortunate she got confused.
It's a small change of plan on your part. It's not ok to make your mum feel guilty about seeing Nc today considering she spent her birthday with you.

I've requested she stop sending them gifts as at Christmas she accused via mum of me not passing them on the children. She has ignored my request and so the dc have to make contact to say thank you otherwise she'll be moaning to mum that I've not given the gifts to them

This doesn't make sense. If you don't want the gifts you simply return them. You don't pass the gifts on then have the children make contact to say thank you. This is why your mum doesn't quite get the no contact thing, because you are still having contact.

@sprouts21 the birthday dinner was planned about 6 months ago. Mum also went out for lunch with friends. NC did not bother to ascertain what mum was doing and only said she was planning on going round 24 hrs before. My family are like this- they never think that mum might have plans or a life and that she isn't able to just drop things when they say they'll visit. Mum is expected to hang around and wait for them to visit (some live far away and then it's a flying visit at that). They never ask what she's doing or if she's free, just tell her they are coming and expect her to be there. If she's busy they get all huffy.

Op some of my family members like to plan birthdays in advance and others have a more pop in with a card casual approach. It doesn't really matter. What matters here is that for whatever reason your mum didn't see Nc on her actual birthday and would like to do so tonight.

It costs you a small change of plan but means a lot to your mum. I would change plans and accept your mum got confused.

Yes it's a relatively small change of plan. One that leaves my dd2 disappointed that she no longer gets one on one time with me, ds being kept out way past his bedtime, dd1 unable to complete her homework as we have to leave early. Whereas mum honouring her commitment would have meant none of that but she's too scared of upsetting NC to say anything. Even though the fault would all be mine anyway 🙄
NC is taking mum away for a weekend soon to celebrate her birthday, other family members are doing similar at different times. It's a big family and operates on doing things at the exclusion of others. No family parties here!

NC is taking mum away for a weekend soon to celebrate her birthday

Op this is a bit different to your other posts that suggest that Nc can't be bothered with your Dm. It's really unfortunate your Dm has double booked but she has. You can still go to the event and I would reframe it as it's an exciting night out for all the children.

On a regular basis they don't bother much at all, no. It's lovely they are making an effort for this special birthday though.

Well, it was an exercise in torture with ds who struggling to sit still and is now overtired. We've only just got home so far too late for him. At least I'll know for next year if dd is invited again. This is the part of being a single parent that sucks. I love it generally but times like this are hard because you feel forced to choose between your children's needs and someone is going to draw the short straw. Tonight it was ds. Ah well, all done now and time for bed.