I met my OH after not much success on the dating front, and we hit it off and escalated things very quickly. He had a lot of history which he was upfront about most of at the beginning. He suffers MH issues, and degenerative discs, which combined he takes a lot of medication for.
When he was younger he contracted mumps (born during the MMR scare in the 80's, was not vaccinated) and was sterilised as a result. Because of this now any partner he had would have had to go through IVF to conceive. His stuff is on ice in a clinic nearby.
I found out some time into the relationship that OH is an alcoholic, connected to the MH issues. He has now been sober for 6 months and hails me as his saviour and the reason for his sobriety (as do his family) Because of this he has been in the care of an alcohol charity and lives in a subsidised property, but a condition of this is that he cannot be employed. He is coming to the end of his time with the charity and we have talked for a while about him coming to live with me and getting a job. As it is at the moment we spend most time at his because he can't drive.
So.... now to me.... I am 33 and I have worked away from home on projects for five years, long before I met OH. I love my job, I'm successful, people respect me, and I'm generally getting on in life. OH hates it. Just recently he has started being quite assertive in our nightly conversations, telling me how can I possibly consider continuing to work away with the fact that we need to have IVF soon or we will run out of time? (the county I live in is 36 maternal age, the county he lives in is 37) He also says he is struggling to cope with me being away all the time.
He thinks I'm not taking it seriously (the IVF cut off) and am actively trying to find delays and diversions to avoid making a decision. It came to a head tonight and I had to be quite direct with him and say "yes love, I do enjoy my job, that does not mean I enjoy being away from you" and "yes I'm terrified of making the conscious decision to become a parent, I'd much rather nature made that decision for me, but we are where we are but no I can't give you a definitive answer right now" he thinks I'm avoiding the situation but it's far more complex than that. I totally understand his fears about being an old dad and us running out of time, but I wish he'd understand I'm scared too.
Another part of me thinks he suspects I may very well duck out of becoming a parent altogether and leave him without a partner, in which case I have a very slight suspicion he is trying to guilt trip me into leaving the relationship. This is a very slight fear but it did cross my mind. Obviously then that loads the guilt at my doorstep for any deterioration in his mental health.
The truth is I don't know what to do right now. I have three years in which to get to the top of my game at work, lose three stone, get married, visit all the places i want to see then start IVF. I know there will be a whole lot of "there is a life after children, you know" but I'm the sort of person who goes to a pub or on holiday and can't stand that there's kids there. Sorry mums. Until very recently I was not the maternal type. I've become aware my body clock is ticking, but it's just scary knowing I HAVE to make the jump to leaving my job and suchlike.
I'm trying to make OH understand that relationships are about sacrifice sometimes and I'm willing to make that sacrifice, I just need to plan and make sure everything's in place and we are going to be financially secure, etc but he is convinced I am going to resent him and any children we might have for putting a stop to my dreams (not my thoughts)
Just wondering if anyone has any gems of wisdom for me, I'd prefer encouraging conversation as I'm alone in a hotel room miles from home and have no one to turn to. Thanks lovelies xxx