New husband walked out

[Emma234]

Hi,
Was looking for some advice on what you think is going on, what I should do next etc..
Got married last year, after a few short months my new husband and father of my 1 year old walked out. It was so weird, no argument, just talking normally laughing and joking then suddenly, ‘I can’t do this anymore’ packed his stuff and left to go to his parents. I just don’t get it, the day couldn’t have been more normal and then he was gone.. and like that my world changed.
When he first left I begged him to tell me what he was feeling, that we should talk, make me understand when we are so happy (I mean the whole ‘you hang up, no you’ situation) how suddenly he could just do this, there was no other woman, I just don’t get it.
From his point of view our relationship was great, he went to work like most ppl, I was on maternity leave but due back to PT work within the month, did everything around the house and for him and his other children (my step children) both then and whilst I was working FT before our LO.
We didn’t have a lot of money, always a pain making sure we could pay stuff each month but a lot of ppl are like that with young kids, the situation was improving, we were getting our life back after a baby etc.
He was diagnosed with depression last year but his parents don’t believe the diagnosis, which is really helpful when he does whatever they say so now he also doesn’t believe it, when he did before and was taking tablets for it 🙄
Since he’s left, he had point blank refused to speak to me, no contact at all, only emails me about not paying certain bills and such like. Ignores my efforts to see our son, doesn’t reply when he’s ill..
I found out I was pregnant, since had a miscarriage ☹️
He then files court papers for child access/50-50 custody.. he is the one that doesn’t want to see him. Whilst waiting for this, suddenly 3 months in, he wants to talk over the phone, spent 4.5 hours talking, very up and down but felt like we had got somewhere at the end, 2 days later sends me a message saying he doesn’t want to talk anymore!! 🤦‍♀️

Ended up in court 3 times, he got access - to be built upon (this is all I said in the first place) 2 months ago and nothing, ignores my emails chasing him up, recorded delivery letter etc..
I just don’t know what is going on. 6 months since he left and it’s just seems to get more crazy! How can you move on, what can you do when nothing happened in the first place..

I think you have to take the reins and actively move on. This must be incredibly painful for you when you didn’t see it coming but 6 months on he’s not giving you any answers. Do you know how his last relationship ended? Could he have form for this?

Sounds like he may need to talk to a counsellor and get treatment for depression? I’d be a bit concerned about his erratic behaviour around your child. Is there a way you can express your concerns to social services (in that it affects access and whether he can suitably supervise/look after your child - perhaps he needs supervision at least for a trial period?). Sounds really tough for you OP.

sorry for your situation .
does he have a history of depression? how long have you known him?

I think you need to find a counsellor and find some peace for yourself. The way he is treating you in appauling, heal yourself before you try to help him.

Stop chasing him and I would not want my child left alone with him in this state. Go radio silent or through solicitors if you need something legal done. He is not in a good place and needs professional help. Your bombardment of e mails and recorded letters will not help him at all.

Sorry you have had to go through all this.

It's not your job to fix him. Nobody can do that but him. Stop chasing him up and concentrate on building up your life with your son.
Easier said than done I know but speaking from experience with a depressed partner you can twist yourself in knots trying to help but it won't make a difference.

I betcha his parents are pushing for 50/50 custody. He sounds very unreliable so you've gotta plan a new life now, unfortunately. Best of luck OP

@alwaysgrey, he always told me his last wife (mother of his other children) asked him to leave as she had already moved on and didn’t want to be with him anymore, now I’m not sure if this is true or if it is, if it really affected him.. ☹️ thanks for your reply x

@Namenic he was getting help through therapy sessions before his parents told him he didn’t have depression, then it all stopped. I raised my concerns in court and he was told to get a doctors report.. so this is where it gets worse, he went to the the doctor (completely random one, not the one that diagnosed him or knew his situation) he told the doctor he felt absolutely fine now he had left me, I was the cause of it all etc, and the doctor just basically wrote down what he told them and he brought that to court as proof he was fine! I stuck to my guns and said it was ridiculous because there was no evaluation, no mention of what had happened At the diagnosis etc and told them I wanted supervised access first of all.. I only got as far as 2 x contact centre sessions before unsupervised but like I said, now he hasn’t even done that. The concerning thing is, he was making comments about suicide etc at the time of diagnosis but the court didn’t want to hear it.
This has by far been the worst 6 months of my life, I’m just forever waiting for his next move. Thanks for your reply x

@bluebell34567 we’ve been together 7 years, knew him for a year before that, I thought it all stemmed from his ex partner and how he told me he was treated as he has always been very up and down but not to the same extent as recent.
I’m not sure what to believe anymore. Thanks for your reply x

@ginswinger I was thinking this last night, I feel like I just can’t move on as it’s always something, I don’t want my LO to suffer so I’m going to look into it, I feel so so sad and I don’t want to get to the point where I’m ill. Thanks for your reply x

@justasking111 thanks, I know I felt so strongly about LO not being left alone with him but I’m helpless with what the court ordered, I can understand he’s ill to a point but why are his parents going along with this! I always had a good relationship with his mum especially.
I understand my emails, letter etc.are probably not helping him mentally and I really wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt him but because the whole thing has been so weird and he lied in court saying I had stopped him seeing our LO, So i had to prove I’ve been trying to Arrange contact since the court order so he couldn’t do the same again, I’ve been waiting for his next invite to court to blame me!
Thanks for your reply x

@PandaPantaloon thanks, sorry you have been through that with your partner.
I know, I haven’t contacted him since the letter and don’t plan to, just wanted to prove I’ve done what I can do he couldn’t manipulate the situation again.
I feel like I’ve got no control of anything so can’t move on, he won’t speak about anything. Thanks for your reply x

There are a number of possibilities here.
Two of them are:

1. He has bipolar disorder and his parents are enabling his treatment avoidance. This could explain references to "up and down" moods with severely erratic behaviour;
2. He's just a bit of a twunt and he actually left the ex, under similar circumstances. Pursuing custody to be a twunt, didn't win, so petulantly refuses to engage with visitation.

Which of the above looks closer to your situation?

@EKGEMS yes I’m pretty sure they are, at least the court finally seen that wasn’t for the best.. i will wait my next visit, I’m sure he’ll take me back there in a few months.
I’m trying to do things to rebuild our life, just he seems always close by to put a pin in anything! Thanks for your reply x

@PicsInRed I think unfortunately it’s number 1 for sure. When he first left I went to see his therapist and she said from what I told her (the truth!) he has something like this..

He keeps alluding to passed things that he said happened with his ex, like he’s trying to get revenge through me.
It’s so hard to deal with x

You need to disengage as much as possible. All communication should be in writing and when he lies, you can refute his claims.

I have no idea what is going on with him but whatever it is don’t let it rob you of your life.

Let him go.

@AgentJohnson I am really trying x

He might never start contact. The longer he fails to comply with court orders himself the stronger a position you are in.

He has abandoned you. Your relationship was never healthy anyway, you describe how you did everything even the step-childcare when times were supposedly good. It wasn't good.

No more 4.5hr phone calls. No more phone calls.

Brief email noting his lack of response and asking him to send you his contact arrangements proposal should he decide he wants to go ahead with the court ordered contact with his child. Then do nothing.

Keep a folder of all your prior attempts to get him to start the contact. Make a record of every email or call should you have any. Don't jump to his tune when he contacts you.

If you aim to get him fully out of your life asap you will be happier in the long run. He is clearly not going to be a healthy influence on your child.

Let it be easy for him to continue the ghosting.

@TowelNumber42
You are right, the relationship was always one sided, but I knew that and knew that was my life and accepted it for what it was, I can’t and wouldn’t use that as a reason as I would have never walked away unless it was abusive or cheating etc and from his point of view he ‘had it all’ I’m really trying to start again but I’m finding it so difficult because he’s so irrational and unreasonable you don’t know what’s coming next. We have a house together too which is another area he’s refusing to discuss. I just want it all dealt with so there’s no reason for anymore contact but I will definitely try what you have suggested. x

Get a shit hot lawyer.

I'm very sorry to hear that, OP.
Unfortunately a treatment avoidant bipolar sufferer is not going to be in an position to adequately care for a child.

I would document everything, keep all texts and emails etc, and as a PP said, get yourself an excellent solicitor with view to child arrangements.

he blamed the previous partner and now you for his disorder. in fact he is the one who has the problem.
his family dont want any label on him but he sounds bipolar.
your son will never benefit from him as a father, he is far away the better.
i dont think he will make a move, dont wait. he is playing with your mind.
act asap on the sale of the house.
move on, if possible to another town or city.
you can get help from womens aid. they can get the best lawyer for you.
you worth lots better, you sound a very nice person.

This must be bloody awful for you OP. I’m so sorry.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.
I was a strong person before all this and I am trying to get back there.
I love my step children like my own and after caring for them for so long, being away from them and having no contact alone is playing very heavily on me as well as everything else!
Luckily my LO is young enough not to understand, I’ll keep trying to do my best by him and hope things improve soon.
Again thank you for listening x