Finally LTB but he came back and won't go

[outofservice]

H left on Thursday night, completely unsupportive after I had a problem at work and after 10 days of him being horrible I told him to leave.
The next few days were difficult, juggling work and a poorly kid and he'd taken the car but I managed and then when I was at work on Tuesday, he moved back in and won't leave (joint mortgage)
Where do I go from here?
I have started an application for universal credit.
Rang the bank and they won't remortgage (to buy him out) as I don't earn enough.
My kids are going into juniors and reception in September, my family are 40 miles away, I live and work in his hometown.
On Monday I hauled a big shop home and he's eating my food, started smoking and stopped going to work.
Any ideas please? TIA

Anyone?

Who’s house is it?

See a solicitor and get the house sold. Only option..
Get a lock for the fridge in the meanwhile.

Sorry, missed the bit about joint mortgage.

I’d say pack up and leave him with the kids, he’ll be begging you to come back and he’ll leave in a few days.

Start divorce proceedings

Do not leave him with the kids, that is terrible advice

I'm not sure I can afford a solicitor. What do I need to discuss with one? I'm worried he'll not look after the dc and cause me issues at work.
Will buy a fridge lock

Unfortunately he is legally as entitled to live in the house as you so the options are limited to you putting up with him if he wont leave to you moving out. You could try being as difficult as possible by not buying a lot of food but getting it on a day by day basis and not cooking for him etc etc but ultimately you will both need to come to a compromise over what will happen long term. I am not sure if you are entitled to universal credit if he has moved back in. I suggest you start to separate your finances as a first step.

I've paid the last couple of direct debits through the joint account but keeping my wages in my account.
I'm considering not paying any more whilst he's here.
I've spent a fortune on taxis taking the kids to activities/ doctors/ looking for a chemist on Sunday.
I've just paid sky, mortgage and bought the food. I'm so fed up.

Universal credit takes 6 weeks, am seriously hoping he's gone by then.

This is a dreadful situation for you. I'm not in the UK so I can't offer a legal solution as I don't know your legal system. Just letting you know that I'm thinking of you and sending you my best wishes. You sound a very switched on person as you have already looked at some possible solutions. Best of luck.

To discuss with a solicitor

• the financial situation. Gather together everything you know about the house value, mortgage, pensions, savings,debts that either of you have. Can he afford to buy you out of the house?
• what your legal options are for getting the house sold or getting him to buy you out of the house (seeing as you know you can’t afford to buy him out). What steps do you need to take.

Are you living separately - separate rooms, meals, you not doing his laundry etc? Keeping a list of what you’ve paid for?

Thank you.

Yes, living separately. Just thinking about buying biological washing power as he's allergic. Will write down spending.
I'm going to bed now, on an early shift. All advice is really appreciated.

Oh I'm sorry OP. I've had this twice. Once was easier than the other.

The first time he decided he wanted to be gay and paraded his new interests in and out of the house expecting me to pay the mortgage and bills because he was too hungover to work, but, it was still half his house, grr. I ended up putting fybogel in the orange juice he used to steal along with my food.

In the end I got a new boyfriend and gave him an ultimatum. Sell the house or you pay the bills. He smartened up his act after that.

The second one... FmL. I finally got the courage to ask exH to sod off and he refused to go, saying he'd got a bad back 🤔 sure. Every day for a week I asked him to leave and finally on Friday he went.

He came back every couple of days for a month or so in case I changed my mind and eventually stopped coming. It all went until I issued divorce papers and I got abusive messages in klingon! However, I put in all the deposit, and he couldn't afford to buy me out so it made for a straightforward split.

However in your case you need to start doing your homework, collect all papers, documents, get a solicitors free half appointment at every decent firm and so on. Someone who really knows their shit will be along hopefully soon enough.

Good luck.

Sorry to derail a serious thread but this is honestly the most batshit sentence I've read on MN: "I issued divorce papers and I got abusive messages in klingon"

I’ve not experienced this but From other threads on here, I’d be wary. Giving up work means he could maybe claim to be the resident parent, stay in the house with DC, you have to leave and pay him maintenance in divorce settlement. You can’t afford NOT to get legal advice OP (I suspect someone has given him advice of this sort) Good luck

Hi OP, similar happened to me but we weren't married. A solicitor only charged me £100 for advice.
Sadly you can't force him out of the house and if you decide to leave, you are still bound to pay half the mortgage. I would book an appointment with a solicitor and then get some valuations done on the house ASAP and put it on the market.
If he tried to be awkward about selling it, you can legally force a sale although not sure what that entails (or costs).
Could he buy you out?
Can you afford the mortgage on your own until it sells?
My ex agreed to move out if I agreed to pay the mortgage on my own until it sold. This worked for us thankfully but the house took a year and a half to sell so I was skint by the end of it.

Am feeling low today. I'm walking to work whilst he's at home. I'm worried he'll lock me out.
Will start really ringing round solicitors this afternoon.

@popehilarious

One of many batshit stories I have! I believe it translated as "you have no honour" what a wanker.

On another note. Hoping OP has been able to get some help with her current parasite situation :(

Don't worry about being locked out. The police take a dim view on this and will have a little chat with your H if need be. Been here, done that.

Can you take your kids and go to your parents and take the car? Staying with relatives shouldn’t affect your share of the house when it’s sold as you wouldn’t be considered suitably housed. How much equity is in the house? Could your parents act as guarantors on mortgage? If he quits work you won’t get much CM a few £ from benefits maybe. I would cancel anything like sky so you aren’t liable for debts he may run up and maybe look at a mortgage holiday if he stops paying bills. You need to limit your liability if he’s being difficult. A lot depends on whether there any assets worth sticking around for. If the assets are small then I would just go stay elsewhere as leaving him to fund the house is likely be the fastest thing to make him see sense. If you can’t afford to keep the house then you can get short term housing benefit while it’s sold. Can your parents help with kids? It’s so close to end of term you could just take them to their grandparents and chances are by sept he will have seen sense and want to engage in sorting out finances. What do you want long term to move to your family? Would there be school places there? It doesn’t sound like this is where you want to live anyway. I know a lot of people say don’t leave the house but my friend did, rented on benefits, ex-h got a lodger in and messed around with selling for a long time. She eventually got same share she would have got if she had stayed but avoided a lot of his bullying by taking away that control over housing and money. It was a tough 18 months on low wages and benefits but she got through it.

Just be careful op if you decide to leave and then not pay the mortgage. You still have to be pay half (unless you can mutually agree otherwise).
I'd be getting the house up for sale ASAP.

Has been a difficult few days so I thought I might have a rant.
H is still at the house, sleeping on the couch.
He didn't go to work last week and went to a solicitor on Friday. He messaged me a list of things the solicitor said I had to do, eg not talk about things with the kids, let him have the house as that would be easier, pay half of everything as I earn £3 an hour more than him (I work 16 hours, he does 45 - 60) He gets the car as their is 90% left to pay on it. He drives to work, leaves it there all day and drives home (30 min walk) I have 2 kids to get to clubs 3 nights a week and work a 50 minute walk away.
He basically sent me a list of rules when my problem with him is that he's so controlling.
He informed me as he left the house with the kids that he would be having a family day with them every Sunday. I work on a Friday and Saturday so when do I get to see them??? He's going to try and see them in the mornings and get home earlier to see them after school and then I can have them on a Saturday night. It's madness, he is a lazy parent and does the bare minimum with the kids 95% of the time. It's actually making me feel uncomfortable watching him play doting dad.
I've got a solicitors appointment on the 24th so got a bit of a wait.
Does anyone know if I can get him out of the house if I'm the one ending the relationship?
I can buy him out but don't think I'd get a mortgage in my own right. Can I just take him off the deeds??
I really want to stay in the house with the kids but he'd rather see us all out and him stay by himself.
If I leave the house I would have to move the kids school / leave the area and it would cause a lot of disruption.
I'm living with a possible psychopath and I feel like he's going to take everything.

Did book a house valuation but H didn't let him in. Have rebooked for tomorrow.

I expect he didn’t see a solicitor on Friday. He sent you a bullshit message probably based on bullshit advice gleaned off the internet.

You can now both individually or collectively make the process as difficult as possible or as easy as possible. The outcomes are unlikely to be much different and you will both spend a lot of money along the way.

Neither of you can take unilateral action in relation to the marital assets until you have both agreed how they will be divided or had that agreed for you. It sounds like you will need mediation and you may as well try it. Otherwise you will be spending £££’s on solicitors.

Right now both of you need a home and in the immediate circumstances you can share the one you have or work out an arrangement for one of you to move out. Either way you both need to agree how that will work.

For both your sanity it would be easier to live apart. But there is a risk for the person who moves out that this will impact on their negotiating position in the divorce because they usually need to sort things out quickly. That’s why you will both be told not to move out. Especially if you think the other person will be unreasonable towards you.

My advice would be to try to show him some assurance you will be reasonable, avoid replying to his “demands” and rules. Don’t make any your self. Instead try to have a sensible discussion about finances and living arrangements for the next 6 -12 months. Under what circumstances could he afford a place of his own place whilst you stay on in the home? Take account of benefits and CMS payments.

make sure your appointment is with a family solicitor and make sure if possible you take a summary of your mortgage and financial position and a list of questions .
want you need is to know your rights as you have children but what you don't want to do is run up a big solicitors bill .

Hopefully you can try and sort things through mediation .

Best of luck - try and hold out until you have the facts from your solicitor - forum advice is not always 100% accurate.