Friendship or emotional affair?

[VioletValentine]

For context, I have been in my current job for less than a year and have struck up a friendship with a married colleague. I am single, if that's important. Nothing untoward has happened between us, but it feels like the relationship is intensifying somewhat in terms of the things he is choosing to share with me.

My head is starting to swim and I would really appreciate some advice about how to identify when a friendship crosses the line and becomes an emotional affair. I need to crystallise my thoughts. I don't want to find myself in this situation and am worried I could be inadvertently falling head-first into something dangerous. I care about him a great deal.

[Allornothingnow]

You said your head is swimming. Now is the time to back off.

[Allornothingnow]

I think he has overstepped a boundary too by telling you about his marriage, health problems or no. It’s personal.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

But @VioletValentine that’s quite private stuff that he and his wife are experiencing that he’s discussing with someone she doesn’t know from Adam.

Say you have a DP right? You have two friends, Phil and Dave.

Phil is a long standing friend of many years, known to DP and mentioned to him in passing many times.

Dave is someone you work with who’s a colleague but you’ve recently got close to, DP doesn’t know him and he’s single.

Which one would you think your DP would be upset about you confiding your personal marital issues in?

Discussing your intimate relationship issues with someone of the opposite sex can be problematic but only if one party has an agenda.

I think this guy has an agenda and to be honest I think you do too.

[VioletValentine]

@Allornothingnow

Yes, I think you're right. That's a pretty good indicator.

[VioletValentine]

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

He hasn't discussed anything about marital problems though.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

@violetvalentine

You’re going to have to elaborate then as the content could be a game changer.

I know you’d said health stuff but that can span anything from terminal cancer to genital warts.

[VioletValentine]

It's cancer. On both sides.

[Robin2323]

Please step back.
You've no idea the pain this may cause.
One day it could be you.
But I would not wish that on my worse enemy.

You know you're trending on dangerous ground that's why you're asking.

Bottom line:
Would you feel ok with his wife reading / hearing your messages
/ conversations?

[StarlightIntheNight]

HE should not be sharing this information with you. RED FLAG. He must have other good friends (male), family etc. Esp you are a colleague! How unprofessional!

[Frownette]

Just get the feeling he's muddling OP as it's quite a lot of emotional pressure

[AnyFucker]

Wow, so many bitter, nasty and presumptuous women on here.

Bingo

[VioletValentine]

@AnyFucker

I've seen many of your posts on this site over the years. It must be great to be you.

[VioletValentine]

@StarlightIntheNight

Colleagues can't become friends?

[AnyFucker]

< dab dab >

[VioletValentine]

@AnyFucker

What's this? Social exclusion?

[Frownette]

Dab?

[VioletValentine]

@Frownette

A rather tragic attempt at making me feel like I'm not part of AnyFucker's domain, I suspect.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

@VioletValentine again, and I’m sorry if I’m coming across as thick or insensitive but exactly what is the situation he’s confiding in?

Is one of them terminal? Do they know the other is ill? Do they have kids?

[VioletValentine]

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Neither is terminal and they both know the other is ill. They have one child. Essentially, the physical illness is having an impact on his mental health and he is finding life difficult.

I really don't believe anything inappropriate has been said by either of us, but I'm wary of crossing a line and I want to make sure that doesn't happen.

[Mamabear12]

Colleagues can be friends. But to me it sounds like a line is being crossed. Going out in groups for lunch or drinks is fine.

[Frownette]

It doesn't actually sound like it's a friendship or an EA, just that he's being a bit of an Ancient Mariner and monopolizing your space too much.

Is he actually interfering with work?

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Yeah, at times like this it should probably be him and his wife pulling together then as opposed to him becoming distracted by you and making a bad situation worse.

90% of the replies on this thread say it bears the hallmarks of an EA so I’d guess that’s pretty clear to you how?

[Frownette]

I highly suspect AnyFucker would say it's great to be me baby, yeah (Austin Powers stylee)

Still don't know what dab means.

Anyway violet would be best to steer him off if he's using you as a sounding board too much

[VioletValentine]

Okay, I'll take the general consensus and reinforce those barriers.

Thanks to those who have given sensible advice.

[welliesarefuntowear]

Step away. My relationship is fucked because of this very scenario. You're being utterly naive and the damage it will cause will be irreparable, The reason you are getting so many responses that you are finding difficult to accept is that it shows absolutely no respect for his wife. You might not like the responses you are getting but you do need to step away and think about what you are doing here.