Friendship or emotional affair?

[VioletValentine]

For context, I have been in my current job for less than a year and have struck up a friendship with a married colleague. I am single, if that's important. Nothing untoward has happened between us, but it feels like the relationship is intensifying somewhat in terms of the things he is choosing to share with me.

My head is starting to swim and I would really appreciate some advice about how to identify when a friendship crosses the line and becomes an emotional affair. I need to crystallise my thoughts. I don't want to find myself in this situation and am worried I could be inadvertently falling head-first into something dangerous. I care about him a great deal.

[luanmapo]

I think you know it’s EA territory when he engages in that sort of chat!

Do the decent thing and back off!

[KOKOtiltomorrow]

What if she heard him telling you he didn’t want to go home and dreads the weekends..... that’s wouldn’t make you uncomfortable??? He is setting it up that his relationship is pants / excuse to cheat etc. He won’t bad mouth her as he wants to look like he’s a “decent guy” having a hard time in the relationship. You are either incredibly naive or an incredibly shit person to be getting mixed up in this.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Today he has told me that he is avoiding going home and is dreading weekends/holidays together due to the issues they are experiencing

He just has .

AS was said above "You are either incredibly naive or an incredibly shit person to be getting mixed up in this."

[fernandoanddenise]

He’s crossed a line sharing that with you. I’d say his wife would be extremely upset to know that he has.
It may not be ‘bad mouthing’ but he certainly hasn’t got her back has he???
Back away. Don’t engage and if you don’t want to be the OW, it won’t happen. You have agency do you not ?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Guess what the issues are ? Him being a cheating knob and her being unable to trust him and him chatting to a single colleague instead of to his wife

[PicsInRed]

He has reached out to me to talk about some personal issues he has and we have grown closer as a result of this

Lemme guess, the issues are to do with his wife and marriage?

Today he has told me that he is avoiding going home and is dreading weekends/holidays together due to the issues they are experiencing.

Then I read this. How did I know? Well, it's the bleeding obvious...

He has not bad-mouthed her at all, however.

He's badmouthed THEIR MARRIAGE.

You "win" this prize and he'll find another silly girl to complain to about you his relationship. He's a bad'un wearing a nice mask. His wife had the "privilege" to see behind that mask. Don't envy her, pity her ... and get away from this damaging and dangerous man.

[AnyFucker]

Your faux naivety is rather embarassingly obvious, op

[SusieOwl4]

he is slowly drawing you into his supposed marriage problems. The trouble is you wont know whether he is telling the truth or not. sound like you are being played tbh.

[Ferfeckssake]

Indeed StuffedPenguin .
Stop trying to justify yourself. You know it isn't appropriate , so just back off from him.If he was an ugly old bloke, you would not give him a chance to talk to you like this.

[TroubleWithNargles]

I'd bet my hat that there's nothing wrong with his marriage other than he fancies a bit on the side.

[SilverySurfer]

If he is discussing issues relating to his marriage with you, IMO he has overstepped the line. I find it difficult to believe that you don't know what is and is not appropriate between friends. It doesn't sound like you are averse to having an emotional affair which you should be resisting if you have any self respect and even a little empathy for his wife.

I don't believe you're confused at all and you know exactly what is happening as you said yourself that it's completely different to your friendships with other men.

If you are a decent human being step back from this.

[Bluntness100]

You fancy him. That's what's different this time.

And he's giving you the age old line of my wife doesn't understand me.

It's the oldest trick in the books.

[Bluntness100]

He has reached out to me to talk about some personal issues he has and we have grown closer as a result of this

God it's as old as rhe hills. He tells you he's unhappily married. You feel closer to him as a result.

You're being played. How old are you?

If you think for one moment he will leave his wife for you, then the odds are hugely against that. He's just fancying a bit of extra marital sex and knows the way to get it is to pretend he's unhappily married.

Go find a single guy who will be honest with you and available to you,

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Has he told you his wife doesn’t understand him?

[SilverySurfer]

Of course she doesn't understand him. Would you if you discovered he has been discussing your private life with the potential office bit on the side?

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

I think my humour may have been a bit lost on you there @SilverySurfer

[Allornothingnow]

How disrespectful to his wife to tell you he dreads weekends.

And why is confiding in you? Sounds like he is setting you up and you are falling for it.

Dont listen to his sob stories and don’t offer him a shoulder to cry on. What’s in it for you? If a male colleague started to do that I would think it was highly inappropriate and back off straight away. Guaranteed if you did that he would still be with her in ten years time.

[SilverySurfer]

I knew exactly what you meant

What woman ever understands her husband when he's trying to screw someone else? It's the fall back of all cheaters.

[VioletValentine]

Wow, so many bitter, nasty and presumptuous women on here.

The issues he has spoken to me about have nothing to do with his marriage and everything to do with health problems that both he and his wife are experiencing which are making life difficult for both of them.

Thanks for assuming that I'm naive and predatory though. If only life came in the shades of black and white that some of you seem to see. Laughable.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

@silverysurfer

[luanmapo]

Well why are you on here asking the questions then?

What sort of answers did you expect to have? Nobody is going to sympathise with a woman who thinks it is OK to engage in an emotional affair with a married work colleague!

There are plenty of dating websites you could go on if you are wanting a relationship.

Do try and keep your relationship on a purely professional basis otherwise this will not end well.

[Flamingosnbears]

It's clear there's something you wouldn't post otherwise. Could you have a chat with him make your feeling clear and see where he stands.

[Decormad38]

I had really strong friendships with married men. Thought their wives were fab too. It is friendship and it can actually just exist without it going further. It's a bit pathetic to think we can only be friends with the same sex.

[VioletValentine]

@luanmapo Where did I say I think it's okay to engage in an emotional affair with a married colleague? I don't think it's okay.

[VioletValentine]

I came here to try and clarify at what point a friendship turns into an emotional affair so I can avoid that. I don't want to turn my back on someone in need of a friend if that's all it is, but equally I want to be fully aware of the possibility that it's drifting into something inappropriate.