Friendship or emotional affair?

[VioletValentine]

For context, I have been in my current job for less than a year and have struck up a friendship with a married colleague. I am single, if that's important. Nothing untoward has happened between us, but it feels like the relationship is intensifying somewhat in terms of the things he is choosing to share with me.

My head is starting to swim and I would really appreciate some advice about how to identify when a friendship crosses the line and becomes an emotional affair. I need to crystallise my thoughts. I don't want to find myself in this situation and am worried I could be inadvertently falling head-first into something dangerous. I care about him a great deal.

[OneKeyAtATime]

I could not care less if my husband talked about our marriage to anyone so on this basis alone I wouldn't see your relationship with this colleague as a problem. The issue to me though is that you seem to have feelings for him. For this reason, I would back off if I were you as it could end badly.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Agree with PP who said you are getting responses about people's own issues rather than yours.

People's experiences you mean...

[Alfiemoon1]

I think you need to step away. I am another whose marriage is a mess because of a similar situation. All very innocent at first I asked him to tone it down as it made me feel uncomfortable so all he’s done is hide it and lied every since and every time we argued about it her would turn to her and they would both slag me off. Just be careful is all I would say it is very easy for situations like this to cause problems my husbands friend wasn’t aware he was lying and hiding things from me as it was all innocent

[PetrolBastard]

Mumsnet at its finest again.

Agree with PP who said you are getting responses about people's own issues rather than yours. Calling him a cheater who has lied about having cancer?? Just weird.

And bingo for AF being rude as normal.

[jaggynettle]

Please take it from one who knows. Back off and end it now. Nothing good will come of it and folk will get hurt. Please. You'll just get in deeper and it'll be a total sh*t storm

[themmatricc]

the fact you need to ask gives the answer if it was just a friendship you wouldnt need to

[Carroten]

I'd be devastated if my oh told another woman these things. However at work i know that when people are going through stuff they often do confide in a manager or a colleague because lets face it you spend most of your time with your work family.

Guys at work often confide in me and i frequently say to my oh i hope u never tell people these sorts of things as id be mortified and so annoyed!

Whether he's needing to offload or just a bad husband trying to lure you in is irrelevant really. The issue is that if you have feelings for him and you dont think he's going to turn out to be mr right...(lets face it he doesnt sound like a catch), then it's time to distance yourself from him emotionally.

Its not like you can just ghost him so I'd suggest just keeping it professional and finding something / someone else to distract you.

When he asks what you are doing at the weekend lie and tell him youre going on a date with a really hot guy and how this guy is exactly your type...and make this guy exactly the opposite of what he is...or comment that loads of married guys try to get you on dates and how that makes you sick etc...

In time your feelings will hopefully lessen. Try to avoid him if you can though without making it too obvious...but i think the above non subtle hints would send him the correct message.

Also bear in mind that if you and this guy like each other it might become apparant to your colleagues when they catch you flirting or gazing into each others eyes! The last thing u need is everyone talking about you two.

In relation to being a single woman with lots of male friends...thats fine but i dont know how u do it because 9 times out of 10 when ive had what i thought was a male friend they have ultimately always been after something more or at least open to the idea..and im by no means an oil painting!

[ThatCurlyGirl]

Oh well I tried! You're welcome btw for my measured response in which I tried to be kind to you. You didn't respond to me at all whereas you tagged others angrily by name and snapped back at them for disagreeing with you.

So I guess only wanted one of two options. One - to be told you're doing nothing to worry about or option Two - an argument with a stranger where you call them names.

Good luck to you and him and his poor wife dealing with illness and someone thinking her husband is even capable of an emotional affair and still speaking to him?

Oh and calling posters immature. Really? In a few months you'll see how hypercritical that comment was.

Annoyed I gave you the benefit of the doubt now. Lesson learned.

[DeeCeeCherry]

fabricating scenarios to slot in with a preconceived assumption is very immature

No more immature than wanting to identify around feelings for a man married to someone else, not you. Its silly, not to mention unprofessional workwise. I don't have any bad experiences or similar scenarios but I wonder what you expected people to say? It was never going to be a whimsical thread talking about your feelings and his possible feelings. So you wouldn't get to expunge your mentionitis need here. You're in a common enough situation that rarely ends well, it's nothing unique.

You're not at work, but starting a thread about a man who's likely at home with his wife. Not with you. There are some who'd laugh at the futility and waste of precious time regarding that.

[MsDogLady]

He has betrayed his wife by telling you that he avoids and dreads being with her.

[ineedtostopbeingsolazy]

He has cancer as does his wife? And he's telling you he dreads going home etc?
What does he do when he has treatment?
No idea what's going on!

[welliesarefuntowear]

Well there's just no point in responding to some people is there? It's the classic isn't it? Don't like the responses so flounce.

[DeeCeeCherry]

What/why do you need to identify? You have feelings for a married man, it comes down to whether you want to end up as his bit on the side or not. Simple as that. Analysing is pointless - He's not your man he's someone else's. You know the score.

How will you feel if you get with him then it all comes out at work?

[VioletValentine]

I think we should leave it there now. Things are getting a bit silly.

I've made it crystal clear in my posts that I am absolutely not willing to engage in an affair, emotional or otherwise, but it seems some posters are hellbent on castigating me when I've done absolutely nothing wrong. I understand that others on this thread have had their opinions coloured by previous bad experiences, but fabricating scenarios to slot in with a preconceived assumption is very immature.

[Wormentrude]

Is the dabbing an emotional affair bingo type thing?

I think you're in a tricky spot, OP, but your spidey senses are trying to tell you that something isn't right. PPs are right: at times like this, he ought to be turning inwards towards his wife and marriage, not outwards towards a colleague (or, if he is turning outwards, he should be doing so to a therapist, with his wife's knowledge). If he needs someone to talk to, he should find a professional, IMO - not his colleague, whom he doesn't know all that well and with whom lines can easily become blurred.

[welliesarefuntowear]

You are posting about a highly emotive subject, surely you can see that people would respond from a place of great hurt and anguish. It's not risible if you have experienced this as I have and many others. Just step away and stop mocking others responses. You either step away or choose to carry on. It's not a difficult choice. You can't be his friend. He is in no fit state to be anyone's friend.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

"I'm so glad I can laugh at people like you."

Yeah see saying stuff like this really doesn't help OP but hopefully my last post explained it a bit.

Or maybe you'll laugh at me too, I don't know anymore.

Either way for everyone's sake I hope things improve and their health improves on both sides regardless.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

@VioletValentine

Please understand that many of the posters have been on the receiving end of men who in a similar situation have broken their hearts (either as the OW or as the wife).

It may not read this way but on the whole people are trying to help you see the situation objectively.

If you're asking if something behind closed doors is a problem, it probably already is.

Don't be a cog in this machine - you can feel already that it's inappropriate to be someone he leans on in this situation, it's a kindness to him and to his wife to consciously back off.

I'm sorry you felt attacked but try to see the other side, but calling people nasty bitter and laughable doesn't help your cause especially when most people were just trying to help you see the light.

Good luck

[PicsInRed]

You laugh away, little buddy - I see what your future holds and it's not very funny. Men's reputations rarely suffer for these things, it's almost always women who take the blame. You've made a tight bed for yourself so get comfy.

[VioletValentine]

The assumptions being made by some on here are risible!

[VioletValentine]

@welliesarefuntowear

Maybe in some respects, but to suggest that he is lying about having cancer is ludicrous.

[welliesarefuntowear]

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/290583.php

Like it or not OP picsinred speaks the truth.

[ConfCall]

He’s either a snake angling for no-strings sex with you, or he’s a decent bloke in emotional trouble who’s relying on your counsel too heavily. Either way, it’s bad news, so steer clear.

[VioletValentine]

@ElizabethJacketDeLaGuerre

Thank you. I fully intend to do the right thing.

@PicsInRed

What an utterly pathetic, untrue and ridiculous response. That's some imagination you have. I'm so glad I can laugh at people like you.

[KOKOtiltomorrow]

Nice drip feed OP. Your update makes it even worse - two people with cancer and you are worrying about blurred boundaries and straying into an EA - great friendship there!!! Such serious diagnoses would make a decent person want to be a good supportive friend - they wouldn’t need to be worrying about growing close or swimming heads or whatever.