How to deal with flaky friend

[Hokeycokey54321]

Friend cancelled/‘forgot’ we were meant to be meeting for the 3rd time today...
First time we met anyway but for only half hour and was really rushed. Promised to meet next time and have a ‘proper catch up’. But then they forgot/got days muddled up. We rearranged - I made a point of saying it would be nice to have a decent catch up next time as not seen each other properly for a while, they agreed. We planned to meet today , I rang , no answer then got sent a message saying they thought we were meeting tomorrow and now they are busy...

I just replied with my usual ‘ok no worries’ but the truth is I think it’s pretty shitty behaviour. Yep we all forget sometimes but this has made me feel that I must pretty worthless to this person.

WWYD?

How long have you known this person?

About 5 years. They are a bit disorganised in general and often late but feel like this happening 3 times in a row is a bit much

She was rude and I wouldn’t meet up with her much.

Had this before.. makes you feel worthless but it’s them, not you. These types of people aren’t really friends. I wouldn’t bother again.

I had a friend do this on me. Every time I invited her somewhere she’d ring with some big thing ‘car broke down’ ‘ family emergency’ then at my baby shower something else cropped up and last min she cancelled. I never bothered after that. It was one excuse after another. It’s been nearly 3 years since I heard from her. I figured if she doesn’t contact me then it’s obviously not worth my time. Friendships aren’t one sided.

There will be other friends, true friends don’t fob you off all the time and make excuses. They make the effort and you can rely on them xx

Would you mention it to them or just leave the ball in their court?

I’d back away from the friendship.

I've been through the same a few times. I always just give up, they're obviously not bothered. I would just stop contacting them and wait for them to make the effort.

@Atalune @UnicornCat - agree 100%
Back away and if they feel anything they will try and make up for their lack of effort. If they don’t then they really aren’t getting upset about. You don’t need friends like that. X

Is this a new thing with them? I know you said they've always been disorganised but is the cancelling/forgetting very recent?

It could well be just your friend is rude or not bothered about you, but it's possible there's another reason if it's new behaviour. Either depression or a controlling partner (are they seeing anyone new?).

I'm not trying to make excuses, just worth considering.

Sounds like you need to step back and ignore her.

Stop trying, what's meant to be will be!

This is very frustrating I agree. I have a scatty friend who always gets the wrong day, time or meeting place. I'm the opposite and write things on calendars, arrive 10 minutes early etc.
Maybe back off, don't contact her, see if she contacts you and if you do arrange to meet up make a point of saying 'you'll write that down won't you? Or similar. If she doesn't contact you she's not really a true friend in the first place

Are you sure she wants to meet up?

I could have written your post. Decided not to contact her again after being messed about one time too many. I thought if she was bothered about me, she would get in touch. That was in May. Moving on and spending time with other friends who value me more. Hurts like hell though to realise the friendship I thought we had was only one sided.

Thank you for your replies everyone. I think you’re right , by stepping back a little it may help to boost my confidence at least.
If it makes any difference the friend has just rung and apologised - has said they will definitely pop round to see me tomorrow to make up for today...
I told them I was disappointed about today but I’m the kind of person who sees no point in making a big fuss.
Yes they have always been scatty but recently have been particularly bad. They are buying a house so stressed no doubt.

I have a different take on this OP (as a scatty friend myself). I agree it is shitty behaviour but it doesnt necessarily mean she doesnt care about you.

I have anxiety and sometimes I will agree to meet up (and genuinely want to) but then when the time comes I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and cancel at the last minute. To be fair I mainly do this with social situations where there are alot of people and less so when it is popping over to someone's house.

I feel massively shitty and hate myself for doing it at the time but do try to make it up (which your friend appears to be doing by coming over tomorrow).

Have you ever tried asking her if there is another reason she flakes? I would rather have an open conversation where I could explain and apologise to a friend than be dropped and not told why. If she is generally a nice person and a good friend I would at least have a conversation about it and her response will tell you alot about where you stand.

P.s I am also buying my first house at the moment and it is way more stressful than I ever realised it would be. Lots of appointments for viewing, sorting out paperwork, worries about mortgage rates etc. This is on top of usual work and kids etc which I already struggle to juggle on a normal day. My brain is just not cut out for keeping track of appointments and it feels very overwhelming so I tend to shut down.

I also have friends like this who were diagnosed as having ADHD as adults and my son with ASD struggles to be organised (My mum thinks I have ASD too but no diagnosis). I'm not trying to medicalise your friend but it could be a potential explanation too. Not everyone brains are wired the same way

I really dont think she would have called to apologise is she didnt care about you OP

I am scatty! Menopause has not helped. Lol. Nor does stress.

My friends, under my instructions, remind me the day before and often again early in the day. Making diary notes in my phone helps and again my friends remind me to do that the minute we make an arrangement. Forgetting doesn't mean I don't love or prioritise them, just that I have a brain like Swiss cheese.