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Original poster

Can groups of three friends ever work?

24 replies

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 10/07/2019 14:43

Or is there always going to be somebody who's a bit of a third wheel?

I fear that I am that third wheel. I have two friends who I've known since school, but over the last five years their lives have gone down different paths to mine and they now have much more in common with each other than either of them have with me.

Under normal circumstances I would probably just let things run their natural course and see less of them, or only see them one on one rather than as a three. But we're currently trying to plan a holiday together, mainly communicating via WhatsApp, and I'm struggling with the way my input doesn't seem to count for anything. I will make a suggestion for something we could do, neither of them will respond, and then one of them will suggest something else - it's as if I didn't even say anything at all. One of them suggested something that I really wasn't keen on, I said that I'd prefer not to, and then the other one went "Ooh, yes, that sounds great, let's do it!" Again, it was as if I hadn't replied.

It all seems very teenagey and immature, I know, but I really don't want to go on this break now, since it seems like I won't get any say on what we do or where we go, and I usually get left out of conversations between the three of us because they talk about the things they have in common and it's hard for me to join in.

Not sure what I'm asking, maybe I wanted a whinge, but is anyone part of a group of three friends that actually works, and everyone is equally close to everyone else?

OP posts:

missyjudy · 10/07/2019 15:11

In my experience, 3 never works unless it’s 3 blokes. 3 women is a big fat no and I’ve been burnt several times. I certainly wouldn’t be going on holiday as a threesome!

JennaJaney · 10/07/2019 15:39

I was in a group of 3 friends for a couple of years. I introduced friend A to friend B and over the course of our friendship trio, A turned B against me and they both gradually stopped talking to me and ditched me!

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2019 15:49

I’m a part of a successful group of three friends. We do a couple of specific activities together. I would say that I am the glue to the friendship as a three, the others probably wouldn’t have become so close if we didn’t all do these things together. I also sometimes do things individually with each of them but they don’t .

The ignoring your messages is pretty rubbish.

DontCallMeDarling · 10/07/2019 15:51

It can work but only if all three are of equal stature within the group and/or their characters are easy going laid back types. I have a few friendship groups of three and they work on the whole.

Your situation suggests to me that your two friends believe that their life choices make them more grown up than you are so the discussion is 'let the grown ups speak'. This is not a nice situation and your friends are being rude. Be honest with yourself, do you think this situation is likely to change anytime soon? Are you able to bring up the problem with one of them and attempt to change the dynamic? Do you even want to be friends with them anymore? Personally, I would attempt to talk to the one you think would be more empathetic and if nothing changes then yes question whether its time to move on.

sar302 · 10/07/2019 16:15

I'm in a group of three - nearly 20 years strong since halls at uni.

I would say that over the years, the dynamics have shifted occasionally due to geography, or people's life choices / situations. So two living closer together and seeing each other more regularly than the third. Two being in steady relationships, 1 being single etc.

The last weekend we had away, one friend said "actually I can't afford X", so we did something else. You can say to your friends "actually, I'm not keen on the stuff we have planned, could we do something else, or would you prefer to go and do it as a two, and we'll do something another time." If you can't say that to them, it does say something unfavourable about the friendship I think. And if you constantly find yourself being sort of, beaten down and excluded, then sadly, it does seem like it may have run its course.

GlamourBear · 10/07/2019 16:16

One of my friendship groups is a group of 3 and works fine 🙂 it didn't work when I was at school in a different group of 3 but I think that was down to your typical school fall outs and being a teenager!

Piersorgan · 10/07/2019 16:21

I was part of a three and I introduced them to each other. I started to get left out and I just held my integrity and watched and waited. Wasn't long before they were at each other's throats. To be fair, two of us know what caused the division and she's no longer part of the gang as she withdrew herself once she showed her colours.

It's not childish and it is hurtful!

REllenR · 10/07/2019 16:31

Yes of course a group of three friends can work. But doesn't sound like these are awfully good friends as their behaviour is pretty poor!

Needsomebottle · 10/07/2019 16:32

I am in a couple of groups of three and have been for lots of years. We go in ebbs and flows. Of one of them, the other two spend a lot more time together than I do with either or both of them and I don't mind, but I have other close friends. When we come together though we have a brilliant time and none of us feel left out, I also see them both alone at times. The other group two of us are particularly close and drag the third one along, she's difficult to pin down but we love her and enjoy her company. When we three meet up she's always behind on the latest news but we both bring her up to speed and make the effort to check she doesn't feel left out. I think it can be difficult as naturally two will always be closer, but it's about accepting that and just enjoying the friendship you have. But they also need to kind of acknowledge it (not necessarily by saying as much but by accounting for it in their actions) otherwise it won't work.

Original poster

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 10/07/2019 16:33

Yes, it is a little sad that the friendship seems to have run its course. I can't get out of the holiday now because it's all been paid for. I think I was hoping it might be a good way to reconnect as a three, but now I'm thinking that was rather naive of me. I will go, see how it pans out between the three of us, and if I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the friendship any more, I will start to withdraw.

DontCall I think you have something there. They're both married with kids and I've stayed single and childless. I definitely get the impression that they think they're proper adults and I have no responsibilies, and I spend all my leisure time doing frivolous things by myself, when actually I don't have a lot of spare money because I don't live with a second wage earner!

sar302 I don't feel comfortable raising this with either of them, and I guess you're right that it doesn't say good things about the friendship

OP posts:

reefedsail · 10/07/2019 16:43

JennaJaney that is a mumsnet phenomenon called 'being wendied'.

Violetroselily · 10/07/2019 21:40

I was very firmly in a group of three - I introduced the two of them.

Thick as thieves for 13 years, multiple holidays together until this year one of them gets engaged and asks the other to be her bridesmaids and didn't ask me

MrsXx4 · 10/07/2019 21:43

Friendship group of 3 since school. We all have babies, husbands and houses now and the 3 of us remain closer than ever and just had a very funny drunken weekend together! So in my experience it works!

Original poster

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 10/07/2019 21:53

Mrs I think the key there is that they have husbands and babies and I don't! Conversation does tend to revolve around the kids, which I can't really make much of a contribution to.

I would really like to think that you don't have to lose all your friends if you choose not to have children but my experience is not encouraging.

OP posts:

MrsXx4 · 10/07/2019 22:38

To be fair, I’ve only just had a baby and they have 7 year olds and I was also the last to get married just 2 years ago whereas they are celebrating nearly 10 years of marriage so again in my case it can work. I could still join in chats about their children and then we’d all talk about whatever my relationship status was at the time etc. They felt the need for night out and days away from the children every once in a while and I was always up for assisting them with letting their hair down! Like I say, we’ve been a group of 3 since the start of school life so have been through it all, we’ve had bumps along the way but we definitely work as a three.

I hope that things get better. It’s sad to think that once some people have babies they forget about their friends.

EleanorOalike · 10/07/2019 22:39

In my experience no, I’m always the third wheel!

HarrietOh · 10/07/2019 22:54

I’m in a fab group of 3 friendship!

Likeazombi · 11/07/2019 00:18

Im in a group of three, we've been Best friends since school, used to be 4 of us but one fell away quite a while ago now.
It works for us, well it works for me and as far as I know for the other two, there have been times they were less close but I feel I've been equally close to both.
We've done holidays together, Im very independent and also introverted so at times I wanted to do my own thing or be alone I just did it and they accepted it.
We're all grown women so we don't need to be together all the time or agree on everything.
One lives closer and I see her more, our lives as they are now are more similar in that we both have kids and other friend doesn't, but other friend and I have similar early life.
They're both in relationships I've been single for 3years and single parent for 9years so we all live different lives in different ways.
Not sure how much of all that really matters.
We love each other, support each other and can be honest with each other.
They are my family now and I count myself as a very lucky person for that.

PrincessLouis · 11/07/2019 00:38

I have been part of a few three way all-female relationships over the years. I am fine if the other two are closer as long as the dynamic is good between us as a three. I quite like the threes because I have a lot of other stuff on and I can go to things or not as I please without letting anyone down

Original poster

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 11/07/2019 08:24

I am sure these sorts of groups can work if everyone is mindful of the differences in each other's situations and they're careful to make sure the conversation can include everyone. It does seem to take effort and a lot of conscious thought, though, and I don't think that's happening in this case. It does make me sad to think about it, but I suppose friendships do end organically when people's lives have gone in different directions.

OP posts:

crazylady7 · 11/07/2019 08:56

100000%!!
It totally depends on the type of people in the trio though.. I were in a strong friendship of 5 and 2 of them cut themselves off and we were left with 3. We realise now that the reason it ended up as us three is because we are chilled, not JEALOUS of eachother, and love eachother equally!! The other two didn't have that kind of personality which resulted in arguing and tension and resulted in them clearing off.
If you are uncomfortable or feeling left out, it may not be intentional or mean anything, your friends may not realise. Voice how you feel if no effort is made, or things don't change then maybe contemplate whether its worth keeping the friendship.

redcarbluecar · 11/07/2019 09:11

Of course you don’t need to lose your friends if they have children and you don’t.

It sounds as if your issue has more to do with life differences (them having children etc) than the number of people in the group. Would it be different if there was a 4th person, also a mum?

I think 3 person friendship groups can work fine, but there can be shifts in dynamics to take on board, times when one person will feel a bit excluded etc. If you can recognise and accept these shifts, and also work to preserve your individual friendships with the other 2, things can be fine, unless you genuinely feel things have run their course.

MohairMenace · 11/07/2019 09:31

I think it can work if you’re a diverse group (different lifestyles, careers, ages etc) OR if all three share a very, very similar lifestyle, values, milestones etc.

My circle is the former, but sounds OP as though your group falls somewhere in the middle. Not helped by the fact that they appear to be rude too.

sar302 · 11/07/2019 10:04

@CheckingOutTheQuantocks With regards to those differing life choices - out of the three of us, I've had a baby, one is not having any children (through choice), the other is single and desperate wanting to conceive. I would be lying if I didn't say we've just been through a very tricky time! But, we're still there for each other. Maybe the three way difference creates more balance? But it is possible, if you're all committed.

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