Moving abroad without telling brother?

[BlueBirdGreenFence]

I'm not sure if I want advice or validation but happy to take either. Me and DB haven't had any contact in almost 2 years. We've had no specific argument but there is lots of resentment on both sides and if we had a bigger family or shared circle we would probably pass ourselves socially. But we don't...

I don't want to get into the ins and outs of it but so as not to drip feed, the main issue between us is that he lives with and cares for our mother who I have no contact with. She has numerous mental health conditions which make her abusive and whilst I understand it's not completely her fault, I'm not willing to be abused. In contrast he feels as it's our mother, I should suck it up instead of leaving it all to him.

She has always been abusive and manipulative to both of us but I think it's important to point out, she's never physically harmed him whereas she has badly injured me on multiple occasions. Whilst she wouldn't have the opportunity to now, contact with her still leaves me having nightmares, panic attacks and in poor mental health myself.

I am now moving abroad and feel by not letting him know, I am inadvertently sending a 'fuck you' to him. But it feels a bit weird to send a random text saying "By the way, we're moving to France". I also worry that there is a chance that he might text me back and tell me to go fuck myself.

Has anyone any advice how to navigate this? Or should I just leave it?

Just in case of any event e.g. death I'd sent on contact details

I would leave it. Make sure noone else is going to tell them though.
I was in a similar situation and I wanted to protect my MH and my DC so I deliberately didn't tell my "ex-family" (they are all NC with me anyway). Someone else told them though which pissed me off. Then I moved again and had to really tighten my circle of trust. So far it has worked. It is extremely invigorating to know that none of them know where I am. I highly recommend it.

My DSis went to the US when her husband was posted over there. That was in March. First I knew about it was in her Xmas card the following December. Didn't cause any ill-feeling between us. Just do it.

I would move without telling him. He has no right to guilt-trip you. Seems like a good solution to remain NC with your mother and stops him trying to manipulate you.

Just stumbled across this thread whilst looking for some advice, but from the other side. My DB has just moved overseas without telling us. Like you we have had no contact for several years, and like you this wasn't as a result of a big row or bust up. My mum is in contact with both of us so that's where the similarity ends. However, what I would ask you is, is there anything that might happen that you need him to tell you about? If the answer to that of no, then just go, if not you'd better find someway of getting your contact details to him. I can tell you that I will not be making any attempt to contact my brother if/when something happens to Mum, or anyone else in the family. By doing what he has done has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with us. He's happy for us to pick up all the slack looking after her and another aging relative, I am not going to spend more time trying to hunt him down. Good luck, and I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me AutumnMum. It helps to see it from the other perspective. What you've said about not contacting if something happens is very fair. Nothing worse than a relative turning up at the last hour for their share! Saying that I don't think it's fair that he resents me for making a different choice in regard to supporting our mother. I've offered in the past to pay for for bought in help which he has declined.

No problem @StrippingTheVelvet. I wasn't implying you haven't offered to help - just stating my brother hasn't . My family situation is more complicated than I can put in a Mumsnet post as I'm sure yours is too. Mine is different to yours as I am still on speaking terms with my Mum (albeit strained). It's made more complex by the fact my mum has enabled my brother to make the move overseas by giving him an astonishing amount of money (6 figures). I don't think she expected him to use it in this way, so now I'm having to cope with the endless moaning from her about him going without her recognising she's funded it. She won't accept that a 40+ man moving without telling any other family member is a clear indication that he wants nothing to do with the rest of us. She thinks we should all use her as some sort of conduit as if he was still a child (which in her eyes he is). It's very frustrating and if I'm being super honest I wish I could just bugger off overseas and leave them all to get on with it 😂. I genuinely wish you good luck - it's so difficult if family life isn't what other people tell you it should be.

I`m in a similar quandary!

When I was a teen dm turned a blind eye at dsf sexually abusing me (she knew what he was doing and even married him!). ds 1 has no contact with them, so fine. ds2 on the other hand now knows everything , has a daughter of her own and STILL carries on with them regardless!! I cant stop what she does etc. Her life. BUT we are moving house and I dont want dm to know where I live (she does now). I just worry ds2 will say my new address whether accident or not. She is a total doormat and would cave in an instant id dm asked for the address.

Do I move and just tell ds1 who I do trust the address and not tell ds2? ds 1 and ds2 don`t speak to each other, although in a life and death crisis probably would.

for me this move is a clean break "from all that shit".

ds is dear sister

didn`t mean to hijack, but you all have similar situations....

You need to post your own thread @wellbuggerme It's really not ok to hijack someone else's.