DP drinking every night

[shhhFFS]

I'm a bit worried about my DP and his drinking and was wondering if I am right to be concerned and what I can do.

DP works a very manual job, very hard going, he has started his own business in the past 12 months and regularly works 10 hour days.

He drinks 3-5 cans of beer every night and has done for around 2 years.

I myself am no angel when it comes to drinking and with also working full time in a stressful job and kids, I am no stranger to my good friend wine.

However, since Xmas I tried to be healthier, fitter, more self-aware and made a conscious effort to cut down the booze.

I've been doing quite well. DP's drinking never particularly concerned me until I cut down and said maybe he cut out a couple of days a week too. He won't which has led me to be concerned about dependency. I have regularly encouraged him to join me for an alcohol free evening and he will refuse. Since Xmas he must have had 1-2 nights alcohol free and he sulked his way through them.

His main excuse is he works very hard and looks forward to a cold beer at the end of the day. And I get that I do. I have suggested just having the 1 beer when he gets in then, why progress to more throughout the evening. Also he had several weeks off work with an injury a few months ago and the drinking remained the same.

The money aspect is another side of it that drives me round the bend, he drinks reasonably expensive larger (not the cheap stuff) and it flipping adds up!

I'm not a loss as what to do, I don't want to issue hard ultimatums or anything as this really is my only gripe with what is an otherwise amazing loving hard working chap. We are currently planning our wedding and I reckon we could save for it twice as fast if he halved his beer bill!

I don't think that sounds like a huge amount to be honest. You don't mention problematic behaviours arising from it. I understand the money side of it but at the same time if my job was hard, manual labour for ten plus hours a day I'd be looking forward to a few glasses of wine I think.

I have myself cut down on the booze. I would not dream of suggesting to my other half that he do so too. He actually needs to as he drinks way more than yours. But I know from myself that if he had cut down and suggested I should too I would take badly against it. It does not sound as if your DP is going over the top - but it also sounds as though he is dependent on it. The money side is something you could use, I suppose, to see if he might be prepared to cut down - but what will you do to match it? I know you have already cut down but you are doing that for yourself, so it's not really a sacrifice for the common good.

My OH has a manual job and had drank between 2-4 beers every night for the past two years at least.

I have actually tried to stop it, particularly for the money saving side but I haven't gotten anywhere. My advice to you is mention it once but don't mention it anymore than once. OH and I have had so many arguments around this issue and it's tiring. Working a manual job is stressful and tiring - if my OH doesn't have his beer, he is so miserable that I'd rather him have a few beers! This is my OH though - yours might stop and be fine.

Good luck.

Yer its not so much the amounts that concern me.

As I said it didn't concern me until his reaction and unwillingness or inability to cut out even one day a week.

I do understand his want to unwind after work, same goes for me. And especially in the warmer weather, trust me I wouldn't come between him and a cold beer after a long day, as far as I'm concerned he's earned it.

However, as I said, he went off work for a while and kept up the same level of drinking so work is not the only cause.

As for finances, I think the motivation should be to contribute more towards household costs and to help save towards the wedding. Since starting his own business the financial rewards have not been great, I work full-time and earn a decent wage and deal with the vast majority of our finances and costs. We have a mortgage and 3 DC between us so I keep us a float. I think I make regular enough 'sacrifices' to not ask it to be too much to cut down a little to save money.

You're possibly a bit annoying and evangelical if you're pressing him to cut down because you have.

Also you should rethink you taking so much of the lead on the financial stuff: involve him more and get him to take responsibility. If it's allowed to be your thing to deal with, then he never has to think about it and probably has no sense of what's going out etc.

Change has to come from him, so he needs to feel the need for it.

NHS guidelines say men should have no more than 14 units of alcohol per week. There are around 2 units in a can of beer, so your DH is having between 42 - 70 units a week.

I’m an alcoholic 18 months sober. I couldn’t do without my wine every night. Some people can be ok with drinking every day, but when you can’t go one day without alcohol then like it or not, you are dependent on it.

That said, I wouldn’t go on about it to your dp, any willingness to cut down has to come from him.

I haven't pressed him on it, I've asked if he wants to join me and he hasn't. I've pretty much left it that, and I have kept my concerns on his reaction to myself. To be honest I didn't think it would be such a big deal, its not as if I am asking if he wants to go tea total.

And I have to take the lead on the financial stuff, he knows what goes in and out he just doesn't earn enough to contribute in the same way I do. So bills are currently paid for on what I would say is a 75/25 basis. He cut 1-2 days a week out he could contribute more.

If someone is miserable and sulky because they aren't drinking for one day, then I would say that's a problem.

You cannot make him change and he is not wanting to cut down but you can help your own self here and this is what I would concentrate your efforts on. I would also quietly consider now putting any wedding plans aside.

Apart from the two alcohol free days he has had where he sulked through these (itself a bad sign) what is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?.

As it is affecting you I would contact Al-anon as they could be helpful to you. Bear in mind too that your children will also pick up on this within their home if they have not already. They hear and see a lot of what goes on within their home and they will see you preoccupied and worried about him.